Author: Rusty Shackleford
Local Man Heartbreakingly Proficient at Preparing Single Serving Frozen Dinners
DENVER—Resident mortgage loan processing clerk Gordon Holcomb discussed with reporters on Tuesday the fact that he has become highly skilled at microwaving frozen dinners intended exclusively for a forlorn, solitary soul. Correspondents winced as Holcomb described in excruciating detail the…
Laying Off Researchers a Bad Idea, Confirm Researchers
WASHINGTON—Amid news that federal budget cuts are set to cause a number of additional layoffs in the fields of research and science, several reports surfaced asserting that such cuts are “really not a good idea” and to “not do that.”…
Local Man Subjects Self to Sick Experiment
CINCINNATI, OH—In an act that can only be described as some kind of emotional masochism, David Lauder, resident single, recently created a profile on a popular website intended for dating. The so-called “dating website” is a service that allows users,…
Delta Passenger Relieved Pilot Named Wendell
THE SKY—While onboard Delta flight 326 field sales representative and coach passenger Herman Adler reported the fact that he experienced a feeling of relief upon learning that the pilot’s name was Wendell. “Sounds like a level-headed guy,” said Adler. Adler…
Friend Just Hasn’t Been the Same Since He Won That Free Pepsi
COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Colorado Springs resident Wayne Gallaway reported earlier today that his friend, Spencer Buckner, has let the fact that Buckner won a free Pepsi from the bottle cap of another Pepsi go completely to his head. “I just don’t…
Aleve Introduces New Product Just for Family Gatherings
MORRISTOWN, NJ—On Tuesday, the makers of popular headache relief medicine Aleve were proud to announce their new product made specifically for family gatherings. “We just asked ourselves, ‘Can’t there be a way to not hate every moment of every holiday…
Smartphone User Glad He Doesn’t Have to Have Series of Interesting Thoughts
CHICAGO—While using his phone to browse an online forum where users rank their favorite vacation spots, Roger Howton reflected with great fondness on the fact that he didn’t have to use his imagination for a single moment to wonder about…
Guy Who Sort of Looks Like Stephen King Makes Extra Cash Brooding in Corner at Corporate Events
BOSTON—The employees of Boston Consulting Group were treated to a special guest at the latest corporate event held by the renowned management consulting firm. It was only within the first few moments of the evening that those lucky enough to…
Man Picks Up Own Litter Like Some Kind of Superhero
COLUMBUS, OH—On Tuesday, stunned witnesses reported seeing a man picking up a cheeseburger wrapper and placing it in the trash after he had attempted to toss it into a nearby receptacle and missed. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything…
Stupid Non-Depressed Roommate Walking Around, Doing Stuff
SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Area man and local depressive Adam Holt reported that his “stupid roommate is just, like, walking around… doing stuff.” “How can he do that?” wondered Holt. Holt took advantage of his ideal observation point on the living room sofa,…