Tag Archive | "white house"

President Trump Trashes Oval Office


White House sources have confirmed that President Trump has caused considerable damage to the Oval Office.

‘He turned over tables,’ reported one source, ‘upended chairs, ripped curtaining and threw paintings out of smashed windows onto the White House lawn.’

‘He was beside himself with fury about the judgement of the 9th US Circuit Court of Appeals,’ said one aide, ‘in which three judges unanimously refused to block the Seattle court ruling that halted the president’s ban on US entry by citizens from seven, mainly Muslim, countries.’

During his rampage, the president was reported to have screamed: ‘I’m the goddam president. I can eat all the ice cream I like; have friends for sleepovers when I want; stay up late; look at whatever I want on the Internet; demonise any group of people I don’t like, and do anything else I damn well please. I can, I can, I can, I can!!!’

‘He was inconsolable for many hours,’ added Doris Hoover, the cleaner employed to keep the Oval Office tidy. ‘When he’d stopped stamping his feet and banging on the walls, he just sat down on the floor and cried. I was real cross with him at first as it’s gonna take me ages to get the room right again. I then felt sorry for the poor little fellow, sat down beside him and gave him a cuddle. He told me between sobs that it was all sooo unfair. He couldn’t understand why “so called God” had let “so called judges” in “so called courts” be so horrid to him.’

Greta Mindstein, a leading US psychologist, has pointed out that, although alarming, this behaviour is characteristic of a normal developmental phase. ‘Usually, however,’ Ms Mindstein explained to reporters, ‘this stage tends to have passed by the age of five or six – and certainly long before a person is eligible to become president of the United States. It’s an effect of what Freud called “infantile narcissism”‘ she clarified, ‘and derives from the greatly exaggerated sense of self-importance that many very young children develop from their natural tendency to see themselves as the centre of their universe.

‘Rational grown-ups placing boundaries on such behaviour,’ Ms Mindstein continued, ‘is part of a learning process. In the case of the president, the recent constraint on his behaviour – and others that will inevitably occur in the near future – should ultimately be internalised as he progresses towards emotional maturity.’

A senior presidential advisor has confirmed that the president has begun to feel a lot more cheerful as time has passed since the Appeal Court ruling, and is looking forward to going to the park to play baseball with his friends and then having his favourite burgers for supper.

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Trump Agrees to Return Alaska to Russia


In a clever, sage move by president elect Donald Trump, Alaska will be returned to Russia on January 21st, 2017. “We stole these lands and they have to go back to their rightful owners.”

The United States purchased Alask from Russia in 1867 for the staggering sum of $7.2 million. Russia had territorial claim, but no real settlement, so the transfer was seen as a win-win, unaware of the future geo-political implications.

“We don’t even use it,” said Trump. “What’s it for? Sure there’s some oil and penguins up there, but they aren’t like us. Just because you’re Nanook doesn’t mean you live in my north.” Read the full story

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“Yucky World” w/ Dick & Janey: Russian spy embedded in Obama White House!


Announcer: This is a “Yucky World” Special! Talk show hosts Dick and Janey will not be saying much today. We’ll be listening instead to a secretly recorded conversation in which a deep cover Russian agent known as Putzy, embedded in the Obama administration as a foreign policy expert, is being debriefed by Bob, his handler.

Dick: This is serious stuff, folks!

Janey: Our source, who has security clearances at the highest levels, has chosen to remain anonymous.

Dick: You may wonder why he would leak this to us.

Janey: Think: Bengazi, the IRS’s lost emails, Fast and Furious, bin Laden’s hundreds of thousands of never released documents, the Sergeant Bergdahl trade due to his “poor” health…

Dick: …Obama’s college records!

Janey: Dick, please.

Dick: Well, even George W. Bush released his!

Janey: True, but maybe he had better grades. Let’s listen to the debriefing.
_ _ _ _ _
Bob: You were absolutely right about his ego!

Putzy: Thank you, sir, but Obama made it easy. All you had to do was listen to him. In his victory speech in June of 2008, he said that his nomination would mark “the moment when the rise of the oceans begin to slow and our planet began to heal…”

Bob: Dr. Obama, ready to save the world!

