Tag Archive | "trump"

Casino King Donald Trump Would Ban Online Casinos as President for ‘Not Being Classy Enough’


Millionaire Donald J. Trump may have come from humble beginnings as the son of a wealthy real estate tycoon, but he made his name as a brash and powerful casino magnate. But if there’s one thing he can’t abide, especially as president, it’s anyone else cutting into what he consider his business.

At a rally held in a California middle school gymnasium, he told the crowd of awestruck students that, “Casinos are supposed to be classy, am I right? I’m right folks, you know that, everybody does. But how can something be classy if it’s on the internet? That makes no sense.”

The press corps was made up entirely of bloggers from Breitbart, National Review Online, FrontPage and a single student from the school newspaper who managed to avoid having his phone confiscated before entering the almost-entirely empty multi-purpose room where lunch is also served, in this instance at the same time.

“Casinos are a place where you go to have a great time. You’ll learn about that,” said the presidential hopeful. “Ask your parents, they’ll tell you about it, it’s fantastic.”

Trump is well known for building what he calls, “the biggest, grandest, classiest casinos, they’re truly terrific, you wouldn’t even believe it, believe me,” adding, “No, I’m serious, ask anyone. Well, high-rollers. Ask high-rollers and they’ll tell you what a real casino is supposed to be like, it’s superlative.”

When a reporter later asked to clarify if he actually meant “superlative” or if he was just intending to use on at that point, he was grabbed by the neck by security, escorted off the premises and arrested for transporting home-grown tree fruit into California without declaring it. No charges have been filed.

When reached for comment, a spokesman for industry leader Casino Pokies Online said only that he doesn’t know what we’re talking about, who we are, that he “doesn’t have time for this,” and added that, no, I may not quote him. Advice I promised to consider, but not heed.

The aspirational leader of the free world explained to teachers and athletic directors present that “online casinos don’t have showgirls, they don’t have complimentary drinks or show tickets to Gallagher, The Rockettes, or Amy Schumer’s sister. Whatever her name is, people say she’s great, I hear it all the time.”

Industry experts have suggested that the real reason Donald Trump would ban online casinos is that, since he’s perpetually teetering on the brink of bankruptcy, this could push him over that cliff yet again, and that insolvency prior to the election could increase his chances of “getting his ass whupped by a girl.”

Others have suggested that since online gaming is more fun and more accessible than going to an inconvenient and needlessly expensive casino, people might choose to skip his silly monuments to man’s hubris altogether.

Jerry Fenson, a welder from Poughkeepsie, New York, explained that, “When I play from home, I can actually win. If I have to pay to go to one of his casinos, I have to win a thousand dollars just to break even after the cost of the room and travel. It’s literally impossible to beat the house in Atlantic City, and that’s assuming I don’t get mugged outside, which is a very big assumption.”

Donald Trump expects to give his acceptance speech on November 8th in a private ceremony to his closest friends and family members shortly after delivering his official concession speech.

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Official Letters Confirm Trump is Ready to Become the Most Amazing President Ever


The Trump Campaign just announced it will be releasing scores of official letters from experts attesting to the fact Donald Trump is fully prepared to be the most incredibly qualified person to run for the American presidency in over 500 years. Below is a partial sampling of the letters the campaign released today.

On Donald Trump’s Health and Fitness

I’ve thoroughly reviewed Donald J. Trump’s medical history, by which I mean I saw him recently on the Doctor Oz show. And I can confirm without hesitation that Mr. Trump is in excellent health. He’s in way better shape than Martin Van Buren or Chester A. Arthur were when they were president. And his hair color is totally natural.

If you ask me, Donald Trump is without a doubt the most physically fit, emotionally stable human being ever to run for any elected office in any nation, not to mention he is incredibly well-endowed “in that department” – no problems there. (Mr. Trump, did I cover all the points you wanted me to in this letter?)

Dr. Derek Shepherd (AKA Doctor McDreamy)
Chief of Neuro-surgery
Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital (on the hit ABC TV show, Grey’s Anatomy)

Trump letters- Col SandersOn Donald Trump’s readiness to become Commander-in-Chief

Oh sure, I passed away 36 years ago, but I met the Donald once, and from that brief encounter, let me tell you, he’s fully prepared to be our next Commander-in-Chief. People called me “Colonel,” and rightfully so. I was really good at Battleship. So as a military expert, I’m confident Mr. Trump would be a great commander, whether the board game was Stratego or Checkers.

