Obamacare to Include Mood Ring Mandate?

As the few remaining Tea Party freshmen and ‘Blue dog’ Democrats who are not embroiled in sex scandals stress their fiscal hawk credentials, some say it was inevitable that Obamacare would eventually feel the heat, and not just due to an untreated infection.

Sources close to the White House say nitpicking certain provisions from the Affordable Health Care Act is nothing but political posturing, while those on the other side of the debate call them obstructionist extremists.

But those aligned against the ‘Mood Ring’ mandate insist accusing them of political posturing is itself nothing but political posturing, and assert that their own position is in no way political posturing.

Judging from comments, the heart of the controversy is a requirement for at-risk individuals to wear sophisticated diagnostic devices on their ring fingers. The ‘rings’ are biometrically encoded for a range of warning signs, including blood sugar, cholesterol and serotonin levels.

“Only our current President would want to buy jewelry for everybody when this nation is in hock up to the ears,” said Senator Denton Fender (R-TX). “I’m only surprised he doesn’t want everybody to have matching earrings too. Besides, how do we know these rings don’t have some secret purpose? Could be they inject some fast-acting, undetectable poison whenever Obama’s death panel decides. To date, our President has refused to provide proof that mood rings aren’t a way to kill old people. Hey where you going? I was going to give you some bumper stickers. They’re free.”

Killing people is not one of the design functions of the ‘mood ring’ according to its inventors. Said Dr. Percy Hyde-Warf, “This is technology developed during the space program, which apparently we can’t have anymore because seven pennies per year from every American citizen is just too much money. There’s a chip in the band of the ring that is smaller than an adult flea.

“It analyzes skin temperature, trace chemicals in perspiration, and the crystal changes color immediately. This would probably save hundreds of lives each year, but we can’t have that either, due to all those silly posturing pisswads in the White House and Congress. I can say that safely, having given my notice last week.”

Experts are unwilling to predict how ‘Ring-gate’ will play out in the heat of the burgeoning GOP primary race. In a totally unrelated story, Dr. Percy Hyde-Warf was arrested today on suspicion of tax evasion, child pornography, and being a member of the Taliban.

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