Putzy: In the next month he went even further. He said that his becoming president “is the moment…that the world is waiting for…”

Bob: So was Prime Minister Putin!

Putzy: And your follow up was brilliant, sir.

Bob: Spasiba! We used our persuasive powers to convince the Norwegians to give him the Nobel Peace Prize…

Putzy: …For accomplishing nothing.

Bob: Exactly, but then he had to live up to it…and for almost six years Obama thought the best way to achieve that was by doing almost nothing…

Putzy: …That was successful. Which is exactly what happens when you choose to “Lead from behind”.

Bob: How did you convince them to make that their policy?

Putzy: They’re so naïve; they thought it was brilliant.

Bob: But your master stroke was getting Obama to stop the plans to build a missile defense system in Poland and the Czech Republic.

Putzy: Thank you, but deciding to undercut America’s friends and then announcing the change on the day World War II began in Europe was Obama’s idea.

Bob: Has he no sense of history?

Putzy: Obama believes it’s his moment to transform the world, that he is the embodiment of history!

Bob: Unbelievable! And then you got them to dumb-down their policy to “Don’t do stupid stuff!”

Putzy: Right! And that was after I had convinced Hillary to actually give a “Reset” button to Foreign Minister Lavrov.

Bob: Lavrov got a big kick out of the wrong word being used for “reset”! And, of course, Putin has been doing all the actual resetting…of boundaries.

Putzy: The Crimea and eastern Ukraine today! Who knows what tomorrow!! After all, Obama did tell President Medvedev that he would have “more flexibility” after he was elected in 2012.

Bob: Well, spinelessness is a form of flexibility. Too bad Obama only has two more years to go.

Putzy: I tried to convince him to work to change the Constitution back to no term limits for the President, that the Republicans had only changed it to hurt Democrats, but Obama wasn’t interested.

Bob: Really!

Putzy: Well, we were out on a golf course and he was trying to line up a putt.

Bob: That’s okay. You’ve had a lot of other successes.

Putzy: Afghanistan is my favorite. Obama was intent on getting all American troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan, but they did need more soldiers in Afghanistan. So, I told Obama when he announced the surge, he should also announce at the same time when the soldiers would start to leave.

Bob: Brilliant!! Nothing like letting your enemy know your future plans! You also did well when Obama trapped himself by drawing a “red line” over Syria’s use of chemical weapons.

Putzy: And, unbelievably, he later followed my suggestion of claiming that he really didn’t draw a red line, that “The world set a red line.”

Bob: That’s when comrade Putin stepped in and negotiated a deal to destroy all of Syria’s chemical weapons.

Putzy: And if you believe that, you will probably also believe that Iran is serious about negotiating away its ability to build nuclear weapons.

Bob: What was even harder to believe was his announcing that he didn’t have a strategy for dealing with the ISIS terrorists.

Putzy: I keep encouraging him not to use a teleprompter so he will make more unforced errors. The weaker he looks, the better for us. I mean, who wants to be in a coalition with someone who leads from behind without a strategy.

Bob: Your “Spike the ball” tactic has also provided a gold mine of information.

Putzy: With Obama, it’s all about politics. He and Hillary didn’t even deny that they had voted against Bush’s surge in Iraq for political reasons. When it came to killing bin Laden, I encouraged him to brag about how it was done. I thought a movie would be a good idea, too!

Bob: Well, Secretary of Defense Gates didn’t like all the intelligence being leaked out.

Putzy: I was in the next room when Gates told them to “Shut the f— up!” but it was too late for the Pakistani doctor who helped out. Nothing like burning an asset to discourage future sources.

Bob: But they never learn do they?

Putzy: Nyet! They even bragged about the failed operation to save the two executed reporters…with more information leaking to the terrorists.

Bob: Your “No boots on the ground!” idea seems to be working well, too!

Putzy: They keep making the same mistakes! There’s nothing dumber than telling your enemy ahead of time what you’re not going to do!

