Comedy actor, Kal Penn, announced that he is leaving his gig working for the White House in the Office of Public Engagement to return to television. Some of you will remember Penn from his role on the television series House, others may remember him from the movie Harold and Kumar. However, only one or two of you, up until this story broke, even knew Kumar, err Penn worked in the White House Office of Public Engagement. And fewer still knew he was Obama’s personal Court Jester. Read the full story

As the few remaining Tea Party freshmen and ‘Blue dog’ Democrats who are not embroiled in sex scandals stress their fiscal hawk credentials, some say it was inevitable that Obamacare would eventually feel the heat, and not just due to an untreated infection.

Sources close to the White House say nitpicking certain provisions from the Affordable Health Care Act is nothing but political posturing, while those on the other side of the debate call them obstructionist extremists. Read the full story

The boardgame Risk was the subject of controversy after several hardcore gamers attempted to attack the White House. A statement from the leader of the group before the incident said:

“All of us have played a lot of Risk. We’re really good at it now, and we’re pretty sure that the skills we’ve learned from this game will allow us to conquer the world, provided we can pick which countries we start out with.”

The gamers showed up at the gates of the White House with dice in hand and prepared their assault. One Secret Service agent commented on the attack.

“It was the most confusing thing I’ve ever seen. They were just running around throwing dice.”

The attempted assault lasted 5 minutes, and the gamers were arrested. They are currently awaiting trial, and have been denied further access to board games, with the exception of Sorry.

Thanks to a wet and mild spring in the nation’s capital this year, a bumper crop of medical marijuana is expected in the White House garden. Tommy Chong, chief Japanese gardener, (no relation to that other Tommy Chong) claims the plants have started taking over the entire garden.

“This is the first year we decided to grow cannabis in the herb section of the garden,” says Chong “and it’s taking over the place. We’ve got some plants reaching the 2-foot height already and this is only May. Read the full story

Pumpkin Place, Ohio (GlossyNews) —The poop on politics from Norbert B. Snortwhistle.

The iconic Crayola crayon company announced it will introduce a new crayon color, “John Boehner Orange,” based on what it calls the “distinctive, even unique, hues and shades” of the House Speaker’s perpetual tan.

Sources say the new Boehner-inspired color is a carefully crafted mixture of Crayola’s classic Burnt Orange and its newer Neon Carrot and Mango Tango hues. Read the full story

WASHINGTON, D.C. – It is the first week of February, and for Michelle Obama, this means it is time to start planning the White House organic garden. While the garden will again contain a variety of fruits and vegetables as well as a few ornamental flowers, a new addition is sure to create the most controversy ever.

(Read more about the Medical Marijuana debate here.)

The White House organic garden will include several varieties of medical marijuana. Read the full story

Washington, DC – 52 year old Robert Freed was blind-sided today when he walked into work and found a pink slip taped to his locker. After 23 years as an assemblyman at the GM truck plant in Dearborn Michigan, he never expected to be the last man left working in America, and now, finally, the last man laid off. Read the full story

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — GlossyNews: Born June 24, 1952 to German cartoonist parent R. Beuthien, Barbara Millicent Roberts, then known affectionately as Lilli, was post-war, sassy and ambitious and had no reservations talking about sex.

In 1959 Lilli, now a confirmed child protegé, emigrated to the US at the invitation of the Mattel Corporation in New York City where she would soon become the feminine figurehead for the company. Read the full story

PINES RETREAT, Illinois(GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with norbert b. snortwhistle. In the latest high profile defection from the Obama administration, President Obama announced he will leave the administration early next year to return to community organizing and perhaps author another book.

The Nobel Prize winning diplomat, world leader and author is expected to make good use of his new found free time. Read the full story

Washington, D.C. (GlossyNews) -– Fur continues to fly over what some claim are very divisive comments by White House reporter Helen Thomas regarding Israel’s presence in Palestine. While Helen has apologized to everyone regarding the flap, the issue is just not going away and now she is losing speaking engagements because of it. Thomas is reportedly blaming a certain satire site for the insensitive comments made on video. Read the full story

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — “Clueless Joe,” as they are calling him these days, seems to be losing touch with reality bit by bit each day, as he wanders through the White House talking to no one in particular and asking the maid if she needs any help. Seems Mr. Biden is finding it hard to keep himself busy as vice-president.

And the latest word from the staff is that Joe has no idea how unnerving it is for people to go past the first floor bathroom near the kitchen and see him sitting on the throne, reading the latest press releases and whistling a tune. Read the full story

10. The couple showed up in O.J. Simpson’s 1994 white Ford Bronco.
9. A Secret Service agent read her “Tweet” that read “I told you I could breach White House security.”
8. When she met President Obama she tried to reenact “Forest Gump” by saying, “I have to pee.” Read the full story

WASHINGTON – By now everyone has seen the news on the Virginia couple, Michaele and Tareq Salahi, who slipped into the White House state dinner on Tuesday night.

The Secret Service learned about the incident on Wednesday after media inquiries about the couple prompted an investigation. Upon investigating, government authorities learned that the couple was not on the guest list, but yet somehow made it pass the Secret Service checkpoints. To add insult to injury, the couple had their photograph taken with President Obama. Read the full story

US Secret Service agents today refused to be interviewed by Jacko McScrunt, – the Scallies and Yobs page columnist for the International Daily Shitraker – who was investigating reports that a couple of scumbag social climbers trespassed last night’s state dinner at the White House – with the SS office simply issuing the singular dismissive statement that the matter was ‘secret’. Read the full story

WASHINGTON D.C.- Known terrorist Ahmed Aafiya Sadeed has filed a law suit against the United States Government, claiming the White House to be an unsafe work environment. The law suit arose after Ahmed Aafiya Sadeed was injured falling off of the White House roof, which he claimed was, “Terribly difficult to climb, especially with bombs all over you.” Read the full story