Tea Party Rejects Alligator Moat Concession

Posted by your South America correspondents Maria and Consuela Lopez – GlossyNews.com In his first major speech on immigration reform, President Obama proved in El Paso he has now learned how to piss off everybody at the same time.

We Latinos are a more pragmatic people than you’d think, and Mr. Obama’s new proposal does have its merits, if it seemed deliverable. Providing a path to citizenship for millions of people who love the United States lifestyle would be worth a 1300 mile long alligator filled moat at the border.

But our extensive research among those who identify as Tea Partiers suggests widespread distrust of the President’s plan.

Actually we just called a couple of dozen people at random really.

Consuella? Who do you expect people to believe; your wild assertions or that expense report we just turned in?

So Maria and I did weeks of very extensive research on the Tea Party reaction. They want Komodo dragons instead. Obviously there aren’t enough Komodo dragons to fill up a 1300 mile border moat, so the proposal seems doomed. Latinos never thought the offer was genuine in the first place though.

Yeah, it really sounded to us like President Obama was telling Latinos “Vote for me or Republicans will feed you to alligators.” See, we don’t believe that. George W. Bush was in the White House for twelve years or something, and no Latinos got ate by alligators.

Well, there was that thing with Arturo.

No Consuella that doesn’t count at all. Arturo was in Brazil and got eaten by those little fish with the big teeth; it’s not the Republicans’ fault. Lots of other things are, but not Arturo.

Latinos want to be treated like adults, most of us having earned the right to be treated as adults. We don’t like going to parties and having some comb-over guy say Pablo Picasso is his favorite artist.

Picasso was Spanish, not Latino. Comb-over Romeo with his breath that could stop a royal wedding was just trying to get in our pants, and we knew that. It was insulting that he thought we didn’t know. Now it feels to us like the Democratic Party is just trying to get in our pants November 2012.

What was Arturo doing in Brazil any way hermana?

You know Consuella, I’ve always wondered about that too.

Author: Liberties-Taken

I write gags for Glossy News when an idea pops into my pumpkin sized head. Don't make a big deal out of it, OK? I contribute to my local food pantry and you should too.