Half Nelson Bay, CT (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with Norbert B. Snortwhistle. Republican Linda McMahon challenged Democrat Richard Blumenthal to wrestle her for the Connecticut Senate seat rather than wait for the outcome of the November election.

McMahon, a former World Wrestling Federation executive and wrestler, left no doubt she believed she could defeat Blumenthal. “He’s got a big mouth out here, but let’s see how he does in the ring,” McMahon told her cheering supporters. “I’ll put his policy positions where the sun don’t shine.”

Political analysts doubted the proposed match will move forward. According to sources, Blumenthal will only agree to wrestle if he can enter the ring wearing a cape, but McMahon wants to wrestle using a “Wonder Woman” persona, which also requires a cape.

Late yesterday, a McMahon advisor attempted to break the impasse by suggesting Connecticut voters decide who will wear a cape, then holding the wrestling match to determine the state’s next Senator.

But Connecticut’s Secretary of State squashed the idea as too costly.

“That approach would require the expense of a special election, something our state budget simply cannot fund,” said a spokesperson. “We suggest the candidates flip a coin to see who wears the cape, then wrestle for the seat accordingly.”

Orange, OH (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with norbert b. snortwhistle.

House leader John Boehner vowed that if the GOP captures control of Congress this November, it will do “absolutely nothing for as long as necessary.”

Speaking to an association of tanning salon owners, Boehner candidly unveiled his party’s legislative strategy for 2011 and perhaps beyond. “Republicans strongly believe government cannot achieve much of value,” Boehner said. “And if we are successful this November, we will prove it.” Read the full story

THE PENTAGON, Washington DC (GlossyNews) — In a Sunday morning, shocking, turn of events, Democrats rallied around the president to chart a new course in the war against the president’s ego. For the second time on only weeks, President Obama has changed courses in Afghanistan, desperate for victory. Desperate times call for desperate measure and, in a military filled with pragmatic leaders looking for real effective solutions, the administration had to dig deep to find a General who was already bought and paid for. General Motors fit the bill. Read the full story

In further evidence that the GOP is an enemy of the American people, gaffe-prone Biden was encouraged to continue speaking after a series of horrific and embarrassing introductory remarks Thursday at an NRAACPA meeting, leading to further verbal and financial market disasters. Read the full story

GLOBE, Arizona (GlossyNews) — Accusations have run wild from the Republican Party who criticized Democrats for not reading the Health Care bill before passing it. In recent days the new Arizona Law has become an increasing target of Democratic ire. Attorney General Eric Holder, and Secretary of Homeland Security have criticized the bill then been chastised for admitting having never read the bill. Republicans are in a huff about it as expected but a new study has brought some new perspective to this issue.

The Center of Really Important Stuff, a bipartisan think tank recently released a report showing that 63% of Democrats cannot read and 82% of Democratic government officials are illiterate. Read the full story

Weirton, WVa – A group of canaries have put their tiny talons down once and for all and are claiming they have the most hazardous job in the world and should have a place in line for various government concessions.

Ith true,” says a canary known only as Precious, “The time hath come for all canarieth to thpeak in unithon on thith very important matter. For over one hundred yearths, our rapid heartbeats were thilenced and thwee were put in a mine with only carbon monoxthide to breathe, while humanth hung around outthide the mine hoping we would die so they wouldn’t have to work that day. Read the full story

Auston, TX (GlossyNews) — A group of middle-aged white liberals in Austin, Texas has vowed to never laugh at anything again. Group spokesman, Broice Kafoudlink, or as he is known in the organization, King Fuddy Duddy, declared at a recent “No Laugh, No Way” meeting that, “It’s about time people stopped laughing. Read the full story

Hall of Facebook – Palin’s Facebook page took over 2000 angry hits after a post she wrote stated that she strongly endorsed Carly Fiorina to challenge Barbara Boxer for her Senate seat in November.