I’m convinced Donald Trump has the right temperament to have access to the nuclear launch codes. That said, I don’t have a clue what the phrase “nuclear launch codes” actually means. But I do know he likes to eat KFC, so this Colonel is ready to give him a patriotic salute.

Colonel Harland Sanders
Deceased Commander-in-Chief
Kentucky Fried Chicken

Trump letters- Bernie MadoffOn the issue of disclosing Donald Trump’s tax returns

People are getting all bent out of shape over Mr. Trump’s tax returns. I say, what’s the big deal? I keep reading crazy claims like “He must be hiding something” and “He probably hasn’t paid taxes in 25 years” and “He seems to owe a lot to foreign governments like China and Russia.” All I have to say is, hey, can you believe the weather we’ve been having lately?

I’m sure Trump will eventually release his tax returns – sometime after his death. I’d vote for Trump in a heartbeat – if he’d just grant me parole so I could get back in the game like him.

Bernie Madoff
Former CEO
Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC
Currently Federal Prison Inmate #61727-054

Trump letters- Queen ElizabethOn Trump’s qualifications to fight for the working class

Hello, America. This is your rightful Queen here. My word, what is all this ruckus across the pond over this Trump fellow? I assure you, when it comes to defrauding, er, I mean defending you commoners, Donald Trump will do a smashing job. Recently, at a black-tie fundraising dinner for his newest exclusive Scottish golf resort, I saw Mr. Trump take several extra helpings of tiramisu from the dessert table to bring back for his chauffeur. Or was it his valet? He’s ever so thoughtful of people he knows are beneath him.

Mr. Trump has always surrounded himself with working class people. Who do you think he hires as maids at all his posh resorts? That’s right – his close Mexican friends – some of whom he’s been known to pay almost minimum wage. Mr. Trump will do everything in his power to defend the needs of the working class, so long as they are the part of the working class making over $800,000 a year.

Queen Elizabeth II
Queen of the United Kingdom and Head of the British Commonwealth of Nations

Trump letters- Miss UniverseOn Trump’s special relationship with women

I don’t know why some people say Donald Trump is a mysoganost – oh, I can never pronounce that fancy word. He loves the ladies, especially us pretty girls with nice curves. I met Mr. Trump when he hosted the 2012 Miss Universe pageant. Such a gentleman. He took me out to dinner after I was crowned and even offered to show me his private hotel suite – until he realized Mrs. Trump might be there, that is.

Girls, if you don’t like Mr. Trump, then you don’t know him like I do. As long as you have less than 5% body fat, are beautiful, and not too smart, he’ll take good care of you. I love the diamond bracelet he bought me. I told him he shouldn’t have. He said, “Don’t worry, babe, I just used money given by a Trump Foundation donor. They won’t miss it.” See, he’s so smart. I would vote for him even if he wasn’t subsidizing the rent on my Manhattan high-rise.

Olivia Culpo
Miss Universe 2012

In coming days, the Trump campaign plans to release letters from several more experts, including testimonials from naval military expert Captain Crunch and international relations expert Count Chocula. They plan to release a glowing testimonial from an African American supporter, just as soon as they can locate one.

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4K Glossy News Podcast 060 (9-12-16)


The 4K/UHD podcast is back again. All of this is available in UHD on YouTube by searching “Glossy Podcast” or as an MP3 on iTunes by searching “Glossy News”.

Here are just some of the topics covered in the the September 12th, 2016 edition.

* How you can fix your whole damn life just by investing $50 in the well-established “sock” market… of socks… for your feet. Trust me, you’ll love me for this one.

* The most unbelievable mini-golf tournament was recently held in Riverside, California, and we were there to capture some of the players in some, nay, ALL, of their glory.

* 7 Ways to Make College Work again. Pretty self-explanatory, but I cover costs, minimizing costs, fixing the balooning student debt crisis and how to just, you know, make the whole thing work for everyone forever… Pretty basic stuff, really.

* Explanation of why the podcast is shorter, and a few quick teasers for things to come… Spoiler alert, it’s because I’m going back to the videos for which I’m actually well known and (in)famous. I haven’t had Jason V. Jones, Justyn Confer, Ty the Voice Guy Anderson or any of the others handy. It’s fine, it’s fine.

