Tag Archive | "Trump"

FIRE AND FURY – INSIDE THE TRUMP EARLY YEARS


Unless you’re in a coma – or your name is Baron Trump – you’ve no doubt heard about Michael Wolff’s bombshell tell-all book, FIRE AND FURY – INSIDE THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE. On its release day, F&F sold out in less time than it takes Donald to tweet “CNN is Fake News.”

What you may not know is that I, too, have been hard at work writing a Trump exposé. Mine is called FIRE AND FURY – INSIDE THE TRUMP EARLY YEARS. If the title sounds vaguely familiar, that’s because Wolff copied me.

My book describes a rich, entitled, angry, unstable, vindictive, erratic, undisciplined, lazy young child who hated to read. Thankfully for America’s sake, he eventually grew out of these ugly, infantile behaviors to become a normal, high-functioning adult.

I interviewed dozens of childhood acquaintances, including teachers, classmates, and even his high school baseball coach. They paint a shocking picture of a deeply insecure child with a penchant for bullying, telling lies and bragging about his pee-pee size – and that’s all while he was still in the womb.

Here is a sneak peek at the unsettling world of America’s 45th president several decades before he single-handedly (with a little help from Putin) decided to Make America Great Again.

Donald John Trump was born in 1946 in Queens, New York City, the fourth of five children of Frederick and Mary MacLeod Trump. He came from humble beginnings, by which I mean his father was not yet a double-digit millionaire.

When Donald was barely six years old, he mastered his first bicycle without training wheels. He boldly proclaimed to his father that no child in the history of the world had ridden without training wheels earlier than him. His dad didn’t dare tell little Donnie that tricycles didn’t come with training wheels.

At age eight, Donald had difficulty making friends. Later in life he would overcome this affliction by amassing enough wealth simply to buy them. He conquered his childhood insecurities by becoming a master deal maker. He had half the third grade on his payroll doing his homework while he watched Captain Kangaroo, clinging to his blankie. If his minions scored him an A, he’d pay them in candy he’d “borrowed” from the neighborhood grocery store. Over time, kids started complaining he wasn’t paying them the candy they were owed. But Donald knew that these kids were all liars and had done a sloppy job on his homework, so he had a right to stiff them.

By the time he was ten, Donald’s confidence had grown exponentially. “He was extremely competitive with the other boys,” recalled his 5th grade teacher, Lucille Patterson. “He would say things like “’My pencil is longer than your pencil’ or ‘My chalk is larger than your chalk’ or ‘My button is bigger than your button.’ I could never figure out what that was all about,” she sighed.

When Donald was eleven, he started noticing girls. Sue Ellen Moraski, his babysitter at the time, recalled one evening when he tried to grope her, and she pushed him away. “I told Donnie, ‘Stop that! Polite boys don’t touch girls without asking.’ I still remember his bizarre response: ‘Someday I’m going to be rich and famous. Then I can do anything I want with girls. And by the way – YOU’RE FIRED!’” she laughed nervously.

In middle school, his mind boggled at his superior intellect vis-à-vis his teachers. His 7th grade math teacher, Bert Connolly, recalled the day Donald flunked a quiz. “Donald’s belief in himself was exceptional. He strode up after class and argued vociferously that my answer key had to be wrong. He called it a fake key because it didn’t match the answers his classmate had given him. He insisted that 63 divided by 7 equaled 14. I politely suggested he pursue a career that did not involve numbers. He reported me to the principal. I haven’t worked in the field since.”

Fred and Mary felt compelled to send their son to a military boarding school. “My little boy has turned into an argumentative, verbally abusive, totally undisciplined adolescent – and his grades have tanked!” wrote Mrs. Trump in her diary. Trump has disputed these claims, deriding his parents as senile, and stating that in reality he asked to be sent to military school, so he could begin his training for his eventual job as Commander-in-Chief.

One thing Donald did have going for him was a knack for names. According to Ezra Ornstein, a classmate at the Wharton School, “He loved to come up with colorful nicknames for anybody he didn’t like. There was Ugly Amy, Dummy Danny and Tubby Tony. He called me Chewy Jewie Ezra. I gotta admit, he nailed me, as technically I am Jewish, and I do like to eat.”