Bob: Come the 2016 election, we’re going to miss Obama and his “useful idiots”.

Putzy: Not even Hillary could be this good for us!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
Janey: This is devastating!

Dick: Can’t our source do something to out Putzy?

Janey: He’s tried. Obama’s not going to admit that he’s been naively bamboozled for the last six years.

Dick: Well, there is one promise that Obama has kept…at least to the Russians.

Janey: What’s that?

Dick: Being transparent!

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Harry Potter Breaks Hollywood Gag-clause, Stuns World Leaders into Unscheduled Epic Three Minutes of Silence


Harry Potter breaks Warner Brothers contractual gag-clauses. The wizard reveals What Must Not Be Spoken in the News Media Anywhere in the Muggle World.

Here, for the first time, the shocking truth behind why one of the world’s most famous wizards was forced to live a double life as Daniel Radcliffe in the Muggle World since he signed with the Hollywood movie studio.

Potter spoke on the record with investigative journalist Sophia-Bigg-Storm about how the White House-Hollywood-Military-Media Propaganda Complex censored all wizards and witches who appeared in the Harry Potter movies from talking about a 900-year old Wizard-Goblin Bankers’ War waged for financial control of the Muggle World.

Credit Conjurer: Ex-Wall Street & London banker, John Key, as New Zealand’s prime minister uses his Money Tree Wand to borrow $300m a week from a “foreign pixie” to keep the economy ‘solvent’.

Credit Conjurer: Ex-Wall Street & London banker, John Key, as New Zealand’s prime minister uses his Money Tree Wand to borrow billions from a “foreign pixie” to keep the economy of Lorde’s homeland ‘solvent’.

By Sophia Bigg-Storm, 13 August 2014

Raining on the Dark Wizards’ Parades

Wizard Harry Potter has shocked the Dark Forces of the Magical Realm that rule over the Muggle World.

The shock is not so much because Harry Potter spoke about the double life he has lived as Daniel Radcliffe in the Muggle World since he signed with the Warner Brothers movie studio to make the Harry Potter film series. Every muggle kid over the age of big six has worked this out and told their parents, but they have been disbelieved by their ‘know-betters’.

Rather, Potter has rocked the White House-Hollywood-Military-Media Propaganda Complex because he has spoken to a non-aligned news-outlet located in the Muggle World about an epic war being fought between Dark Wizards and Goblins. (It is a war fought mostly between males, because they dominate the top positions of banking and other major institutions; a fact which is a major gap in feminist scholarship due to the Ministry of Magic’s censorship power over education in the Muggle World).

This war has intensified in the last four decades. In short, the magical creatures are using their powers in a clichéd fight over the politics of money.

Potter stated that Warner Brothers movie studio had written gag-clauses into all the wizards and witches contracts, including his and his co-stars’ – witch, Hermione Granger and wizard, Ron Weasley. The Hollywood executives anticipated as the magically-gifted stars grew older, they would learn about the Wizard-Goblin’s Bankers’ War and likely try to alert entertainment-hungry naïve muggles about it. The wizard said they tried on numerous occasions to tell muggle reporters, but they would think the three young wizards were playing on the accepted separation between make-believe and make-real.

Furthermore, Potter explained key insiders of the world’s major news outlets have access to the major magical-stream media newspaper, the Daily Prophet, and like the world’s political leaders, they are well-briefed on the Wizard-Goblin Bankers’ War.

The wizard said these key insiders were offered interviews with numerous wizards and witches, but all rebuffed the opportunities, except The Washington Post, whose dyslexic reporting duo, Bob Woodward Jnr and Carl Bernstein Jnr, fantasized about scooping Magicgate, but they became becaged with fear and ‘chickened-out’ at the last minute.

Moreover, Potter’s interview with the non-aligned news outlet Snoopman News in Auckland New Zealand, was sent to all the world’s major news outlets via the Daily Prophet newspaper and a planet-wide muggle media blackout on the scoop followed. We also contacted our secret sources in the Obama administration, who checked White House transcripts of phone calls, memos and other communications that are currently blocked from being ritualistically leaked. Those sources confirmed Harry Potter’s story, but could not risk providing communications at this time.

