Senate Republicans Blame Dems for Failed Budget Negotiations with White House


Washington, DC- Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) lashed out at Senate Democrats today, after his fellow Republicans failed to reach an agreement on a long term military funding bill with White House negotiators, resulting in a reported physical altercation that involved McConnell himself.

What happened today is… regrettable, but I think my point came across in a way the other side will understand. That will help when we eventually come back to the table. The truth is, Democrats have failed America, and today’s outcome is reflective of that.”

“If not for their divisive, obstructionist tactics, I truly believe that Senate Republicans and the Presidents negotiators could have come to an agreement. It’s a shame that Democrats refused to come to the table in good faith, it really hurt the negotiation process, and lead to the little shake-up at there at the end.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY), who did not attend the negotiations, attempted to defend his party on Shitter:

It’s no surprise Leader McConnell is trying to put this on Senate Democrats now that the talks have ended bad. Of course, he fails to mention that Democrats were never invited to these talks to begin with. The failure is between Mitch’s Republican wing, and the President’s Republican wing. It’s no different then when he tried to blame us for the Government Shutdown, which was a result of him, Paul Ryan, and the President not being able reach an agreement.

According to one source who took part in the negotiations, McConnell grew frustrated during Wednesdays round of talks after the President’s representative proposed a long term policy of passing one year CRs (Continued Resolutions) for the next 6 years, that way if the President wanted to change his mind, he wouldn’t be saddled with a long term commitment.

Other sources rebut this account, and claim the Presidents team “proposed no such thing,” and that their proposition “did included a CR for fiscal year 2020, but said nothing about CRs for 2021 or beyond.”

Though details of the President’s proposal are varied, depending on the source, there is one thing everyone can agree on:

Leader McConnell hopped up on the table, dropped his trousers and took a shit on the Presidents proposal.

He smiled as he did it and gave the Presidents guy an earful about military readiness and fiscal responsibility.

It took him like 20 minutes to squeeze one out, and he was lecturing between grunts… It was pretty awkward.

On the bright side, it was the most productive moment we’ve had so far. I mean everybody agrees that this was truly a breakthrough.

Further rounds of negotiations have been shelved in the meantime. Leader McConnell will return to the Senate for another round of Judicial confirmations beginning next week. This story is ongoing.

Author: Fort Nag

Ft. Nag is a poet and speculative satirist who lives in Sacramento, CA. "Real News and Fake News have become interchangeable in our world today. This probably won't help. Sorry."