Author: Rusty Shackleford
Man Ordering Drink With Meal Undoubtedly Reincarnation Of Gluttonous Roman Emperor
BETHESDA, MD—In an obscene display of wanton excess, local restaurant patron Don Mayhew stunned onlookers as he openly indulged himself in the extravagance of a soft drink along with his meal, disdainfully eschewing the common man’s glass of ice water….
Choosing the Right Store Brand Ointment is Tough, For Life is Fleeting
By Guest Writer Bill Edgecomb What is this life but a single blink of the eye of an ever-expanding universe? Why do we itch? Is existence itching, the cause of which is the desire for ointment? Are we to just…
Guilt-Stricken Woman Slips Husband Antidote
Plastic Fork Makes Valiant Effort
Breaking: Glossy News to Feature Malaysia Flight 370 Article
GN Corporate Headquarters—After waiting long enough for someone, anyone, to address the issue that was clearly a major, current topic, Glossy News has finally caved in and decided to break their deafening silence regarding Malaysia Flight 370. “I just know…
Pathetic Résumé Supercharged by Plastic Folder
ANAHEIM, CA—The offices of Walworth and Rhodes were gut-punched with excitement upon seeing that an applicant’s otherwise completely unimpressive résumé had been placed inside a plastic folder. With a work history that made him an unequivocal leper in the job…
Newborn Could Face up to 75 Years
According to sources, newborn Daniel Briggs could face up to 75 years. For the duration of his sentence, he is to live in an environment where people are known to be arbitrarily cruel, outrageously hypocritical and condemn others on the…
Little Boy Disguises Self as Grown Man for Party
KNOXVILLE, TN—In an attempt to blend in, local barista Wes Dinkins assumed the identity of an adult human being for the duration of a recent social gathering. Stifling his enthusiasm about video games and how often he plays them, he…
I Guess I Have an Irrational Fear of Tubes Going in my Urethra
Guest writer Doug Fedler Call me crazy, but I just don’t like the idea of having tubes inserted into my urethra. I guess everyone’s got their quirks. Maybe my thinking is a little cluttered since I’m about to have my…
Really Good Hoagie Makes Man Briefly Forget His Inevitable Death
GARY, IN—While eating at his neighborhood Quizno’s Wednesday, local man Gene Lisowski spoke with reporters about the fact that he completely forgot the inescapable reality of his own death while eating a turkey club hoagie. Lisowski described the sandwich that…