Category: Top Stories
BP Creates Culinary Division to Sell Turtle Meat
CHALMETTE, Louisiana (GlossyNews) — Add abysmal stock prices to the $20 billion escrow fund and BP’s existing $2.35 billion clean up tab, and you begin to realize how quickly deep pockets grow shallow. The Deep Horizon oil spill in the…
Teenager Asked for ID to Buy Whipped Cream
ATLANTA, Ga. (GlossyNews) — When a new product comes to market, it doesn’t take long for the younger crowd to scope it out and try to scoop it up, especially when that new product contains alcohol. Such is the case…
Dick Cheney to Form GOP Apology Task Force
WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — Texas Representative Joe Barton’s strange apology to BP CEO Tony Hayward for the government imposed $20 billion escrow account to repay damages caused by the Deep Horizon oil spill continues to spark controversy. The ill-fated gaffe…
US Declares Entire Gulf of Mexico a US Oil Reserve
WASHINGTON D.C. (GlossyNews) — The U.S. today decreed the Gulf of Mexico should be made into the Southern National Petroleum Reserve and should fall under the jurisdiction of the U.S. Military. Much like the little known National Petroleum Reserve that…
Greek Austerity Plan Revealed – The Gods are Not Pleased
ATHENS, Greece (GlossyNews) — Today on Mt. Olympus, hearts were broken, tears were shed, and millennia long careers ended as the news was made official. In obedience to the EU bailout plan, Greece has reluctantly agreed; lots of gods and…
Fatwa Declared Against GlossyNews Writer
LONDON, UK (GlossyNews) — A Fatwa has been declared against GlossyNews as a reaction to the thousands of articles ridiculing the Taliban, suicide bombers, Muslim clerics, Islamic law and a host of other things that seem strange and humorous to…
Obama Misses Asses, Falls Flat on His Own
WASHINGTON DC (GlossyNews) -– Americans were buoyed last week when President Obama declared he was ready to kick ass over the BP oil spill, fully expecting him to go out immediately and find whose ass to kick. However, even with…
Obama Ready to Open Big Can of Whup Ass
NEW YORK, New York (GlossyNews) -– Talking like he was getting ready for the biggest basketball game of his life, President Barack Obama made it perfectly clear Tuesday morning on the Today Show that he is contemplating opening that big…
Obama Hires Nigerian to Enact Wall Street Reforms
WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — President Obama, in a move to gain public trust after a series of disastrous missteps over his symbiotic relationship with Wall Street, has hired a Nigerian barrister to enforce newly proposed Wall Street regulations.
Unemployed Veteran Forgets Mother’s Birthday
BUFFALO, New York (GlossyNews) — In what Tri-State area Tea Party leaders are calling further evidence of our culture’s collapse, 38-year-old Lance Kilbane, an unemployed welder, has forgotten to honor his mother on her birthday. Speaking to reporters while completing…