Those who knew him universally described the young Donald as “a bully”, “manipulative”, “volatile”, “vindictive”, “angry” and “a moron.” And those were the people he thought were his friends. But Donald will be the first person to tell you he’s nothing like this as an adult.

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Strange Man Shoots Innocent Bystander In The Middle Of 5th Avenue In New York And Gets Away With It.


A man stood brazenly in the middle of 5th Venue yesterday and shot someone dead.

And got away with it.

To most eyes it was just another homicide in a city inured to violence. However, it had a few different twists than your usual murder. Read the full story

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Confused Democrats Claim ‘Trump Boom’ is Actually Teddy Roosevelt’s Creation


Is the Trump Boom actually a thing?

Or is it just fake news?

It turns out that the Trump boom is not all it seems. Read the full story

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Fake News or Funny News? The Weirdest Headlines of the Weekend! (1/2)


You can always trust Glossy News to be the funniest peddlers of mirth of all, in the entire
DISHONEST FAKE NEWS MEDIA
As a certain person calls it!
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Turkey Pardons Donald Trump For Being A Turkey At Thanksgiving.


In an unusual turnaround at the annual Turkey Pardoning festivity at the White House, the turkey itself made a speech. The 48 pound white turkey Drumstick unexpectedly hopped up to the mike, cleared his throat and said: Read the full story

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Leftists Look Forward to “Constructive Dialogue with Idiotic Trump Supporters”


WASHINGTON – “Trump is Putin’s bitch,” read several signs in the crowd. Read the full story

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Turning Their Guns Into Plowshares


In a surprising and eloquent speech before the media today President Select Trump offered new and unexpected opinions on the horrific mass shooting that shocked Texas and the world on Sunday. Read the full story

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Trump Shocker: “Won’t Sign on for Second Season Playing the President”


President Donald Trump announced today that he would not “sign on for a second season playing the President.” Trump admitted that the role of U.S. President was more challenging than he had ever imagined, and his previous acting experience had not fully prepared him for the part. Read the full story

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Obama Urges Americans to Stage ‘Democratic Coup’ & ‘Liberal Revolution’ Against Trump


Former President Barack Obama has recently ridden on the coat tails of the Sanders and Ron Paul Revolutions, and advocated a ‘Democratic Coup’ in the United States. Read the full story

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A Very Scary Fairy Tale – The Dangerous TRUMP Monster


Tim Jones: Hey kids. Wanna hear a bedtime story?

Several young children: Yes, Mr. Tim! Please tell us a story!

Tim: Okay, but I should warn you. It’s a scary tale!

Johnny (age 9): I love scary stories, Mr. Tim!

Tim: Well, if you insist. But this is a very, VERY scary story!

Kevin (age 8): You can’t scare me, Mr. Tim!

Tim: We’ll see about that, Kevin.

Once upon a time there lived a mean and angry ogre called the TRUMP. The TRUMP was YUGE. He had an ugly orange face, like the scariest Jack-o’-lantern you’ve ever seen. His hair was made of golden straw. He lived in a fancy palace built of gold. And every few years, when the TRUMP tired of his latest wife slave, he would trade her in for a younger, prettier mail-order bride.

The TRUMP was feared by all. If anyone dared speak ill of him, his orange face would turn red and his straw hair would stand on end and he would threaten to destroy them – or worse, sue them for all the pennies in their piggy bank. Oh, he was a very mean ogre!

The TRUMP hungered for fame and power and palaces. So, one day, he declared he wanted to become ruler over the entire kingdom. He told the simple folk that their lives were miserable and that ONLY HE could make them happy again. They believed him – especially the ones living in the red villages.

The peasants gathered throughout the land in record-breaking crowds, wearing his red cap, chanting his name and singing his praises. The TRUMP grew wild with power. He spread lies to incite his followers into hating foreigners and he warned them only to watch Fox News. Before long, all the simple folk believed that the TRUMP would MAKE THE KINGDOM GREAT AGAIN and they chose him to become their ruler.