Fraternal Friends: The world’s major muggle-stream media outlets maintain a black-out on the Wizard-Goblin Bankers’ War.

Fraternal Friends: The world’s major muggle-stream media outlets maintain a black-out on the Wizard-Goblin Bankers’ War.

Because of this worldwide censorship by unofficial means, numerous Light-working Wizards and Witches decided that it was time to break the Ministry of Magic’s law. That law stipulates that wizard and witches Must Not Reveal the Magical Realm to the Muggle World. But, the Light-working Wizards and Witches decided that unless they did, muggles would certainly become enslaved forever by debt, which had been sneakily added, like death and taxes, to life.

To this end, Harry Potter was sent via a hi-speed magnetized train network that runs through a natural tunnel labyrinth within the Earth’s crusty rock, to a far-flung outpost of the American Empire, the New Zealand ‘rock-star’ economy, where all musicians get by making coffee, not music. Except purple-lipped Lorde, who was chosen to be Queen Bee so that middle-class bees would channel their futile upper-class aspirations into consumer identity projects to keep the over-hyped economy working for the rich.

Potter said, “We’ve been extremely concerned about the fight between Dark Witches and Wizards and their enemies, the Goblin Bankers for some time.” A capitalist fraternity of Dark Wizards and Witches had struggled, throughout time and between the magical and muggle realms, with Goblin bankers for world domination, the wizard actor said.

World Domination by Finance

The famous wizard said that the American Empire has used its military power to force or coerce nearly every country in the world to trade oil in US dollars, during an interview that took place at night on the mean streets of Auckland, New Zealand’s largest city, in the middle of a week-long storm.

Harry Potter said, “[t]he US dollar, which has been the world’s unofficial world currency since World War II, is backed by the United States’ muggle military, and not gold or silver as it has been at various times.” By making the US dollar the central currency to trade oil, the world has, in effect, been financing the Dark Wizard’s militarization of the far-flung planet, Potter explained.

Presidential War Tree Wand: Obama carries the war wand when in transit in case the Dark Wizards order another war.

Presidential War Tree Wand: Obama carries the war wand when in transit in case the Dark Wizards order another war.

As audacious as that plot is, the Fraternity of Dark Wizard bankers and their rival Goblin bankers have burdened the world with debt to the tune of over $100 trillion. Potter stated, “The Fraternities of Dark Wizard and Goblin Bankers have captured most nation states during the last nine centuries through wars and terrorism, and other forms of traumatizing drama, including financial, economic and psychological warfare, with religious beliefs playing a major supporting role.

Their purpose has been to ensure that spineless governments borrow off the spiffily-dressed bankers, rather than control the issuance of the currencies and credit through their dimly-lit state treasuries, Potter said. As a result, most governments lack the sovereign power to supply their jurisdictions with the right proportion of debt-free currency and interest-free credit to facilitate the creation of resilient, sustainable and peaceful grown-up societies.

It gets worse.

Banks as Tools of Conquest

The rivalrous Dark Wizards and Goblin Bankers all over the world ensure the supply of cash is scarce. “Due to this enforced scarcity, most muggles are restricted from earning enough and they are coerced to borrow from the banking fraternities,” Potter said. “So, muggles toil away without realizing that darkly magical bankers are the great masters of central planning. Hitler would have creamed his Hugo Boss trousers if he’d been able to recruit the worst of them.”

Gringotts Bank, City of London: Knows Who’s Who of Richest in the Magical Realm and Muggle World That Bankers Must Not Name.

Gringotts Bank, City of London: Goblins Know Who’s Who of Richest in the Magical Realm and Muggle World That Bankers Must Not Name.

The Light-working wizard stated the Dark Wizard and Goblin bankers do not actually lend money they have when they brazenly make loans. It turns out that credit is simply magical money conjured into existence out of annoyingly thin air at the time naïve muggle ‘borrowers’ agree to make payments in the future to service the ‘loan’.