* Special contest/gift offer for my listeners/vierwers in California.

* The polls are tightening, but that doesn’t exactly mean it’s time to freak out. What DOES it mean? Will Trump definitely win? Is Clinton done for? Watch and listen for the updated analysis.

* Fun extra bonus segment from Roy Zimmerman from his Seattle concert this summer. Just a song about the Hubble Telescope, and it’s just plain awesome.

Listen to it



Or you can download it by right-clicking and selecting “save as” right here. It’s also available on iTunes.

Watch it on YouTube



Follow me around the web:

iTunes (or search “Glossy News”)
Facebook.com/4KPodcast
Twitter – @4KPodcast
YouTube.com/glossynews
GlossyNews.com/podcast

Segment bumpers and background music by Greg the Hero Facebook.com/gregtheheromusic. Royalty Free Music “Your Call” and “Funkorama” by Kevin MacLeod — Incompetech.com.

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Breaking News: Obama Caused World War II, According to Trump


[Author’s Note: Tim Jones of the news website Glossy News, in an exclusive interview with Donald Trump, asked the presidential candidate to clarify his claim that President Obama was the “Founder of Isis.” Below is an excerpt from this revealing interview].

Trump interview - one on one - GNTim Jones / Glossy News: Mr. Trump, thank you for agreeing to meet with me today.

Donald Trump: Hey, you look familiar. Didn’t I throw you out of one of my rallies?

Glossy News: Um, I think you have me mistaken for someone else. Last week you said Obama was the Founder of Isis, and yet – Read the full story

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Genetic history mapped: Trump full of Neanderthal DNA


Recently, scientists at the Howard Hughes Medical Institute at Harvard Medical School have analyzed DNA from prehistory, to discover large population shifts ranging from 45,000-7,000 years ago. Scientist David Reich concluded that these changes in prehistoric human populations directly correlate to the last Ice Age, which enabled prehistoric human migration to much of the northern world. And remnants of that ancient world can still be observed today. Read the full story

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4K Glossy News Podcast 034 (3-14-16) St. Paddy’s Day Edition


The first fully 4K/UHD podcast with live music, tons of graphics and citations and and a length we haven’t seen in weeks. This podcast has it all.

All of this is available in UHD on YouTube by searching “Glossy Podcast” or as an MP3 on iTunes by searching “Glossy News”.

Here are the topics covered in the the March 14th, 2016 4K/UHD podcast.

* Why the death penalty needs to be re-thought, and the one true way to do it properly, if we’re not going to abolish it. Spoiler alert, Mythbusters are cited in this idea.

* Four ways to get cheap shoes for kids are shared, but the one you never thought of ranks at #1. It was right in front of you the whole time.

* Car commercials are unimaginative and frankly pretty ridiculous. They show dangerous cars. Why the hell would anyone want that?

* A live performance of “What will we do with the drunken sailor?” with a guitar and two mandolins, as part of our exclusive Saint Patrick’s Day coverage.

* Some say Republicans will win in a landslide in November. They are wrong, but perhaps they don’t realize exactly how ludicrous this is. As things stand now, the Dems will win the white house in November regardless of whom it is on either side. Here’s why.

* The true story of when I went into a Thai business expecting to just do normal business, only to find it was a bit of an unsavory place, and how they treated me when I tried desperately to say no.

* A bonus Saint Paddy’s day song (Black Velvet Band) performed live.

Listen to it



Or you can download it by right-clicking and selecting “save as” right here. It’s also available on iTunes.

Watch it on YouTube



Follow me around the web:

iTunes (or search “Glossy News”)
Facebook.com/4KPodcast
Twitter – @4KPodcast
Reddit.com/r/GlossyPodcast
YouTube.com/glossynews
GlossyNews.com/podcast

Segment bumpers and background music by Greg the Hero Facebook.com/gregtheheromusic. Royalty Free Music “Your Call” and “Funkorama” by Kevin MacLeod — Incompetech.com.

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4K Glossy News Podcast 033 (3-7-16)


After the burglary, find out the future of the podcast. Did insurance cover the loss? Was there a second break-in attempt? Will the podcast limp along or come back better than ever?

