After a 2017 High London gaff-gaffe where south of the M1 champagne socialist Jeremy Corbyn admitted there were plenty of people in Islington who drank cappucino every day, and that he knew many of them personally, an increasingly desperate Jezza is now pleading poverty.
Threatened by the stunning rise of the increasingly powerful Brexit Party, everyone’s favourite cuddly old marrow-growing, sweater-wearing, Trotsky-loving cantankerous offensive grandfather has offered us, the good people of England and the international proletariat beyond these shores, the following stunning words of wisdom.
Just as my fellow radical leftists Hillary and Bill Clinton were left homeless after the mainstream media’s purely manufactured and fraudulent antisemitic intern scandal, I have to say constant hatemongering and fearmongering from the J… oh do excuse me, the ZIONIST! … press mafia and tabloid wreckers of the rootless cosmopolitan North London elite has left me essentially destitute. I have always been a man of the people, but now that I am actually lowered to the degrading status of supplementing my organic kale hummus and ethically sourced quinoa pâté with repugnant plebeian neoliberal trash like Walker’s Crisps and Newcastle Brown Ale, I have an even better understanding than ever before of the terrible impact all this Tory austerity has had on me and my fellow working class heroes, from Islington to Coalisland, from Newcastle to Mayfair, from Park Lane to Brixton. And I promise you that from here on in, not one British schoolchild shall ever have to live on chicken nuggets and Pedro Ximenez again! Let them eat ethically sourced, organic, vegan, gluten-free coq au vin, or let the buggers starve!
The Brexit Party leader responds thusly.
Well, I’ve pretty much had the same problem. The number of times I’ve been photographed drinking Strongbow and Special Brew… It’s about time politicians and other oppressed minorities started getting a bit more recognition in this society! Maybe we should start trying to spread the wealth around a bit!
Across the pond, millionaire democratic socialists Bernie Sanders and AOC have also put their two (dozen thousand) cents in.
How on earth do they manage to get by on that crap. If we’re not careful, we might have to start going to Starbucks five times a week… What the HELL ARE WE GOING TO DO ON WEEKENDS?!
Oh wait, they don’t work on weekends do they????????
Well, our research team tried to contact some ACTUAL working class heroes who really know about the dull daily poverty grind, but The Manchester Guardian and TYT were too busy panhandling for cocaine and Communism.