Cardiology surgery

God cursed me with a heart condition. I have a good idea why, but if I tell you, I’ll have to kill myself. One dreadful symptom is shortness of breath (SOB). That and an adverse echocardiogram led my cardiologist to perform a heart catherization. He placed the stent in a fat little cardiac artery and I went home the following day.

The next day, however, SOB returned brimming with hate to squeeze my thorax with icy indifference. My entire life flashed by straight to the video bin.

Hallelujah! I am home now breathing easily. The problem stemmed from before the stent procedure. They insisted they had to test my kidney function. I pointed to a cup filled with my body fluid as evidence of excellent kidney function. They smiled grimly and said nothing.

The test came back: my kidneys were poisoned with creatinine. I immediately fainted. After coming to, I sobbed uncontrollably as I scratched out my will on a post-it note. The nurses took turns slapping me until I settled down, except for one nurse who kept thrashing me for an additional five minutes.

Excess creatinine meant pumping water in my body to counteract the dye they planned to inject into my veins to make my blood look all pretty and everything.

“Preposterous!” I cried. “This contradicts 4000 years of medical science.” The Slapping Nurse approached me menacingly and I said, “May I at least choose the color?”

In the end, the idiots pumped too much water into my sacred meat house thereby causing SOB. “S’wounds!” I shrieked. “I shall sue the skin off all of you!”

They threatened to counter-sue because I had behaved like a horse’s ass. “In that case”, I said. Nurses shoved water pills down my throat triggering the “Niagara Falls effect.” After a few hours the water cleared out. I was SAVED! God is not through with me yet!

Author: Mark Wilt