All of this is available in UHD on YouTube by searching “Glossy Podcast” or as an MP3 on iTunes by searching “Glossy News”.

Here are the topics covered in the the March 7th, 2016 4K/UHD podcast. Read the full story

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2016 Presidential Bumper Stickers For The Rest Of Us.


PLEASE – JUST HOLD THE ELECTION NOW AND GET IT OVER WITH! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE!


Did anyone else notice that we ultimately are allowed only two choices?


I turned on the TV and thought it was a beauty pageant until I saw Bernie.


Do I really have to wait until after November before I get my regular TV programming back?


Personally, I want Angela Merkel to run. Read the full story

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Trump Riled He’s Not on Anon’s KKK List


Presidential hopeful and media prostitute Donald Trump took to Twitter Thursday evening, erupting at not being included in the Hacktivist organization Anonymous’ KKK list.

The billionaire Trump, whose campaign has revolved around deporting over 11 million illegal aliens if he’s elected President, insisted that he was deliberately omitted from the list in an attempt by Anonymous to attack his character. Read the full story

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Same Sex Jail Romance Leads to Kentucky Clerk’s Change of Heart


Kentucky Clerk Kim Davis, who refused to issue gay marriage licenses and was taken into federal custody for contempt of court, has posted bond and been released after having a change of heart in jail.

After experiencing what she called a quasi-religious experience with her female cell mate, Davis returned to her job, her cheeks flushed and a smile spread across her formerly dumpy disposition. Read the full story

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Obama Renames Mount McKinley “Caitlyn”


President Obama announced this Sunday that he is officially changing the name of Mount McKinley in Alaska, to Caitlyn, via his 1, 079th executive order since taking office in 2009.

The mountain formally known as McKinley, at 20,320 feet, is the tallest in North America, and has been referred to in the feminine by Alaskans for years. Caitlyn is an Athabascan word that means, “the highest mountain without a peak.” Read the full story

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Trump to Open Chain of Children’s Casinos


Free-market capitalist and cranial gopher rescue haven Donald Trump has announced this week that he’ll open a new line of casinos aimed squarely at the children’s market.

Many see this as a provocative, or even illegal move, but since all planned locations will be on floating river barges or tribal land, and they plan to file as 501(c)(4) “social welfare organizations,” they are expected to avoid legal scrutiny. Read the full story

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Liberals Demand Trump Produce Birth Certificate to Prove He’s Not a Space Alien


An independent group of concerned citizens is demanding that Donald Trump make his birth certificate public to prove that he is not really a space alien from another planet.

Concerns from the United Citizens Group For Raising A Fuss has been voicing doubts about the mega-billionaire, saying that Trump continually exhibits signs that he is not really from planet Earth.

The United Citizens Group For Raising A Fuss (which I am going to do us a favor and call the UCGFRAF from now on to save us all eyestrain) cites the non-human hair follicles that Mr. Trump sports on top of his head as proof, and suspect that this is the actual alien and that the rest of the body is just a humanoid mock-up to make him fit in better with the rest of us. Read the full story

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Trump to Host Romney Bacon-Wrapped Foie Gras Dinner Fundraiser


TRUMP TOWER, NYC —GlossyNews The final logistics for “Trump’s Huge Gourmet Dinner to Fund Gov. Romney” have been released. The Donald announced that “on landing at Kennedy the fortunate attendees – the chosen folk – will receive free post-flight ground transportation in the Trump vehicle, a personal guided tour and overnight stay at the Trump International Hotel & Tower and have a gourmet dinner with me, Donald Trump. And Mitt, of course. How could I ever forget Mitt? I’m hosting his fundraiser dinner! Read the full story

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Trump Killed By Mob; Resurrected By Satan


Enraged at Donald Trump’s failed political career, scores of angry investors screwed out of millions in campaign dollars converged on Trump’s limo outside a district court, pulled him from the vehicle and strangled him to death with his own comb-over. Read the full story

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Mutant 2nd Graders – A Terrifying, Formidable Force


The New York Stock Exchange rose 3,000 points yesterday when news finally reached the floor of mutant second graders taking charge of financial interests in this country.

Investment adviser, William Buffington III was reported hiding in a restroom stall, quivering while stammering, “The little brat just walked up and took my keyboard. I tried to stop him but he threatened me with a windshield wiper blade.” Read the full story

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