Fewer Trick-Or-Treaters Than 20 Years Ago, Lament Nation’s Pedophiles

INDIANAPOLIS – Ahead of this year’s Halloween, the nation’s pedophiles lamented Monday the relatively low number of children seen trick-or-treating on the streets in recent years.

Recalling a time when groups of young children would freely mobilize between houses in search of candy, sex offenders from across the country laid blame on the media and its “whirlwind of paranoia” for the apparent decline in trick-or-treaters.

“Halloween is not what it was in the early Nineties,” the pedophile community agreed today. “I remember back then, parents were not afraid to let their kids roam the streets as they are today.”

“From about 1994 onward, Halloween has just deteriorated into a pathetic excuse of a holiday,” the collective continued. “It is truly sad how the mainstream media has sensationalized and over-exaggerated the threat posed to children, all in the interest of ratings.”

Bizarrely, the widespread discontent among pedophiles was shared this afternoon by the nation’s parents, who declared that trick-or-treating “was all the rage back when we ourselves were little”.

“It’s such a shame that it has come to this,” agreed both the nation’s parents and sex offenders later this evening.

Author: Laurence Brown

Laurence Brown is an award-winning comedic journalist based in Indianapolis, Indiana, who has edited several satirical news papers since 1999. Hailing from the United Kingdom, he has also written plays and short stories. He has a bachelor's degree in English and Creative Writing from Lancaster University. This article was originally published by The Indy Tribune.

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