Worried about getting your youngsters a pet for Christmas – a cuddly kitten or puppy –then face the moral conscience dilemma of having to go and dump it up the arse end of the wilderness a few weeks later – to keep the legion of other evicted pets company – when the kids get tired of playing with it.
No problems anymore – technology has come to the rescue. The UK toy store shelves are chocker full of the latest and greatest in cuddly robotic pet innovations – Go-Go Pets – the “must-have” present for Christmas 2009.
Believe it or not these are cuddly battery-operated robotic white rodents with a pink nose and genuine rat fur costing a mere £10 each – never need feeding, don’t piss and crap on the carpet and are programmed not to chew through electrical appliance leads and barbeque themselves with a 220 volt flash of lightining.
Zhu Zhu Pets, sold in the UK as Go Go Pets, are the hottest toy of the season –even outselling the all-new black latex-clad Dominatrix Barbie and her toyboy Ken – according to Ghengis McScrunt, CEO of retailer Toys_2_Kill_For – a gift horse phenomenon on a par with the DIY Hindley-Brady Moors Murderers kit – the smash hit with the kiddies at Christmas in 1966.
The range was launched this summer by Septic Skunks, a small Chinese company based in Wanking Province, founded in 2004 by Professor Sum Dum Fuk, an entrepreneur-inventor whose previous successes have included Gerald -a battery-powered robo-slug – and the famous ‘Dum Fuk solar powered chopsticks’.
However Prof’ Dum Fuk’s five interactive robo-rodent models – Mrs Twatte, Numbnuts, Scrunt, Cunthooks, and Pisspot – respond to touch with squeaks and can be set to run about randomly in “explore” mode, or to “squeal” with high anxiety when dropped into the toilet bowl for a swim – then shit on and flushed down the bog.
Their onboard memory chip is programmed to also react to separately sold accessories that include their own Kamikaze Corkscrew super slide, a bungee jumping kit that fastens to their tail – and a real spring-loaded ‘rodent trap’ to test and evolve the critter’s learning curve artificial intellligence abilities.
The robo-rats are programmed to respond with sound effects such as screeching and farting noises when you stamp on one or launch them out of the bedroom window onto the driveway.
“The robo-rodent range is just the beginning,” Professor Dum Fuk told a reporter from the Cyborgs Gazette. “We intend to develop a full line of cuddy furry critters with species-specific sounds and character traits that can be programmed to respond to an owners personal identity and requirements.”
“There will be hamsters, guinea pigs, chipmunks, deodorised skunks, manky meercats and squirrels. We were hoping to have our Wiley T. Coyote ready for the Christmas sales rush too but unfortunately we hit a couple of minor glitches and need to iron them out first – such as it’s propensity for poaching chickens – and cats.”
“The robo-rat range is washing machine and tumble dryer friendly and if the family dog or cat decides to gets their teeth into one then the Go-Go pet is programmed to deliver a 50,000 volt self-defence shock right up the animal’s richter from their built-in taser device.”
Conversely the RSPCA, animal rights groups and child welfare officers have jointly condemned the Go Go toys as a replacement for actual pets. They believe the idea of a real flesh and blood pet teaches a child to care for other sentient beings and develop empathy.
Ms. Candida Muffrot of ‘Child First’ told a reporter from the Luddites Gazette that “If the batteries run down and the kid has lost interest or is busy elsewhere he won’t even bother to do a recharge. This will equate with real animals as not bothering to provide food and water.”
“Mark my words, the kids who get these toys for Christmas will be the next generation of sadists running Abu Ghraib Prison, water boarding terrorist suspects, piloting extreme rendition flights and turning the Zyklon B gas on in the showers at FEMA’s new re-education camps for domestic dissidents.”