Archive | War Zone

China Becomes Puppet State of Malta

China Becomes Puppet State of Malta

News sources from the Far East are reporting that a successful coup has brought the People’s Republic of China under Maltese control as a puppet state.

Sleeper agents from the island nation are believed to have been activated last evening in Beijing and proceeded to capture major instruments of government, including the Communist Party Central Committee and Central Military Commission. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News1 Comment

Luxembourg Annexes Germany

Luxembourg Annexes Germany

The European community is in shock following Luxembourg’s decision to deploy troops and annex the Federal Republic of Germany.

According to preliminary reports, Luxembourger troops entered the province of North Rhine-Westphalia early Thursday morning and proceeded through Lower Saxony towards Berlin.

By late Saturday the capitol had surrendered, allowing the invading troops to push south and take Bavaria. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News3 Comments

Heartwarming Story Emerges out of Massacre in Sudan

Heartwarming Story Emerges out of Massacre in Sudan

While unearthing a mass grave in the South of Sudan, a country where religious division fuels an ethnic cleansing that provides a bloody front for a resource war, a Red Cross forensics worker found a puppy, alive among the remains of the murdered Sudanese Villagers.

It was during final stages of corpse inventory, assigning a gender and age to each body for statistical analysis needed for fund raising campaigns, when excavator Lois Cambridge heard a whimper. After the bodies were cleared away, the puppy was found, emaciated, wounded and clinging to life in the knee-deep sludge of decaying human viscera. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News1 Comment

NPR Coverage of Petraeus Affair Interrupted by Annoying, Irrelevant Report on Syria Slaughter

NPR Coverage of Petraeus Affair Interrupted by Annoying, Irrelevant Report on Syria Slaughter

WASHINGTON D.C. – National Public Radio came under attack from various sections of the mainstream media Tuesday, after its scheduled coverage of the ongoing General David Petreaus affair was bizarrely interrupted by an in-depth report on the most recent and non-news-worthy slaughter in Syria.

Insisting that NPR “ignored its duty to prioritize information that was very much in the public interest”, a spokesperson for CNN said that “it was extremely irresponsible (of NPR) to give violence in Damascus such overwhelming attention at the expense of letting the American people know how one of our most decorated generals cheated on his wife of 38 years.” Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone3 Comments

Patraeus Regrets Affair, Mainly “Getting Found Out”

Patraeus Regrets Affair, Mainly “Getting Found Out”

Former CIA director David Patraeus has confided that he deeply regrets much about his affair with biographer Paula Broadwell, but chief among his regrets is that the affair was discovered and made public.

“He regrets that affair on so many levels”, a close associate of his revealed, “but what he regrets the most is the fact that he got found out. For him that’s the part of it that really sucks.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, War Zone1 Comment

9/12 Not Remembered

9/12 Not Remembered

WASHINGTON – Almost eleven years on from the events of the day immediately following the 9/11 terrorist attacks, millions of Americans will spend tomorrow utterly failing to remember 9/12 – a day which involved hourly repeats of the same, non-developing news story across all the major news networks.

The day, which was followed by the equally unremarkable 9/13, 9/14 and 9/15, is expected to see the nation’s 300 million residents go about their business as if nothing had ever happened. Continue Reading

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First Ever Taliban Fighter vs. F-16 Combat Footage Released

First Ever Taliban Fighter vs. F-16 Combat Footage Released

Kabul, Afghanistan (SatireWorld.com)

An Air Force F-16 scrambled from allied forces Bagram Air Base today as American AWAC radar planes picked up a strange ‘bogey’ heading over the Kush mountain range from the Pakistan border areas.

An Air Force F-16C interceptor was directed to the source of the mysterious radar signature. Continue Reading

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History’s Largest Manhunt Over, Waldo Dead

History’s Largest Manhunt Over, Waldo Dead

Aden- The largest manhunt in the war on terror finally comes to a close. Waldo, a.k.a. Wally, Veli, or Al’ Shabaz Mussa Shadif was an American citizen who notably sympathized with Al Quaeda insurgency groups and became an intellectual leader in the movement.

The manhunt started after the U.S. withdrew support of the Mujahideen in Afghanistan, a “slight to the struggle of the Islamic people” by the “imperialists of Washington,” quoted from videos recorded by Waldo while in hiding.

Waldo then took a leadership role in the anti-American activities conducted in the region. Intelligence reports state that Waldo would “hide random objects in various public spaces, most often found by children.” While agencies “would have to redirect focus to find all of these hidden objects before attention could be given on Waldo himself.” These reports also explain how Waldo would taunt law enforcement by “listing how many of these varied objects were hidden in a particular location.”

Although no evidence could be connected with Waldo and specific acts of terrorism, “we know he had a certain level of involvement and an administrative role,” says Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff U.S Army General Martin E. Dempsey.

The search ended when notable Special Forces group, Navy Seal Team 6, carried out a daring night time raid and assassinated the terrorist. Also killed in the raid were Waldo’s wife Wenda, second in command Odlaw, and loyal companion Woof. This raid was conducted soon after the use of predator drones to bomb and kill Wizard Whitebeard at a remote training facility in Pakistan.

