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Ron Paul in Fight for GOP Nutjob Vote

Ron Paul in Fight for GOP Nutjob Vote

Repeat offender presidential candidate Ron Paul now faces an unexpected threat, according to sources close to the campaign. There may be somebody in the race who is crazier than him.

On electoral issues, veterans say ‘a year is a decade.’ That proverb is especially validated in 2011, a landscape vastly different from the previous presidential contest.

In 2008, Congressman Paul could rely on a small but intensely loyal group of supporters; no other candidate wanted them. The Paul constituency has always defied definition.

Currents ranging from 9/11 skepticism through isolationism to drug legalization run strong. The only unifying concept seems to be they want Ron Paul to be President. All that may have changed in 2011. As nobody ever expects the Spanish Inquisition, nobody expected Gary Johnson.

New Mexico’s former Governor, Gary Johnson seems positioned to challenge Mr. Paul for voters who cherish bizarre opinions. A tireless proponent of marijuana decriminalization, Johnson is widely thought to be the best marijuana expert to seek office since Warren Harding.

Supporters believe Johnson will ‘totally smoke that poser Obama’ in debate on all marijuana related questions. It seems clear the Johnson campaign is already thinking past the nomination.

Presidential elections are often decided on ephemeral issues, according to historians. Some say this trend began in 1960, with JFK narrowly defeating the more experienced Richard Nixon, because Nixon looked like the blind date from Hell.

Many now leaving the Paul camp insist their new man is simply better positioned against Obama. Campaign spokesman Hugo Wild said, “Gary is a triathlete who’s climbed Mt. Everest. That’s a vigorous, dynamic image. Dr. Paul’s contributions in getting the truth out are inestimable. But he’s just a little too ‘you kids get out of my yard’ to defeat Obama.”

And in questioning, Mr. Wild refused to say how many ‘X Files’ DVD’s he owns, citing 8th amendment Constitutional protections.

Under the once dependable fringe of the Ron Paul umbrella, there are now stirrings of schism; that much seems clear. How it will play out is impossible to predict in this just beginning election cycle. Paul die-hard Evan Stevens dismisses any talk of a fringe fracturing, saying it’s another attempt to suppress the truth.

“Libertarians, you don’t understand Libertarians man. Johnson may be all right, but he hasn’t even spoken to the important issues yet. Like, where does he stand on the suitcase nukes that took down the twin towers man?”


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I write gags for Glossy News when an idea pops into my pumpkin sized head. Don't make a big deal out of it, OK? I contribute to my local food pantry and you should too.


11 Responses to “Ron Paul in Fight for GOP Nutjob Vote”

  1. unknown says:

    Shameful article.

  2. Ryan says:

    Great example of poor writing.

  3. P. Beckert says:

    Right on, man. I’d definitely consider voting a pot head into office.

  4. Looks like you got a couple of reactions from Paul supporters, LT. They have a heavy Internet presence, but no sense of humor.

  5. P. Beckert says:

    I thought their comments were pretty humorous…

  6. Well for any other Dr. Paul supporters who may stumble on this? I respect your candidate, but many a truth is spoken in jest.

    The Paul movement appears to be a bunch of one issue constituencies cobbled together. I wonder whether they’d be interested in politics at all, if not for their one issue. I also wonder why there’s such a strong 9/11 alternative theorist presence among Paul supporters.

    Which is unfortunate, since Dr. Paul is a man of sincerely held principles who appears to be followed around by a carnival troupe.

    Pity, because his policies merit calm consideration. Do we want drugs legalized on the scope Dr. Paul would favor? Would our country be safer with the overseas base structure Dr. Paul would prefer?

    That’d be useful discourse; principle ‘should’ inform policy, and we should be asking these questions as a nation. We can’t do that though, because a man is known by the company he keeps.

    So how many X Files DVD’s do you have anyway?

  7. G C Gent says:


  8. P. Beckert says:

    L-T, good questions. The problem with too many Americans is they only see issues as black or white instead of getting into the grey areas (not talking brains here).

  9. rfreed says:

    Figures. The one conservative I like LB doesn’t

  10. Brian K. White says:

    “Figures. The one conservative I like LB doesn’t”

    If you’re going to call Liberties 16-ounces, at least call him a pint. I think we could all drink to that.

  11. I concur Mr. White! Smartass is a tribe, and tribal affiliation always supersedes politics.

    However, if we’re to raise our glass in a London pub mind you all, be sure NOT to order a pint. Instead, ask for .47317 Litres. It’s a new EU regulation.


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