Month: May 2011
Newt Gingrich Blames Obama for Setting Marital Standards Too High
For the second time this year, Newt Gingrich has announced nationally that he is definitely considering making a run for President of the United States on the GOP ticket. He admits he has some hurdles to overcome and addressed those…
75-Year Reunion Attracts Living Dead
Collegetown, Penn – GlossyNews.com – Penn State’s 75-year college reunion was disrupted Tuesday by the arrival of a horde of living dead from nearby Collegetown Cemetery. Based on cemetery dental records, all of the living dead who showed up at…
Lady Gaga May be Getting Married or Not
In a surprise turn of events, Lady Gaga today denied rumors that she was getting married, but hinted that she probably would get married. Those close to her say that she is contradicting herself as a way to throw off…
Go Ahead, Drop the F-Bomb; It’s the Easy Way Out
Can’t find the right word? Stifled when the cretin ahead of you in the “Express Lane” is paying for a full shopping cart with a Ziploc of Canadian coins? You’re not alone. There’s a shortage shredding the very polyester fiber…
Almost 20 Tons of Unwanted Drugs Turned in to DEA
For the second year in a row, the DEA has organized a drug take-back initiative event at 6 sites throughout New England to collect unused prescription medications from those residents who no longer want or need them. Unfortunately, just like…
Statusbook Saves Facebookers Time by Forcing “Like” Updates
MISSOULA, MT—A new website has made it even easier for Facebook members to update their status through a rating system that allows members to test their updates before posting them. Members who are too brain dead from lurking on the…
Drug-Induced Lobotomy Offers Hope for Stress-Plagued Society
Stress is the number one mental problem plaguing society today. Stress can lead to obesity, anorexia, suicide, and color T.V. Did you know that there has been a 20% increase of stress-related spontaneous combustion in April 2011 due only to…
Obama Boldly Removes Aioli Spreads from White House Menu
WASHINGTON DC—In an effort to prove that decreasing the U.S. deficit will require shared sacrifices, President Obama announced on Tuesday that he will eliminate aioli spreads from the White House Menu. “Let me be clear. We are not limiting these…
Bumper Crop of Medical Marijuana Expected in White House Garden
Thanks to a wet and mild spring in the nation’s capital this year, a bumper crop of medical marijuana is expected in the White House garden. Tommy Chong, chief Japanese gardener, (no relation to that other Tommy Chong) claims the…