On the day the TRUMP took the throne, little did the simple folk know that the only creature he cared about was himself. He insisted that his servants only tell him good news about how his subjects loved him. And he banished anyone who questioned his wisdom, with these frightful words: YOU’RE FIRED!

Every morning before sunrise, the new king issued decrees about how wise he was and how much the people loved him, and how Meryl Streep was overrated. These pronouncements became known as “tweets.” With these tweets, the TRUMP tried to control the minds of the simple folk.

But the TRUMP was not clever enough to do this all on his own. Lurking in the shadows was his trusted henchman, Sir Steve, the Bannoned One, who whispered evil plots in his ear as he watched TV.

One day, the TRUMP, fearing a revolt from within his palace, fired the Bannoned one. Without Sir Steve’s evil genius to guide him, the TRUMP’s tweets made him sound more like a bird-brain.

It soon became clear to many that the TRUMP had no idea how to rule over his enormous kingdom. He refused to let thousands of war-torn, starving refugees enter the walls of his kingdom, simply because they believed in the wrong God (namely, not him).

His angry speeches began to divide the kingdom’s people against one another: black against white, rich against poor, people with brains against idiots. One day, hundreds of angry white TRUMP adorers carrying tiki torches marched, chanting, “Jews out! Blacks out!” This pleased the TRUMP greatly, and he went on TV to proclaim there were many fine people among this group. Then he told of his plans to build a beautiful YUGE wall around the kingdom to keep out all the bad people.

Rumors spread that the TRUMP didn’t read. One very brave critic even called him a MORON! His servants worried about his sanity. Worse yet, suspicions arose that the TRUMP and his minions had plotted with the kingdom’s greatest enemy, a faraway land called Russia, to help put him on the throne. Together it seems they had spread nasty stories about the King’s nemesis, Crooked Princess Hillary, in the fabled Book of Faces.

Courageous souls started to investigate his odd and nefarious dealings with Russia’s evil King Vladimir. This made the TRUMP so mad that he stomped his feet and pounded his tiny fists. He fired those who tried to uncover his dastardly dealings. But others arose, who asked even more questions about the TRUMP’s treachery.

The TRUMP suspected betrayal everywhere he looked. He even turned against the allies of his kingdom. When they asked TRUMP to join all the other countries to save the world’s air and water, he turned his back on them, laughing, “Not my problem!” Then a hurricane destroyed all the villages on the kingdom’s beautiful island called Puerto Rico. But because these subjects had brown skin and spoke a language the TRUMP didn’t understand, he ignored their cries for help and instead played golf. What a selfish king.

Then one day, the ruler of the rival kingdom of North Korea called the TRUMP a “frightened dog.” This made the TRUMP so furious that he barked and threatened to nuke his rival’s kingdom.

Meagan (age 6): My mommy nukes stuff all the time in the microwave. Is she a bad person too, Mr. Tim?

Tim: No, no. That’s a good kind of nuke. Anyway, The TRUMP became more and more enraged, issuing even angrier tweet proclamations and calling any criticism of his greatness FAKE NEWS.

Then the TRUMP announced he would change the way his subjects were taxed, promising them refunds beyond their wildest dreams. Little did they know that he was lying to them, planning to make himself and his wealthy backers even wealthier than ever, while the rest of his subjects became even poorer – and had their healthcare stolen from them.

People heard about these evil plans and began to plead for their futures. But, once again the TRUMP ignored their pleas, choosing instead to watch himself on TV and making Fox and Friends his BFF – because they said he was an awesome ruler.

Then he declared –

Kevin (age 8): STOP, MR. TIM. PLEASE STOP!!! This is just too scary. The TRUMP Monster sounds horrible. How could you tell us such a terrible, scary story? You’re going to give me nightmares!

Tim: I hear ya’, little buddy. It gives me nightmares all the time. Want me to read something a little cheerier? How about The Little Mermaid?

Vicky (age 6): Yippee! I love mermaids!

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