Sellers of goods and services bought on credit deposit the credit funds throughout the banking system. These funds get counted as new deposits. Low-level bean-counters, posh auditors and bank fraud units with 1980′s furniture have yet to cotton on to this system-wide swindle, Potter said. “Because they’ve learned their professions by rote-learning, instead of retaining a famously four-year old’s ‘But, why?’ curiosity, they fail to question where the money came from to inflate these massive credit bubbles.”

The sneaky banks use the deposits, “to buy interest-bearing treasury securities, corporate bonds and other financial instruments, like shares” to ‘earn’ easy income off, lamented the wizard-actor. It is upon that base of deposits that banks make new ‘loans’, also conjured into existence out of annoyingly thin air.

“What this means,” explained Potter, “is that the entire hexed Muggle race is forced to compete for the cash that the Dark Wizard and Goblin bankers keep scarce, in order to try to make enough money to pay the ‘loans’ and interest.”

“Because the Dark Capitalist Wizards, Witches and Goblins are so well-connected to their magical insiders working in politics, judiciaries, militaries, royal palaces, academia, ecclesiastical and media institutions, their spells over muggles are tricky to break”, Potter said with a raised eyebrow, indicating he could hardly believe how this brazen dark network of ‘has-beens’ has been able to fool even self-important low-level bean counters. “What’s more, the alliances can be blurred because you get some who empathize with their official enemy because of the universal magic power that jolts even muggles out of their rigidity: love.”

Dark Royalty Blood

We reached Britomart Train Station in downtown Auckland, New Zealand, and stepped into the wall at Platform 3 and One Third. We were now among the hubbub of the magical world in the underground Transcontinental Train Transport station where trains run on time due to the charm, Give-a-Shitus (New Zealand magical slang for caring).

Potter retrieved his wand and with the drying charm, exaresco, he made us dry again. We said goodbye. I saw what I thought was childrens’ purple water-colour paint on the pavement. “Purple paint!” I blurted to escape embarrassment of the fan-girlish feeling that came over me.

Harry followed my gaze and exclaimed, “Wizard blood … or witch blood.”

“I thought witch and wizard blood was red,” I said.

“Not Dark Royalty blood,” said Potter, as we both tracked the purple blood splotches that started where I stood and led to the super-fast magnetic propulsion train, which took only three hours to travel to the opposite side of the planet. “It’s always purple!”

Dark Wizard or Witch Blood? A sign that a wounded Dark Royal boarded the fast train back to London.

Dark Wizard or Witch Blood? A sign that a wounded Dark Royal boarded the fast train back to London.

Potter boarded. “Be careful Harry,” I called. “New Zealand’s darkly magical fraternity can be vile when drunk.”

I could see him following the trail of blood up an aisle, with his wand ready to zap at danger.

Potter swung around and I jumped. He opened a window. “Hermione wrote up notes and a list of references for you to use with the interview,” Potter called out, handing me a notebook with a green owl on the cover.

We both laughed hard. Harry Potter closed the carriage window a moment before the train bolted into the night throwing him hard against a seat.

I realized then that Harry Potter is one of the bravest, big-hearted people I have met. It would be shallow to write-off the risks that Potter takes simply because he is gifted with magical powers. To think that would mean to be suckered into the media persona conjured by J.K. Rowling and Warner Brothers.

Most people of privilege, including middle-class muggles, are too scaredy-cat to investigate the truth behind ‘the news’ themselves.

Whereas, Harry Potter is using his privilege to help zoned-out muggles see that what little freedom they have is in peril and to believe in their own source of magic: intuition, imagination and inquisitiveness.

Not Just Fiction: Wizard Harry Potter slipped away from his day-job at the Ministry of Magic’s Auror Office, the magical agents who apprehend Dark Wizards.

Not Just Fiction: Wizard Harry Potter slipped away from his day-job at the Ministry of Magic’s Auror Office, the magical agents who apprehend Dark Wizards.

As I reached our world headquarters, where our researching elves were busy chatting on Facebook, I wondered what color would be used to depict witches’ blood in tampon and sanitary-pad commercials in the magical realm.

