21/12/2012: Oprah-Geddon Approaches

2012 is coming – approaching fast. A time to be afraid – very afraid – as the threadbare cliché goes. Actually I’d advise you to be more than very afraid – shit-scared would be more appropriate, in point in fact.

21/12/2012 – the end of the World as we know it – and all thanks to Oprah Winfrey.

Well, it was precisely this the Maya prophesied zillions of years ago – The Apocalypse / Armageddon – the end of Western civilization – and all due Oprah Winfrey saying ‘stuff it’ and putting herself out to grass – then the show goes off the air – 21/12/2012 – for all Eternity.

Oh yes, billions will succumb to the Tribulation and mass suicides become a daily norm – but the time has finally arrived for this living legend – the black Matriarch of talk show hosts – after 25 years of the same old shit – to call it a day and ascend to sit at the right hand of God.

As Oprah herself admitted to reporters “I was just listening to the TV set in the kitchen one day last week – cold white noise ya know – and this bitch was yabbering on about some pointless shit or the other and I thought OMG she’s more full of crap than a Christmas goose and I walked back into the room and it was ME on the telly – talking utter nonsense.”

“That was the morning I sat down in front of my bedroom dressing table mirror and took a long hard look at myself and decided I was starting to sound like Richard Nixon or Clinton or Dubya – or some other pontificating Gospel Ministry dildo – and it was time to give it all up and retire.”

And this is what the unwashed masses – the common herd – fear the most – having to face Reality – turn the goggle box on and no more Oprah. A fate worse than death itself.

Such is the numpty dumpty depth and intensity of America’s relationship with Oprah that her decision to cut n run is being reported as the end of an era – the actual World in fact.

Numb nuts viewers are already reminiscing about the show where she gave every member of the audience a blow job or the way she marked the programme’s 20th Anniversary by taking 1,000 members of her staff for an organic enema in Thailand.

And now she claims it’s herself that needs a ‘brain enema’ – to get all the shit out of her head and relax with a capital R.

Her audiences, the female of the species especially so, have always got to share in her joys and sorrows – unwanted pregnancies, winning at online Bingo, DIY abortions, catching doses of the clap, menopause, incontinence.

Too, they’ve read the books and viewed the DVD’s she’s recommended, and use the same models of sex toys that Oprah gets her own jollies off with.

As to political clout her influence on the voting public is so great that it amounts to a kind of hypnotic puppet master power. She personally is beholden as an icon of black achievement and her decision to endorse Barky Obama as the Democratic presidential candidate after announcing she couldn’t see the first lady Pres’ of the US being a raving dyke certainly swung a legion of votes his way – including a couple of million diehard Republicans votes too.

That was the moment to prove Oprah was unique. Try to imagine candidates for the most powerful job on Earth weighed down with the clutter and burden of disadvantages that Obama had.

Black – Kenyan – a coke-snorting closet homo with a forged Hawaiian birth certificate – and a memory so like a sieve he needs a teleprompter to say ‘hope and change’.

So, whether you voted for Obama or not – blame Oprah for the fact he’s in the White House.

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via TheSatireStall.Blogspot.com