Tag Archive | "democrats"

A Low Point for President Jesus


WASHINGTON – It has been a tough couple of months for President Jesus in the wake of the problem-plagued launch of the government’s HumanKindness.gov website and continuing criticism of his efforts to address the issues of unemployment and poverty in the United States.

House and Senate Republicans continued to pound the president over the implementation of his administration’s signature Love Thy Neighbor Act, commonly referred to as Jesuscare. Read the full story

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Non-Partisan Partisan Groups Terrorizing Republicans, Democrats Alike


Sick of the constant bickering between the two major political parties in America and the endless difficulties if makes for the common man, small groups of non-partisan partisan groups have taken to hiding in the woods and in the cellars and sewers of towns and cities.

Rejected and hounded by members of the two elite political groups, the non-partisans have elected to seek their freedom somewhere away from the commotion and hatreds of the two rivals. Read the full story

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Republicans Smoking Too Much Weed Again


Once again Republicans have been having drug deliriums from smoking too much weed. With regards to the stalemate on the shutting down the government (by the way, the WRONG parts of the government have gotten shut down- why are these guys still in the Congressional Hall arguing and not out filing for unemployment?) they have been claiming that the Obama administration has been refusing to negotiate and unwilling to extend a hand across the aisle. Read the full story

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The Governments Going To Shut Down? Oh, Pity…….


Shut Down The Government- Yeah!!!!!!

SHUT HER DOWN! SHUT HER DOWN!

YEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Go ahead and shut the dinosaur down! It will be days before most people even would notice.

They don’t seem to be able to do much lately except fight like Yuppie versions of the Hatfields and McCoys anyway.

While we’re at it let’s cut off the Senators and Legislators hospitalization for life on the taxpayers dime and suspend their pay. In fact, just shut it off for every upper level government employee. No, no unemployment for you! If we have to put up with it so do you! Read the full story

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Republicans Demand Recount of Presidential Election Citing Illegal Zombie Voters


A U.S. Presidential election recount has been demanded by Republicans because it has been discovered that illegal zombies have been allowed to vote.

Apparently in their over-exuberance to get people out to vote Democratic campaigners accidentally (or, perhaps intentionally as the Right insists) signed up the living dead. Being dead, zombies, as with most dead, can not legally vote. Read the full story

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Controversy as Democratic Party Changes Name


In an effort to attract the more diverse crop of voters and political revolutionaries emerging in President Obama’s second term, Democrat leaders announced early Wednesday that their party’s name will be changed to “Socialist-Liberal-Progressive-Democrat-Marxist-Leninist-Maoist Party for Pansexual and Botox Patient Rights” on June 1st.

Nancy Pelosi personally unveiled the new title to the press corps, calling its advent “A refreshing glass of Kool-Aid for us all to consume.” Read the full story

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Sequestration Castration


The dreaded Sequestration is upon us. Which is much like the feared Fiscal Cliff. Which is similar to the 2012 Mayan Apocalypse. Which is related to Y2K.

Which is similar to the Bush II administration… wait a minute! That was a real disaster that actually happened! Brrrrrrr… and scary too!

Both sides are giving us horror stories that are like the really cheap ghost story books that you find in dollar stores. They are also about as flimsy and thin as those inexpensive Halloween masks that your mother bought you as kids that collect a teaspoons worth of spittle every time you breathe out.

Of course, the cuts don’t hurt the big boys, they hurt the little people like us.

Until now.

Unbeknownst to the Senators, Legislators and other members of the ruling elite, there is a whole section of clauses hidden in the obscure and thick wording of the Sequestration that cuts their pay to half, eliminates their insurance, cancels their Secret Service protection, wipes out their perks and states that they have to clean their own dishes.

Government officials, notorious for not thoroughly reading bills brought to their desk are in for a rude awakening once the Sequestration gets going full swing.

Already a couple of lower echelon staff have discovered the oversight and are frantically trying to reach their bosses with the news before the Sequestration gets too entrenched. This is hampered by the fact that it is difficult to get through to the exclusive golf clubs and upscale foreign bordellos where they are holed up. The staff themselves have a great interest in reaching them because they will be the first to feel the budget ax.