The Facebook entry started out “Carly, Carly, she’s our (Wo)man, if she can’t do it, no one can,” and then went on to describe how Fiorina is uncannily almost exactly like Palin, except for the fact that she has an MBA from the Robert H. Smith School of Business, as well as a Master of Science degree from MIT. Palin, however, was quick to point out that just like herself, Fiorina did drop out of one university, the UCLA School of Law. Read the full story

San Francisco, CA (GlossyNews) — “I never thought I would pray for somebody to flat-out die,“ said liberal turned Christian, Marty Hayes. “But I’ve been praying hard for this one. I can’t stand to hear Palin’s voice, it sounds like the hounds of hell to me.“

Similar sentiments are coming from millions of Democrats who never thought they’d be seen down on their knees with hands clasped and begging eyes turned upward. A Priest from an Episcopal Church that only one month ago was worried about keeping the lights on, has mixed feeling about the turn of events. Read the full story

Macon, GA (GlossyNews) — Intrepid FOX News reporters have uncovered a heinous Left Wing plot to do in America’s older generation. While many were declaring the hard right’s scary threats that the Left was going to let older citizens die out, it turns out that the truth is even darker yet. FOX has acquired evidence that a Democratic backed organization is spiriting Medicare and, Social Security recipients to a secret location, mass gassing them, then processing their bodies into a dog food. This pooch munch is then sold through the firm Soylent Green Really Yummie Pet Food Company. Read the full story

WASHINGTON, DC (GlossyNews) — In a surprise press conference this morning, Barack Obama announced to the American public that he has discovered the cure for cancer.

“Several well-known medical researchers and I have finally found a way to put an end to this menacing disease,” President Obama declared. “The short treatment is completely safe, 100-percent effective and carries no side effects whatsoever.” Read the full story

Washington D. C. (GlossyNews) — President Barack Obama’s purposed Health Care overhaul has encountered a new series of setbacks, after both Democrats and Republicans introduced additional provisions sure to tie the bill up in debate for some time to come. Read the full story

Butte, MT – A new right-wing fringe political movement calling itself the Toilet Paper Nation or (TPN) is the latest and youngest grassroots movement to go after what they believe is a Washington that is out of touch with the youth of America. The movement, made up of mostly high school sophomores, has a simple message for Washington’s business as usual, “Washington, Sh*t or Get off the Pot.” Read the full story

Washington DC By the narrow margin Court watchers have come to expect, the Supreme Court ruled today that Black History Month should “get over itself already.” In the five vote majority opinion, Justice Clarence Thomas wrote, “There is no Constitutional precedent for highlighting the achievements of specific ethnic groups. While technically permitted as redress of past discrimination, it just goes on and on, you know? Black History Week would be OK, but Harriet Tubman and Sojurner Truth, well it gets old quick.” Read the full story

Boston, MA (GlossyNews) — Democratic National Committee campaign strategists are rushing today to explain the unexpectedly strong showing by Republican Scott Brown in the Massachusetts special election to fill the seat of the late Senator Edward Kennedy.

Republic pundits and party insiders are quick to call the surprisingly strong showing by Brown a referendum on nationalized health care, and the performance of the Obama Administration, in general. However, Democratic insiders dismiss these claims, charging the election and polling results are more “a reflection on the local character of this race,” rather than an indicator of 2010 mid-term election results. Read the full story

A Petition has been circulating among Alumni of the University of Alabama to change the popular ‘Bama nickname to ‘Bamma due to conflicts that are arising from having a President named Obama.

The reason for this requested change, as set forth in the petition, is that the name ‘Bama when mis-pronounced by most as Bah-mah, sounds too similar to Obama. Read the full story

The Green Zone, that huge, walled off section of Baghdad occupied by US military and civilian operations, has been renamed ‘The Emerald City’ after the fabled city in the movie ‘The Wizard of Oz’.

The Green Zone functions like a first world country having 24 hour electricity, water, sewage treatment and Read the full story

In the wake of the systematic butchering of the Senate version of the health care reform bill almost single-handedly by Sen. Joe Lieberman (Dem/Ind/Rep/Lib-CN), it has been suggested that not only Lieberman, but all Democrats should be sent to Reform School to learn the meaning of the word reform.

Let’s review. According to several sources, including the latest census polls, approximately 47 million, or roughly 1 out of 3 Americans, are without health insurance in this country. Read the full story