Tag Archive | "gambling"

Casino King Donald Trump Would Ban Online Casinos as President for ‘Not Being Classy Enough’

Millionaire Donald J. Trump may have come from humble beginnings as the son of a wealthy real estate tycoon, but he made his name as a brash and powerful casino magnate. But if there’s one thing he can’t abide, especially as president, it’s anyone else cutting into what he consider his business.

At a rally held in a California middle school gymnasium, he told the crowd of awestruck students that, “Casinos are supposed to be classy, am I right? I’m right folks, you know that, everybody does. But how can something be classy if it’s on the internet? That makes no sense.”

The press corps was made up entirely of bloggers from Breitbart, National Review Online, FrontPage and a single student from the school newspaper who managed to avoid having his phone confiscated before entering the almost-entirely empty multi-purpose room where lunch is also served, in this instance at the same time.

“Casinos are a place where you go to have a great time. You’ll learn about that,” said the presidential hopeful. “Ask your parents, they’ll tell you about it, it’s fantastic.”

Trump is well known for building what he calls, “the biggest, grandest, classiest casinos, they’re truly terrific, you wouldn’t even believe it, believe me,” adding, “No, I’m serious, ask anyone. Well, high-rollers. Ask high-rollers and they’ll tell you what a real casino is supposed to be like, it’s superlative.”

When a reporter later asked to clarify if he actually meant “superlative” or if he was just intending to use on at that point, he was grabbed by the neck by security, escorted off the premises and arrested for transporting home-grown tree fruit into California without declaring it. No charges have been filed.

When reached for comment, a spokesman for industry leader Casino Pokies Online said only that he doesn’t know what we’re talking about, who we are, that he “doesn’t have time for this,” and added that, no, I may not quote him. Advice I promised to consider, but not heed.

The aspirational leader of the free world explained to teachers and athletic directors present that “online casinos don’t have showgirls, they don’t have complimentary drinks or show tickets to Gallagher, The Rockettes, or Amy Schumer’s sister. Whatever her name is, people say she’s great, I hear it all the time.”

Industry experts have suggested that the real reason Donald Trump would ban online casinos is that, since he’s perpetually teetering on the brink of bankruptcy, this could push him over that cliff yet again, and that insolvency prior to the election could increase his chances of “getting his ass whupped by a girl.”

Others have suggested that since online gaming is more fun and more accessible than going to an inconvenient and needlessly expensive casino, people might choose to skip his silly monuments to man’s hubris altogether.

Jerry Fenson, a welder from Poughkeepsie, New York, explained that, “When I play from home, I can actually win. If I have to pay to go to one of his casinos, I have to win a thousand dollars just to break even after the cost of the room and travel. It’s literally impossible to beat the house in Atlantic City, and that’s assuming I don’t get mugged outside, which is a very big assumption.”

Donald Trump expects to give his acceptance speech on November 8th in a private ceremony to his closest friends and family members shortly after delivering his official concession speech.


Posted in PoliticsComments (0)

How Nude Betting Helped Make Asia a Billion Dollar Gambling Hub

A 2015 report on Forbes.com suggested that the eyes of the gambling world have shifted over the last decade. While hungry eyes used to look towards Las Vegas and its smorgasbord of gambling delights, today it seems that Asia is where many high rollers get their fill.

Of course, Las Vegas is by no means a lame duck. Indeed, back in 2015, the gambling hub in the middle of the Nevada desert welcomed 42,312,216 tourists, and casinos on the strip alone generated $6.3 billion in revenue. However, when you compare those numbers to Macau’s spreadsheet they look extremely tame.
Despite a recent dip in gambling activity, Macau’s network of casinos generated $28.9 billion in 2015, as high rollers from around the world flocked to iconic venues such as The Venetian Macao to play everything from slots to roulette. Read the full story


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Sports Reporter Reports Equal Number of Teams Winning, Losing

According to latest sports reports, the number of teams winning this week was once again equal to the number of teams losing.

The odds of the same number of teams winning as losing over the entirety of history is impossible according to some, or based on the words of others, completely predictable.

In fact checking this story we looked at ESPN and the sports betting site, SportsbookNavigator.com, and early numbers appear to pencil out. Read the full story


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Smart Woman Proves Guessing the Beans in a Candy Bowl is a Skill Game

One woman was able to use her lucky number to make herself $1,000 richer in one of the most skillful gambling competitions around.

