Author: Laurence Brown
Fewer Trick-Or-Treaters Than 20 Years Ago, Lament Nation’s Pedophiles
INDIANAPOLIS – Ahead of this year’s Halloween, the nation’s pedophiles lamented Monday the relatively low number of children seen trick-or-treating on the streets in recent years. Recalling a time when groups of young children would freely mobilize between houses in…
Cat Subconsciously Putting Own Sensibilities Onto Humans
INDIANAPOLIS – Having carried out little research into the species in question, 2-year-old Indianapolis cat, Mickey, continues to subconsciously put his own sensibilities onto humans – specifically his 29-year-old owner Matt. Incorrectly determining that his overlord probably enjoys the sight…
Richard Murdock’s Senate Campaign in Disarray As God Comes Out Pro Choice
INDIANAPOLIS – The senate campaign of Indiana’s leading Republican candidate, Richard Mourdock, is reportedly in disarray Tuesday after the Almighty Father in Heaven identified himself as pro-choice. God’s stance on the issue of abortion comes as a particular blow to…
Ageing Jimmy Carter Accidentally Endorses Mitt Romney for President
WASHINGTON D.C. – In a televised address before the press corps Saturday, ageing former Democratic president Jimmy Carter accidentally endorsed Mitt Romney for the presidency, insisting: “Romney is a progressive thinker and he’s gonna do a whole bunch of good…
Romney: ‘As President, I Will Put a Man On Mars By 2014’
WASHINGTON D.C. – In an effort to bolster support for his campaign ahead of next month’s presidential election, Republican candidate Mitt Romney has vowed to put a man on the surface of Mars by the year 2014. Speaking at a…
Student Cramming in Some Last Minute Procrastination
MUNCIE, IN – Ahead of his first midterm exam Monday, Ball State University English major, Ross O’Keefe, was hard at work Sunday cramming in some much-needed and last minute procrastination. Equipping himself with the tools required to compose a detailed…
God Puts Global Warming on Hold for A Few Days
INDIANAPOLIS – As temperatures dropped Tuesday to a low of 39° F across the Midwest, God announced that global warming will be put on hold for a few days, while he just tests out a few things. Eager to continue…
Paul Ryan: ‘Must Not Look Weak, Must Not Look Weak’
KENTUCKY – Following his televised debate with Vice President Joe Biden Thursday, Mitt Romney’s running mate Paul Ryan insisted: “must not look weak, must not look weak, must not look weak.” Adopting a serious tone during post-debate festivities, the 42-year-old…
Pathetic, Dilapidated Barn Still Most Exciting Thing to See For Over 100 Miles
SEYMOUR, IN – Though it has mostly deteriorated following decades of adverse weather conditions, poor upkeep and termite infestation, a pathetic and dilapidated barn remains the single most exciting thing for about a hundred miles. Constructed in the 1920s, the…
Tea Party Demonstrators Call For Lower Taxes, Smaller Vocabulary
WASHINGTON D.C. – Throughout a rousing rally on Capitol Hill Tuesday, hundreds of Tea Party demonstrators – voicing their disapproval of Barack Obama’s presidency – championed the idea of lowering taxes and downsizing the nation’s vocabulary. Speaking over a bullhorn,…