Categorized | War Zone

Homeland Security Warns of “Out-For-Blood” Radical Group Calling Itself “Red Cross”

Homeland Security Warns of “Out-For-Blood” Radical Group Calling Itself “Red Cross”

WASHINGTON — The Department of Homeland Security released a statement yesterday afternoon warning U.S. citizens of recent efforts by a group of homegrown radicals whom officials say are “out-for-blood.” Reports indicate the organization is calling itself Red Cross.

According to sources, the group’s signature act of torture involves draining the blood from humanitarians unfortunate enough to find themselves on a Red Cross “tablé” (pronounced taw-blay or tay-bul), which is a device not unlike the infamous “rack” used in the Spanish Inquisition.

In a video released through the Red Cross website, members of the organization can be seen wielding sharp needles — their faces partially obscured by white sterile masks, revealing only the resolve in their soulless eyes — as a voiceover declares that “…soon, the streets will run red with the Type O-Negative blood of the infidel!”

It should be noted, however, that conflicting reports contend a more literal translation is actually closer to “Please, if you don’t give us your blood, people will die.”

At press time, The Department of Homeland Security had issued a series of internal memos directing all references to the radical group change from “Red Cross” to the “Intravenous Syringe of Irritated Leukocytes,” and then to “The American Red Cross,” after which it was the “Liberation of People’s Blood From Their Veins” Movement, followed by “The Un-sovereign State Of Indignant Pain From Being Stuck With Needles,” only to revert ultimately back to the original name, “Red Cross.”

Share

This post was written by

- who has written 47 posts on GlossyNews.com.

If you enjoyed this article, well, there's probably something deeply wrong with you. Fortunately, I'm neither your psychiatrist nor your sponsor. I'm an enabler, and I've got more of that sweet, sweet satire on my website, Reidicule News. Go ahead. Click it and get your fix. I won't judge.

.

Leave a Reply


We are also looking for a satire editor
and a Clever Photoshop Guru...
Glossy News Exclusive Exposés


-- (SEE ALL GlossyNews.com Videos) --



Glossy News Fake Commercials!





Glossy News Podcast


(Listen on iTunes or Libsyn)


More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?



Check This Out!

ca-dress.com shop dresses online

Recommended Sportsbook MyBookie.ag

Our Top Authors (last 30-days)



All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial