Rumpy Pumpy: E-USSR Presidential Favourite

Belgian Prime Minister Herman van Rumpy Pumpy appears to be the frontrunner for selection as the dystopic E-USSR’s first permanent president at a summit in Brussels this coming Thursday.

The centre-right of left leader has a reputation as a canny duckfat chewer with a self-deprecating sense of humour (he jams sticks of rhubarb in his ears and does reindeer impersonations) which has helped him to hold together a fractious national coalition government who have suffered several calamitous ‘giggle’ failures this past two years after he abolished the Ministry for Graft and Corruption.

The low-key leader has been privately promised the support of both France and Germany regardless of the Rothshites and Peter Scandalson whingeing and pushing ex-UK Slime Minister and super-lying war criminal Tony Bliar to get the novel top job.

Conversely the 94-year-old Mr van Rumpy Pumpy is little known outside Belgium and has only travelled abroad once – for training in the Bavarian chapter of the Hitler Youth with his old German penpal Joey Ratflinger – the current Pope Benny Mk 16.

A veteran politician from the Christian Walloon and Baboon Party, he was originally reluctant to take on the post of prime minister but replaced Yves de Scallietti who was forced to resign amid a massive financial scandal last December, after just two days in the job when he was caught with his hand jammed firmly in the Finance Minister’s candy jar.

Something of a moderate in Belgium’s increasingly polarised politics Rumpy Pumpy was eventually persuaded to take on the job by the Belgian King Albert the Great who promised him his own private stable of Thai shemale bitches.

Rumpy, who passed his 11-plus in Maths summa cum laude, inherited a nation facing a global economic crisis and recession that had crippled the institutional fat cat Belgian banking giant Krappe.

He has penned several books – mainly on offshore tax dodging havens – and is also an avid haiku writer – reputed to sometimes compose the 17-syllable Japanese-style nonsense poems – in Flemish – during political meetings and has been known to read out his compositions at such gatherings just to piss off the competition.

One offering on Mr van Rompuy’s website is called ‘Shit-faced Yet Again’ but any message therein about his political ambitions is well concealed:

“Three waves roll
Along the harbour
The trio’s home.”

Hmmm, which makes about as much sense in Flemish as a set of Ikea flatpack wardrobe assembly instructions.

Before entering politics Mr van Rumpy Pumpy worked as a wheelbarrow salesman from 1972 to 1975.
In fact the whole family have been associated with the Walloon wheelbarrow industry for four generations.

His younger brother, Eric van Rumpy Pumpy is currently employed in advanced wheelbarrow design for NATO – however his sister, Candida van Rumpy Pumpy told the family Patriarch to ‘stuff his wheelbarrows’ and works as a Pro-Dominatrix in Antwerp, and is a founding member of the Dog Wankers Party of Belgium.

So, ‘bonne chance’ to Monsieur van Rumpy Pumpy on his selection to become the E-USSR’s first President.
But like the man said – “Owt’s better than that scumbag warmonger Bliar wot can’t tell the truth even if he aint got a lie ready.”

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via