Peyton Manning Didn’t Vote: Too Busy Feigning Modesty About Status as Best F’ng Quarterback Ever

Denver, CO—Denver Broncos’ Quarterback, Peyton Manning, revealed to reporters this evening that he didn’t have time to visit the polls today because he was too busy faking modest responses to numerous claims that he is the greatest QB of all time. Read more Peyton Manning Didn’t Vote: Too Busy Feigning Modesty About Status as Best F’ng Quarterback Ever

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Man Experiences Superhuman Strength And Lifts Remote

Clearwater, FL—Local Comcast technician, Mike Haynes, reportedly experienced superhuman strength after nine hours of television on Saturday.

Between the eye strain and sore arm muscles from lifting over 18 cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon, Haynes wasn’t sure if he’d have the strength left to pick up the remote to change the channel. “I’ve heard about those people who lift cars and things in an emergency, so I figured that’s what happened to me when I saw that an educational show was coming up on channel six and I knew I had to change that channel quick,” Haynes told Channel Six News early this morning. Read more Man Experiences Superhuman Strength And Lifts Remote

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Making of a Prose Poem: Staggeringly Blasé Reviews

A young, aimless writer. A format no one cared about. The words everyone has to look up in an online dictionary. If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to be an unknown poet, this is the poem you need to ignore. Critics are raving about the new prose poem that everyone is calling the most boring event of the year. Read more Making of a Prose Poem: Staggeringly Blasé Reviews

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Newlywed Couple Fears That Honeymoon May Never End

SARASOTA, FL – GlossyNews.com — After nearly four years of marriage, Nathan and Jennifer Reed are starting to worry that their proverbial “honeymoon” might never end, despite several attempts to take each other for granted and argue over petty differences.

While most married couples spend a mere six months ignoring faults and having way too much passionate Read more Newlywed Couple Fears That Honeymoon May Never End

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Matzo Ball Drowns In Its Own Soup

BROOKLYN, NY—Police found the remains of a 9-day-old Matzo ball in a Park Slope apartment building after neighbors complained about a strong odor coming from 40J. “It was the undeniable smell of chicken broth and parsley,” describes a downstairs neighbor, who wishes to remain nameless due to troubles with the Matzahfia.

Apparently, the Matzo ball had been left in bowl of soup and forgotten about in the back of the refrigerator. Detective James Bellingham of the NYPD says there’s no telling how long the poor Matzo ball had been in there. Read more Matzo Ball Drowns In Its Own Soup

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Nation’s Satirists Stumped by “Don’t Say Gay” Bill

NEW YORK, NY—Comedians and “Fake News” Correspondents across the nation have been unable to produce any suitable material to satirize Tennessee’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill that advanced in the state’s Senate last month.

“It’s like they created the bill just to f**k with us,” one editor from The Onion told reporters, “I mean, we can’t think of anything more absurd than the proposed law itself. Read more Nation’s Satirists Stumped by “Don’t Say Gay” Bill

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State Sues for Intellectual Infringement in One Mississippi, Two Mississippi…

Jackson, MS- GlossyNews.com -Governor Haley Barbour of Mississippi announced today that the State of Mississippi now claims all rights to the use of “Mississippi” between any number while counting out loud.

In today’s press conference, the four-term governor said that the new copyright is not limited to “One Mississippi, Two Mississippi,” and so forth, but will include all integers as well as fractions. Read more State Sues for Intellectual Infringement in One Mississippi, Two Mississippi…

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Vermont Passes Immigration Law Aimed at Know-it-All Writers

Montpelier, VERMONT—Governor Peter Shumlin signed into law yesterday an Arizona-style bill to stop the immigration of know-it-all writers who are overcrowding the state’s MFA programs and forcing the state to create even more jobs that the writers are sure to be overqualified for once they realize no one wants to read their screenplay. Read more Vermont Passes Immigration Law Aimed at Know-it-All Writers

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Statusbook Saves Facebookers Time by Forcing “Like” Updates

MISSOULA, MT—A new website has made it even easier for Facebook members to update their status through a rating system that allows members to test their updates before posting them.

Members who are too brain dead from lurking on the pages of ex-girlfriends or watching Youtube videos of raccoons giving hugs can also go to Statusbook to get ideas for status updates, or simply copy and paste updates that have already been rated. Read more Statusbook Saves Facebookers Time by Forcing “Like” Updates

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Obama Boldly Removes Aioli Spreads from White House Menu

WASHINGTON DC—In an effort to prove that decreasing the U.S. deficit will require shared sacrifices, President Obama announced on Tuesday that he will eliminate aioli spreads from the White House Menu.

“Let me be clear. We are not limiting these cuts to the traditional Garlic aioli,” the President told a group of reporters at the White House on Tuesday afternoon, “No. We’re cutting all kinds of aioli—Chipotle, Basil, Dill, Tarragon, even Mint, despite the fact that it goes so well over the Braised Lamb Shanks with Thyme.” Read more Obama Boldly Removes Aioli Spreads from White House Menu

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Local Cat Blames Indoor Lifestyle for Catnip Addiction

BURLINGTON, VT—Yesterday, neighborhood cat, Nella Watson, revealed that she’s finally on the road to recovery after a long battle with Catnip Abuse.

When asked what started her addiction to what’s colloquially referred to as “Nip” in the Feline community, Nella claims that being held like a prisoner in her own home led her down the path of abuse and Nip addiction. Read more Local Cat Blames Indoor Lifestyle for Catnip Addiction

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Darkness Therapy May Increase Depression in World’s Happiest Country

DENMARK (Glossynews.com International) –A new study currently underway in Denmark could prove that prolonged exposure to darkness may improve symptoms of merriment and cheer in people who are “entirely too happy.”

While the evidence is inconclusive, researchers say that the study is promising for therapists who are losing dozens of potential patients to the inherent joy and positive nature of the Danish people. Read more Darkness Therapy May Increase Depression in World’s Happiest Country

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Study Shows Baby Boomers Look for Apathy, Social Inequality in Brands

This week The Gibraltar Group released the results of a study that indicates that Baby Boomers have given up on the economy ever recovering and continue to buy products that reflect their lack of hope and apathy toward the situation. While the study shows that younger generations prefer brands that mirror hope for the future, the Boomers simply don’t care about what’s going to happen since they will be dead in twenty years anyway. Read more Study Shows Baby Boomers Look for Apathy, Social Inequality in Brands

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