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90 Year Old On Deathbed Comforted By Family Repeatedly Pointing Out How Old He Is

90 Year Old On Deathbed Comforted By Family Repeatedly Pointing Out How Old He Is

FT. LAUDERDALE, FLA — 90-year-old Elmer Durzylwood was reportedly at peace in his final hours late last night after his family had spent the entire day repeatedly telling him that he is very old, sources report.

The entire family, who at one point gathered in a circle around the patriarch’s hospital bed and took turns shrugging and repeating the sentence, “Well, you’re at that age,” agrees that, in the end, Durzylwood seemed to accept his fate.

According to Durzylwood’s 32-year-old granddaughter Rebecca Jonovry, “Pee-pop lived a great life. He served in the second World War, got married, and raised some kids. So, yesterday, we just kept trying to drive home the point that it wasn’t that big of a deal for him to die now.”

Added Jonovry, “After we explained the facts of the matter to him — how leaving everything and everyone you’ve ever loved and ceasing to exist is just a part of life — that really seemed to assuage his fear of the eternal slumber under the King of Terrors’ blanket, you know?”

At press time, reports indicate that in Durzylwood’s final moments, he was especially relieved to know that his family wouldn’t be taking his passing too hard.

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If you enjoyed this article, well, there's probably something deeply wrong with you. Fortunately, I'm neither your psychiatrist nor your sponsor. I'm an enabler, and I've got more of that sweet, sweet satire on my website, Reidicule News. Go ahead. Click it and get your fix. I won't judge.

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15 Responses to “90 Year Old On Deathbed Comforted By Family Repeatedly Pointing Out How Old He Is”

  1. Mad Max says:

    At least they didn’ t try to keep him alive so he could watch how much fun they were having with the freedom he fought for. That would just be cruel!

  2. This is a great one. The title alone made me laugh and there’s a real sting in that last sentence. It would have been even better if this were longer, I think, since there are ideas here that could be developed further.

  3. P. Beckert says:

    Aside from the too-long title, I enjoyed this one as well. Great premise as we’ve all seen this happen one time or more in our lives.

  4. Dot says:

    Good dark satire, but the writing style strongly resembles Shackleford.

  5. Kilroy says:

    At least he’s not worried about the kids on his lawn anymore.

  6. Michael Abreo says:

    Sometimes people are better off dead, like when they become old and gross.

  7. Kilroy says:

    Yeah, what about “young and gross” people?
    Is it wrong to “send them to the cornfield?”

    (Note: There are two ways to take that reference, each of which will be based on age and seminal piece of fiction one thinks it refers to).

  8. Mad Max says:

    Not all youth is literally , literately lost in space. See Mr. Kilroy, I made a clever funny and knew the reference, too.

  9. Brian K. White says:

    @Mad Max – I would say it’s a great thing that he could see how they enjoy their freedom and liberty. But I think you’re saying America wouldn’t be America if we hadn’t participated in the many, nearly endless wars, and that’s a pretty big leap to make.

    We were instrumental in WW1 & WW2 in that we brought them to a much speedier end, but the tide was already in the Allies’ favor. Neither Japan nor Germany would had the might to conquer America. Both were depleted from battles with their neighbors. The following 70-years of war did nothing to protect our freedom, and in many ways eroded it, since it led to a crack down on our 1st, 4th and some would argue our 2nd amendment rights.

    At least they’re not keeping him alive so he can see how endless wars he thought were noble actually ended up shredding our constitution. That would just be cruel.

  10. Mad Max says:

    That certainly would be cruel in an ironic way. Conceptually.
    Satirically he’s free to die because the grandchild is free to say so.
    Figuratively

  11. deeptrout says:

    I’ve been trying to think of something funny to say but it just ain’t coming…

  12. Kilroy says:

    After all of that, he’d be happy to die. BOOM! There I said it.

  13. Reidicule says:

    In all fairness, though, the story doesn’t specify which side he fought for in WWII. Depending on how you read it, some of you may be Nazi-sympathizers.

  14. Mad Max says:

    Ach du lieber!

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