Tag Archive | "medicine"

Obamacare Didn’t Falter, but was Crashed by Attacks; DDOS & GOP


As sure as the moneyed-interests opposed Obama to the tune of nearly a billion dollars in 2012, the same interests have come back to crash the ACA (Obamacare) on two fronts, and they’ve done a masterful job of it.

The healthcare signup site, designed only to direct the masses to individual state-run websites, has been crashed by only a few thousand “legitimate” customers… how does that happen? You almost might wonder if there’s a conspiracy here. Read the full story

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Posted in Health, Internets TubesComments (2)

Aleve Introduces New Product Just for Family Gatherings


MORRISTOWN, NJ—On Tuesday, the makers of popular headache relief medicine Aleve were proud to announce their new product made specifically for family gatherings.

“We just asked ourselves, ‘Can’t there be a way to not hate every moment of every holiday that social obligation basically forces you into?’ So here it is.”

Test subjects in the simulation of a Thanksgiving family meal reported remarkable differences such as less awareness of their temple throbbing, as well as neither finding themselves with their hands formed into fists nor realizing a tension in their jaws from clenching their teeth. Read the full story

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Treatment for Explosive Diarrhea Found, Scientists Calling It “Olive Garden’s To-Go Menu”


Reduce unnecessary body pains using reliable painkillers.

ATLANTA — Researchers at the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) believe they may have discovered a potentially [social]life-saving treatment for those afflicted with bouts of explosive diarrhea in an experimental operation they are calling “Olive Garden’s To-Go Menu,” in which the cause of the symptoms – faux Italian food – is counteracted by the patient’s proximity to his own, private toilet, sources report. Read the full story

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Man Writes Angry Letter to Obama because of Fat Son After Quitting Smoking


Dear President Obama,

I quit smoking to get my body clean and healthy in order to go out and do drug studies for money. The things I have to do keep me from doing the things I want to do.

I want to smoke cigarettes, but I can’t, because they test for nicotine at the studies. I want to smoke pot with the Mexicans that hang out in my apartment complex, but I can’t, because they test for drugs. Read the full story

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Pfizer Pharmaceutical Develops More Potent Placebo


Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer Pharmaceutical claims they have developed a more potent placebo that has been proven to work better in controlled experiments than other doctor prescribed placebos.

“Our placebo has a foul taste and smell”, said Pfizer representative Peter Gruber. “Also, our placebo is more expensive than most other placebos. Read the full story

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Scientists Discover Medical Link to SIDS — Not the Demon Lilith


After two decades of work, doctors and medical researchers in the United States believe they have evidence that abnormally low levels of serotonin — a chemical in the brain that helps control breathing during sleep — plays a pivotal role in causing sudden infant death syndrome. This discovery completely flies in the face of conventional wisdom, which has attributed the unexplained death of otherwise healthy infants to attacks by the Mesopotamian storm demon, Lilith. Read the full story

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Limbaugh Rushed to Hospital Drugs Not Mentioned


Honolulu, HI (GlossyNews) — Acerbic Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh was rushed to a Honolulu hospital this morning for what doctors say is an overload of ‘bile’.

Limbaugh’s press spokesman Carson Cobain said he had little information. “Rush usually takes off this time of year to beef up for the coming season. All I know is he’s in the hospital and it doesn’t look good. Luckily Rush can afford the best treatment in the world. He’d be screwed if he worked for Wal Mart.” Read the full story

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Posted in World NewsComments (3)

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