Word has quickly spread throughout the underground Internet where people such as you and I are eager to watch as they realize their mistake and start running around like weasels with their heads cut off. Much like we have to do at the low paying crap jobs which are available to the working class in our modern America at the moment.

- – - -

FLASH NEWS UPDATE! – Both Congress and the Senate have met in an emergency session starting at 3 AM eastern time to resolve the Sequestration crisis. Senators and Legislators have been catching red-eye flights to make sure they get new proposals passed before their perks start disappearing.

Politicos across the Washington spectrum started panicking when their Congressional credit cards started voiding their purchases all around the globe. Angry calls from spouses on shopping sprees suddenly flooded cell phones throughout Washington.

YET ANOTHER FLASH NEWS UPDATE!- Washington in an amazing feat of speed and focus passed a set of bills in a record 55 minutes at 3:55 eastern time this morning. This now sets the Guinness book of world records for the shortest amount of time for Congress to get anything through its doors. Congressmen were seen wiping their foreheads in relief as they left.

Unfortunately, they only passed bills related to their benefits and pay. The rest of the countries citizens will have to wait until they reconvene on Monday.

If not longer.

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Florida Woman Makes Son Turn Down TV to “Conserve Sound”


A Jacksonville, Florida native has drawn widespread attention after asking her son to turn down his television in order to save sound.

Gladys Welsh, age 83, was heard yelling to her son Timmy, age 45, to lower the volume on his set and conserve sound Thursday evening. A digital recording of the incident was leaked to the press on Friday morning, igniting the public firestorm. Read the full story

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Boehner and Obama Vow to Fall Off Fiscal Cliff Together


As fiscal cliff negotiations stalled, Republican House Speaker John Boehner and Democratic President Barack Obama romantically declared that they would tumble over the fiscal cliff together “arm in arm”.

“I truly love that man”, Boehner said in reference to Obama. “I would gladly sacrifice myself and my political future for him”.

Obama was equally smitten with the Ohio congressman. “John and I have been through some tough times. But our love for each other has sustained us until now” Obama said as he glanced at a vase full of red roses provided by his former rival.

The two politicians seemed to constantly be at odds with each other and their romantic relationship caught many by surprise.

“I always thought Boehner was just some douche bag republican”, said New York sanitation worker Peter Gibbs. “Now I find out he’s got a soft, romantic heart!”

“I looked at Obama as being a real jerk”, said Mississippi stockbroker Jules Crabtree. “Now I think he’s a decent human being”.

Both Boehner and Obama said the fiscal cliff is not about the American people anymore but about two people’s undying love for each other.

“After we both go off the fiscal cliff America will be much better off”, a teary eyed Obama stated.

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Republicans Wish Democrats Would Stop Smiling


WASHINGTON – With the 2012 U.S. election now nearly a week old, Republican politicians are beginning to wonder how long it will take for their Democratic rivals to wipe the shit-eating grins off their faces and return to normal.

“It was understandable the first day or two after the election,” said Rep. Joe Barton (R-Tex.), “but now it’s starting to get kind of annoying.”

“Right, okay. We get it already. You’re happy,” noted Rep. Walter Jones (R-N.C.). “Now get over it, and let our Republican Congressional majority start making you miserable again.” Read the full story

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Honey Boo Boo Weeps on Live TV When Obama Loss Announced


GlossyNews.comHog Jaw, GA – Not since her child beauty pageant loss in Vicksburg to 6-year-old Playdo model Mae Belle Glutz has reality TV star Honey Boo Boo cried so hard as to drop her fried chicken drumstick.

So far, the Tots and Tiara Queenette has bawled non-stop, and refuses to eat, taking only an occasional sip of Red Bull or Mountain Dew. The cause of her emotional breakdown? The stunning re-election loss of Barack Obama prematurely reported by CNN. Read the full story

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Ageing Jimmy Carter Accidentally Endorses Mitt Romney for President


WASHINGTON D.C. – In a televised address before the press corps Saturday, ageing former Democratic president Jimmy Carter accidentally endorsed Mitt Romney for the presidency, insisting: “Romney is a progressive thinker and he’s gonna do a whole bunch of good for America.”