I told some of the elves that Harry Potter had recognized the purple blood of a wizard or witch. The elves, many of whom are studying Public Relations because it is lucrative, easy work to do undercover, stopped Face-booking only to ask if they could post the photos, without hearing the full story. They could get work as journalists anywhere in the world, I thought, especially since many reporters, who regard themselves as ninjas of the internet, no longer leave their desks.

The elves said they did not know what colour witches’ period blood would be depicted in commercials. But, they said it would certainly not be purple. Not with Wizards and male Goblins controlling darkly magical capitalism.

====================

Amazonian-American journalist Sophia Bigg-Storm tried to break the story that World I and World II were conjured by an Anglo-American Brotherhood who conspired to dominate the world by controlling oil and finance, through a system enforced by military aggression, subversion and other intrigues. Bigg-Storm’s investigations were suppressed by her former employer, The National Enquirer, a newspaper that movie critics think is just make-believe because it was depicted in the film Citizen Kane. She was recently gifted Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth on a recent holiday to her ancestral home of Paradise Island, which is driving other reporters mad with envy. SEE: Snoopman News http://snoopman.net.nz

SEE ALSO: Harry Potter’s Suppressed Interview (Edited Transcript) at: http://snoopman.net.nz/?p=1808

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Jay Carney Addresses Sex Change Transformation Rumors


Washington – Outgoing 16 year-old White House press secretary, Jay Carney, has finally admitted his secret sex change transformation from a man to a woman is well underway and that hormone replacement therapy is ongoing.

Carney, who originally had planned to finish high school after leaving the White House, put to rest rumors that he had been living a double life for quite some time. Read the full story

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Hillary Clinton Reveals She Was Original Member of “The Beverly Hillbillies”


New York City – Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton came out of the poor house long enough today, on her current book tour, to confess to the world how hard her life has been. She and former President Clinton were “dead broke.”

Clinton, speaking to Diane Sawyer, revealed for the first time that she and Bill were both members of the real family that The Beverly Hillbillies TV show was based on. Read the full story

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Door Hits Jay Carney 55 Times on the Way Out


Washington, D.C. – 16 year-old former White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, is in the hospital for observation after being beaten up by a door as he left the press briefing room after announcing his resignation.

Carney, who now plans to finish high school and grow a moustache to try to make himself look older, was surprised by the ass-whoopin’ he suffered at the hands of the door, and was thoroughly embarrassed as the event unfolded in front of the laughing, White House press pool. Read the full story

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After a Day of Spinning, Jay Carney Requires Nearly a Pharmacy to Sleep at Night


Washington, D.C. – After an average day of spinning details of current events to make the President look good, no matter how bad the situation, White House spokesman, Jay Carney, needs practically an entire pharmacy to help him sleep at night.

Everybody has their secrets, lies, and half-truths that they wrestle with on a daily basis and many need a sleep aid to help them quiet the mind enough to get a decent night’s sleep. But when you’re knee-deep in your own bullshit every day, you need extra help. Read the full story

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White House Laments Roosevelt Didn’t Have #HitlerSucks in 1940’s, Could Have Shortened War


Washington D.C. – Sixteen year-old White House Spokesman, Jay Carney, commented in today’s presidential press briefing that it was a shame the Roosevelt administration didn’t have the benefit of hashtags in the early days of World War II so they could have tweeted some strongly worded messages that could have stopped the dictator in his tracks and brought the war to a quicker, more peaceful end.

In recent weeks, the hashtag has become the most powerful weapon of the most powerful country in the world when it comes to confronting evil in the modern world. Carney went on to talk about the awesome power of the hashtag and how it could have devastated Hitler. Read the full story

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Malaysian Airliner Wins Gold in 2014’s Hide and Seek Olympic Tournament


Malaysian Airliner MH370 staff and passengers were officially declared 2014’s Hide and Seek gold champions by the International Olympics Committee this week leaving millions pissed that the team did not attempt to break the world record set by Osama Bin Laden back in 2001.

