Russian Collusion 2.0

President Trump

Washington, DC- On Monday, it was reported that the Russian Intelligence Agency (GRU) successfully perpetrated a spear fishing hack of the Ukrainian energy company Burisma in late December.

Burisma is the same Ukrainian energy company that employed Hunter Biden, son of former Vice President and Democratic Presidential candidate Joe Biden, and is at the heart of the ongoing Impeachment of President Trump. An impeachment inquiry was started on September 24, 2019 after members of the House Oversight Committee were notified of a whistleblower complaint that accused the President of withholding congressionally allocated funds until the Ukrainians agreed to investigate his political rivals.

SATIRE WARNING: The following content is for entertainment purposes only. User discretion is advised.

New details have emerged this morning that indicate the hack was initiated at the request of President Trump personally. According to multiple sources within the White House, the request took place the evening of December 18, 2019, a mere 45 minutes after the House of Representatives had approved Articles of Impeachment on the charges of abuse of power and obstruction of Congress.

According to one White House aide, who wished to remain anonymous:

The President was obviously very upset that night, so he reached out to his close friend Vladimir (Putin) to vent, as he had many times before. As the conversation dragged on, the President (Trump) wondered aloud whether or not there was somebody who could take a closer look at Burisma’s records. Putin indicated he would see what he could do. As implausible as it may seem to the outside world, the President is a very compulsive and opportunistic man. Whenever he sees a chance to further his causes … he is quick to take action without much thought regarding any potential fallout. Just like his infamous call with (Ukrainian President)Zelensky, President Trump saw an opportunity to promote his interests, and took it. This is standard Trump!

Another White House staff member confessed.

After all, he doesn’t like it when he doesn’t have complete control of a situation. He will push the limits of credulity in an effort to feel as if he controls a situation, regardless of its size or import. If I’m to be honest… I’m shocked he was able to wait 45 minutes before he reached out to Putin.

Some colleagues agreed.

This is all Rudy’s fault, you never send a man addicted to Ether to dig up dirt on your political opponent.

Another aide confessed.

Sure, Rudy did come across some interesting information when he was gallivanting through Europe over the summer, but the documents he transmitted back were a strange mix of hieroglyphs and chicken scratch. Suffice to say, we could barely read his Intel, let alone understand it.

In response to this latest revelation, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) posted on Shitter:

Once again the President has turned to the Russians to do his dirty work, he just can’t help himself.  After we transmit Articles of Impeachment to the Senate, the House will immediately begin another Impeachment Inquiry so we can investigate this matter more thoroughly.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) told reporters from the steps of the Senate Building:

The President must have some kind of hearing problem… We keep telling him this type of behavior is illegal, that it is a betrayal to his oath of office, and that it undermines our democratic principles, yet he continues to do the same thing over and over again. I just don’t understand why he keeps asking Russia for help every time he gets into a bind. This is maddening.

As expected, Republican leadership was much more reserved in its response. Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell (R-KY), simply shrugged his shoulders when he was confronted by reporters.

At this time I have nothing to say about this matter.  I will confer with the White House later on this evening, and by the morning, we will have a consistent and uniform response. By now, nobody should be surprised by this President’s actions. He was elected by the people specifically because of his refusal to adhere to political norms, and if you ask me, this approach is consistent with that.

House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) offered his full throat-ed support of the President.

This is just more fake news from Lamestream media. Under Article 2 of the Constitution, a Republican President can do whatever he wants as long as his party holds a majority in either the House or the Senate. If the President wants to have Russia dig up dirt on his rivals again, I’m fine with it. In fact, I’d be happy to let them borrow my shovel if it’s helpful.

Democrats are expected to transmit Articles of Impeachment to the Senate on Wednesday, with the opening of a new inquiry as early as next Monday.  This story is ongoing, and will be updated as more details emerge.

Author: Fort Nag

Ft. Nag is a poet and speculative satirist who lives in Sacramento, CA. "Real News and Fake News have become interchangeable in our world today. This probably won't help. Sorry."