ATHENS, Greece (GlossyNews) — Today on Mt. Olympus, hearts were broken, tears were shed, and millennia long careers ended as the news was made official. In obedience to the EU bailout plan, Greece has reluctantly agreed; lots of gods and goddesses gotta go.
Delivery of the sad news fell to Minister for Deity Liaison Aristotle Gotapopolis, who later told Glossy News the reaction was decidedly mixed.
“Hera, she knew it was coming, I think. Her marriage with Zeus hasn’t been going well for a long time; at least that was my impression. Now Ares, god of war? His reaction surprised me. He’s always come across as a tough guy. But when I gave him his final paycheck, Ares broke down in tears. Kept mumbling something about ‘But Dick Cheney promised me!’ So I guess you’d have to ask him about that. Goddess of virginity took it really well though. She told me, ‘I was down to ugly eleven year olds anyway’ and she’ll be fine. Point is, Greece must now cut back, and that means the pantheon of deities right along with us mortals.”
Gotapopolis went on to explain that while he doesn’t enjoy it, the downsizing of Mt. Olympus was way overdue. “You know how many gods and goddesses there are in charge of plague? Neither do I and neither do they really. It’s like Tokyo up there, I’m not kidding. We have antibiotics now; time to get with the program.”
Despite pragmatism from Gotapopilis, the deity layoff was not taken well among the Greek populace, a nation famous for producing beautiful women and moronic bureaucrats. Reaction was so negative that an Athens riot broke out during a totally unrelated riot.
Yet to hit the Greeks is clause 527 of the austerity plan, wherein Mt. Olympus will submit to a corporate sponsorship re-naming auction, being held on E-bay right now. At this writing, both Gatorade and Red Bull are leading contenders to have the fabled Greek peak renamed for them. Oh, and also somebody named Bob. It’s too soon to predict how clause 527 will play into the Grecian formula too.