When questioned about the world record, President of the IOC, Thomas Bach, replied, “Never in my life have I seen such dedication set by a group of people such as these Malaysian folks. I have to say that pulling this off for weeks on end without help and only four people dead is a real achievement, but it wasn’t enough for them to become true hall-of-famers.” Read the full story

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White House Claims WMDs Found In Crimea


In a stunning announcement at Wednesday mornings press briefing, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced WMDs have been discovered in the Crimean peninsula.

“The CIA has determined and it has been confirmed through British Intelligence that convoys of Russian trucks are moving into Crimea.

CIA human assets on the ground have since discovered they are filled with weapons of mass destruction.” said Carney.

“President Obama has called for an emergency session of the UN Security Council and is presently conferring with NATO and G7 partners on how to respond to the situation.”

This morning dozens of US and British warships, including one French support vessel, were seen moving into the Black Sea and taking up positions off the coast of Crimea.

Carney continued “The Russians used banned weapons in WWII against the Nazis and if they used them once they may use them again.  President Obama and the American people are resolved that the illegal invasion of a sovereign nation will not go unpunished.  The United States will use any means at our disposal, including the invasion of a sovereign nation,  to insure WMDs are neutralized, international laws upheld and aggressors brought to justice.”

When asked whether the WMDs were chemical or biological  Carney responded “The situation is fluid but at the present time we believe it to be borscht”.

photo credit: U.S. Coast Guard via Photopin, CC

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Dozens Trampled Over Obamacare Holiday Sale


In what is already being called the worst accident since Walmart’s Black ThurFriday Sale, dozens of people were trampled when crowds broke through library barriers trying to take advantage of Obama’s “Buy One Get One Free” holiday health care plan sale.

The holiday deal which runs through the end of December was meant to buoy flagging sales of health insurance plans.

Several witnesses present at the scene were left confused over the rush since the website can be accessed by anyone with a computer and an internet connection. Read the full story

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Forgetful Bush ‘Still Occasionally Turning Up to White House Unannounced’


WASHINGTON D.C. – Sources in Washington D.C. have confirmed that former U.S. President George W. Bush is still forgetfully turning up to the White House unnanounced. He was seen this morning idly walking around the grounds of the White House, apparently forgetful of the fact that he no longer lives there.

Waving to tourists and press photographers, Bush was seen walking his dog Barney around the White House Lawn this morning, just days after several news networks reported that a grey haired Caucasian man was spotted trying to wedge open a window to the Diplomatic Reception Room. Read the full story

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White House Administration consults with Department of UAV secretary Ryan YQM-98A R-Tern


Following a previous filibuster of John Brennan’s nomination to be CIA director, the Obama White House is said to be having closed door meetings with Department of Unmanned Aerial Vehicles secretary and well known developmental reconnaissance drone Ryan YQM-98A R-Tern (also known as Compass Cope R).

President Barack Obama is said to be consulting with Ryan after the administration was asked, “Can you use a drone to kill an American on American soil?” Read the full story

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U.S. considers sending sympathy cards to Syria rebels


The White House is considering sending sympathy cards to Syrian rebels, officials said, but no arrangements have been made.

A decision to supply sympathy cards would indicate a change in the Obama administration, which has resisted repeated requests to expand its concern in the Syrian conflict that has killed more than 70,000 people, mostly civilians.

The administration is also considering supplying chocolates, fruits, and other comforting goodies along with stuffed animals for the Syrian children that are tending to their wounded brothers, sisters, and parents. Read the full story

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Obama under fire for calling Quvenzhane Wallis the C-Word


President Barack Obama joked about a wide variety of subjects on Saturday at the annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner, but has outraged some with the distasteful quip he made about Quvenzhane Wallis, the Academy Award nominated nine-year old ‘Beasts of the Southern Wild’ actress.

Obama began his speech by entering to the rap track “All I Do Is Win” and went on to joke about not being “the strapping young Muslim Socialist” that he used to be.

He followed with “And Quvenzhane Wallis is kind of a c*nt, right?” He then went on to a presentation of shots featuring himself with his wife’s bangs. Read the full story

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