Appearing to slur his words as he spoke to various members of the press, the 88-year-old left-leaning goodwill ambassador declared that Romney “is the only guy who can get the job done (inaudible)… it’s going to be really exciting to see him win.” Read the full story

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Handlers Say Biden Will Be On a ‘Soothing Lithium Drip’ For The VP Debate


Washington, DC – (SatireWorld.com)

After publically claiming ‘it’s only 30 more days to the erection,’ Joe Biden handlers have taken matters into their own hands and have placed the Vice President into the care of the White House Physician for immediate treatment in order to have the VP compete in Wednesday’s Vice Presidential debate. Read the full story

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Vice-President Biden Begins Doping for Debate


Last week the big news for the 2012 presidential election was the worse-than-expected performance of President Obama in his match-up with former Governor, and Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney. Although Obama was able to firmly demonstrate that he did have a pulse, little else was evident from his reaction to the many contradictory statements made by his opponent.

That debate was the big match on the ticket for all debates in this election cycle and the undercard of the vice-presidential debate would not normally warrant much attention. Both of the vice-presidential candidates offer something unique to this cycle, one locked into a conservative mantra that leaves out all but the upper 1%, and one who can’t seem to keep his foot out of his mouth whenever the spotlight is shined upon him. Read the full story

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Romney “Apologizes” to Obama After Debate Debacle


WASHINGTON DC- Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney sort of apologized to the president this week after the crushing debate performance he delivered, though it remains unclear as to whether Governor Romney actually knows what an apology is.

Although the political arena doesn’t mandate such an apology, Romney’s religious upbringing got the better of him as he humbly “apologized” for the thorough lashing he gave the president.

“Mitt has had a lot of practice with apologizing and knowing what an apology actuallt is, recently,” explained Matt Rhodes, senior Romney advisor.

“Not only did he deliver an excellent apology after politicizing the death of Ambassador Chris Stevens, and he really nailed it when he had to explain himself over the 47% thing the day after the debate. It was totally an underhanded apology that almost slipped by. Mitt’s been getting so good at it, he apologized to his wife after accidentally bringing her a caffeinated soda at a fund raising picnic, where he mingled with regular common people. It was a touching moment among many.”

Political analysts are wondering if Romney can keep up with his fast paced rate of apologizing. Some of his more notable apologies have reportedly been behind closed doors, especially after the debate.

He has been practicing apologizing to his base constituency for faltering on his platform so many times.

Romney appeared on Univision, a Spanish Language Channel, where he apologized to Hispanics for the tough talk on immigration during the primaries, but vowed to apologize more to them in his coming years as president.

Romney has also been seen apologizing to unemployed Americans, stating he was “sorry for the whole off-shore thing,” and that if he got their vote, he would “so get their jobs back for them.”

When asked about the apology, President Barack Obama commented, “It was nice and heart felt. Uh… He knew I was tired and had been keeping late nights… what with keeping the world from falling apart, and… cleaning up a rather… big mess left by… uh, Republicans.”

Paul Ryan has not been in favor of the recent streak of apologies, stating that “it shows weakness.”

“Ayn Rand would be spinning in her atheist grave right now listening to Romney bowing to people, many of whom don’t even pay taxes for the entitlements they feel they deserve.”

He also added, “did that come off as racist? Is that my first political gaff? I need to go do some P90x and sort all of this out, but you know what I mean about those people [who do not pay taxes].”

Senior White House advisor David Plouffe remarked on how happy he was to see Romney take a more humble approach. Plouffe went on to say, “As much as he’s apologizing for the lies, pandering, political polarizing, and suckering poor people in to a program that would marginalize their meager incomes, I don’t think I’ve heard him apologize to Jim Lerher or Big Bird for threatening to fire them.”

Mitt Romney will be in the swing state of Arkansas tomorrow speaking at a $5 a plate fundraiser held for the state’s wealthiest job creators.

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Launch of a Campaign to Mildly Harass Congress


So, a little while ago, I wrote this little ditty about how Congress’ approval rating had fallen below 0%.

It was born mostly out of frustration with our political leaders’ absolute inability to do anything other than name post offices.

This was combined, of course, with a moderate sense of boredom because there did not appear to be anything to watch on TV at the time.

The story did pretty well. It was published by GlossyNews, as well as a bunch of different venues, got three and a half thousand individual hits (thanks to Brian’s awesome dissemination skills), and hopefully raised a few chuckles. Read the full story

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