They say that there are two main ways to gamble. The first way is to play games that are completely of chance, and the second way is to play on games that are based on skill.

One woman was able to show that sometimes you don’t know which is which by winning a massive $1,000 jackpot in a bean-guessing contest. Read the full story


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Gambling Classes to be Added to School Curriculum in 5 Different States

Stop complaining that school doesn’t prepare you for real life.

“The Real World, Real Skills Bill” has finally passed through the senate — adding gambling classes to the core curriculum of five states. The teachers are abuzz, students are excited and parents are desperately trying to figure out how they, themselves, can enroll. Read the full story


Posted in Education, Kidz ZoneComments (0)

Bovada.lv: Golden Spade Poker Open

Of all the great online poker tournaments offered by Poker.bovada.lv, the Golden Spade Poker Open is hands-down the biggest. With a guaranteed prize pool of $1,500,000, the largest in Bovada history, you have an excellent chance of winning a Bodog payout and enjoying some truly great poker games.

To cater for all styles, there are Contender and Championship Series offering a wide variety of Texas and Omaha games. The Contender Series offers prizes of $250,000, while $1,250,000 is offered in the Championship Series. Alongside direct tournament buy-ins, qualifying and Satellite options are available for both Series. Read the full story


Posted in Internets TubesComments (0)

Largest Poker Tournaments in History

At the time of writing, it’s a little over 63 days until the World Series of Poker 2013 Main Event Final Table gets underway in Las Vegas on November 4. Over the last nine years the WSOP has consistently been the largest poker tournament in the world, judging its prize pool. Read the full story


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Trump to Open Chain of Children’s Casinos

Free-market capitalist and cranial gopher rescue haven Donald Trump has announced this week that he’ll open a new line of casinos aimed squarely at the children’s market.

Many see this as a provocative, or even illegal move, but since all planned locations will be on floating river barges or tribal land, and they plan to file as 501(c)(4) “social welfare organizations,” they are expected to avoid legal scrutiny. Read the full story


Posted in Biz News, Kidz ZoneComments (2)

Handicapping the Popes

Angelo Scola, 71, Milan, Italy
Scola is the archbishop of Milan and has probably the best overall arm in the whole field. Terrific overhand curve, excellent command of his fast ball and a back door slider that drives the scouts crazy. keep your eye on this one. Read the full story


Posted in ReligionismComments (0)

Even Grandma Thinks Bingo is Old School

In the United States, bingo was originally called “beano”. No, it wasn’t a racial epithet, even though many aged Americans may also use it thusly. No, it was a game played at fairs where a dealer would select numbered discs from a cigar box and players would mark their cards with, wait for it, beans.

When they won, they’d holler out, “beano!” and claim their prize. Perhaps a jar of yams or a nice single wool sock, I don’t know what they gave out at fairs back then, but some speculate it was mostly polio. Read the full story


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New Year Baby Refuses to be Born

SAN FRANCISCO–The first baby of New Year 2013 is refusing to depart his mother’s womb.

The child–identified during the first trimester as a boy and subsequently named Jonah by his parents—stated from in utero, he would permit another infant to play through and stake official claim to the New Year First Baby title. Read the full story


Posted in Human InterestComments (1)

Cockfighting Bill Nears Passage

Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez.

First we want to remind you. Glossy News told you President Obama would ease travel restrictions to Cuba so it can become a new Spring break destination for hordes of stupid rich college kids. We told you that before anybody else because we’re the serious journalists.

Now about this Cockfighting Bill. You have bad priorities. Families are sleeping in cars at Wal-Mart parking lots, and the Congress of the United States has nothing more to worry about than cockfighting? Read the full story


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Las Vegas Odds Makers Taking Bets on the “N” Word

LAS VEGAS, NV (GlossyNews)– Taking a sharp turn away from sports betting, Las Vegas odds makers are said to be taking silent bets from some of the top businessmen and politicians in the country on who will be the first high-profile personality to come right out and publicly call President Obama the “N” word. Read the full story


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Ben Affleck More at Home Among Family Men Than Company Men

“I love being a father,” Ben Affleck said to reporters who actually had asked him about his new film “The Company Men,” the arrest of his wife’s stalker, and of his wife’s revelation to W Magazine that she will never work with her husband on a film project. “It’s wonderful. It’s changed my life. It all sounds like platitudes and clichés, and that’s because they’re the truth.” Read the full story


Posted in Celebrity GossipComments (2)

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