Decrepit 80s Beano cameo prancer and overfed nannified Southern flouncer Jacob Rees-Mogg wants you to know that he hates neoliberal greed, elitist Londoners and the usual arrogant south of the M1 Avocado Gangsters of the Kale ‘n’ Quinoa belt… And he ain’t afraid to say it!
Well in fact, there’s quite a few of ‘em in politics who think this way, including good old Spaffer Johnson…
And Monsieur Fromage…
Now sad to say my pretty darlings, neoliberalism really does rather appear to constitute something of an ignominious slough of despond that has comprehensively failed the British people, and in particular the working class.
In this regard, I shan’t neglect to inform you I was really rather dismayed when nanny was so good to inform me the other day that there were people eating chicken nuggets and Turkey twizzlers instead of 9 Bird Roast!
Really, I daresay I had always assumed that the existence of such peculiarly plebeian flights of fancy was a mythical concoction deriving purely and solely from the feverish, snuff-ridden bonces of our simply wonderful indigenous comical tradition.
And I was really, to say the least, thoroughly horror-struck to be alerted that the whole piffling, priggishly pernicious paraphernalia of food banks, junk food and death from abject poverty and exposure to the elements, far from being some loony lefty guardianista conspiracy theory, a la notre bon camarade Jihadi Jez, but au contraire, ma cherie, it was en effet something perfectly real, and indeed a most pressing issue for our splendid party and tremendously innovative Anglo-Saxon native genius to resolve!
Now it would thus appear that there are at least three intractable Gordian knots whereby to waltz our merry little selves…
Firstly, the unaccountable, arrogant metropolitan elite have absolutely no sense of legitimate, healthy patriotism and loyalty to Queen and Country. Instead of promoting politically correct piffle and lefty nonsense on the BBC, with all it sententiously grandiloquent agitprop, and whatnot, they ought to refrain from heedlessly squandering their ill-gotten filthy lucre, and simply squirrel it away in some Caribbean island where the buggers can’t get their filthy paws on it!
Secondly, the usual city-dwelling urbanite fops and dandies have a most disgusting revulsion towards traditional Tory family values. Perhaps instead of sanctimoniously moralising about erotic matters in a MOST condescending and bourgeois tone, they ought rather, instead, to loosen up a little and be more our old friend Boris! Now all this lefty Neo-Puritan nonsense really is lowering the tone: let’s not all get so high and mighty of ourselves!
Thirdly, the utter disdain the effete, emasculated, enervated London elites have for true piety is really somewhat repugnant to the taste of the more cultivated among us. Instead of condemning the rest of us mere mortals for what they rather foolishly deem our fabulous metaphysical conceits and irrational superstitious shibboleths, they ought to be sticking with what they’re good at, and educating us instead regarding Saddam’s magicke disapparating WMDs, tank-top wearing jolly-rogerers under the bed and trickle-down economics!
We were going to ask Jeremy Corbyn to comment, but he’s too busy campaigning against racism to answer us right now…