According to unnamed sources, the ability to ascertain Waldo’s precise whereabouts were coordinated with Facebook. Facebook was able to help the Central Intelligence Agency with their facial recognition technology, a crucial element to find the seemingly ordinary looking terrorist.

Director of the CIA David Patreas stated that “Wizard Whitebeard was one thing, he fit the profile. Waldo was another case.” He went on to say “Let’s not lose sight of the real victory here, we are keeping Americans safe. The collaborative work of the CIA, Military, and private industry should be applauded.”

The orders to follow through with the assassination came from the president’s office. Barack Obama consented to the infiltration once intelligence reports came back from the precise whereabouts of the known terrorist.

Obama announced that, “justice has finally been served. No longer will American children have to sleep at night wondering where this mad man is. No longer will they have to question if the government can keep them safe from these hidden menaces. We can reassure them that even if a terrorist is hiding on a movie set, a crowded beach, a coven of vampires, or even in what would seem like and endless sea of Waldos, we will find them and kill them.”

A recent member of Seal Team 6, whose identity must be kept a secret, has received much scrutiny for lambasting remarks against President Obama.

He said in an interview, “Obama didn’t kill Waldo, we did. He’s taking credit for the hard work conducted by our servicemen. Our ability to discern whether the target was in fact Waldo or a strategically placed barber’s pole was on our backs.”

Although this would seem like a major victory in the War on Terror, Whitehouse, Pentagon, and CIA officials argue that there are still threats to freedom that still exist in the world. With the death of Waldo and his compatriots, the highest priority to international security agencies is Carmen SanDiego. With her whereabouts still unknown, her ability to elude law enforcement is unprecedented.

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Posted in Crime, War Zone2 Comments

Flex Seal Product Allows Poland to Realize Dream of Screen-Door Submarine

Flex Seal Product Allows Poland to Realize Dream of Screen-Door Submarine

Gdynia – A simple household product has the potential to destabilize the balance of naval power in the Baltic Sea. Two Cold War era Polish submarines, both of which had sunk immediately after their initial launch, were recently raised from the depths of the harbor at the northern Polish port of Gdynia.

While in dry dock, the screen doors of both boats, which Polish officials suspect were the cause of each sinking, were thoroughly sprayed and sealed with Flex Seal, a liquid rubber sealant guaranteed to “coat, seal, and stop leaks fast.” Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone4 Comments

Obama Charged With NDAA Violation

Obama Charged With NDAA Violation

Hillary Clinton has declined interviews, saying “We will seek our attorneys,” over breaking news that US assistance to Syrian rebels in order to oust the Assad government, could violate the NDAA (National Defense Authorization Act).

Admittedly, the Obama administration is caught between upholding the NDAA, on the one hand, and charging itself on the other, in which case it can be arrested without habeus corpus and held without charge, indefinitely. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone2 Comments

Budget Cuts Threaten U.S. Readiness for Unlikely War

Budget Cuts Threaten U.S. Readiness for Unlikely War

Pentagon worried about ability to defend nation against improbable attack by indeterminate enemy.

WASHINGTON – Facing potential budget cuts of $1 trillion over ten years as a result of the U.S. Congress’s failure to agree on a deficit reduction plan, the Pentagon is voicing its concerns about the dangers such a reduction in defense spending poses to national security in an era of growing improbable military threats. Continue Reading

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Nuclear Armed N. Korea ‘Posing Grave Threat to U.S. Hopes of Justifying War with Iran’

Nuclear Armed N. Korea ‘Posing Grave Threat to U.S. Hopes of Justifying War with Iran’

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA – As President Obama carried out a diplomatic mission to South Korea Saturday, members of congress issued an ultimatum to North Korea over its prospective weapons program, and warned the international community that a nuclear armed North Korea could pose a grave threat to America’s longstanding hopes of justifying a war with Iran. Continue Reading

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Kim Jong-Un Loses Stubby Arms Race

Kim Jong-Un Loses Stubby Arms Race

North Korea’s new supreme leader, Kim Jong-Un, has come under fire from his generals for possessing what some would call, “stubby, chubby child-sized arms,” a claim vehemently denied by state media.

“His arms are not stubby!” said state reporter Steel Cementman. “We just haven’t found the proper metric to measure his perfectly diminutive arms.” Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News3 Comments

Syrian President’s Approval Rating Plummets to Record Low 112%

Syrian President’s Approval Rating Plummets to Record Low 112%

DAMASCUS – As bloodshed continues to spread across Damascus and outlying regions of Syria, the country’s embattled President Bashar al-Assad has seen his approval rating plummet to a record low of 112% – with thousands more protesters taking to the streets to demonstrate against his regime. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News2 Comments

Job Opening: Got What it Takes to be al Qaeda’s New Number 2?

Job Opening: Got What it Takes to be al Qaeda’s New Number 2?

Recently, Al Qaeda’s #2 in command was killed in a drone strike. This makes him the fourth Al Qaeda #2 to be taken out in the past 18 months. In the interest of casting a wider net for possible replacement candidates, the terrorist organization posted a Help Wanted ad on Craig’s List this week. Check it out here. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, War Zone2 Comments

Military to Balance Budget via Naming Rights

Military to Balance Budget via Naming Rights

Because of severe military budget reductions, the MetLife Defense Department has begun selling naming rights to major military weapons systems and installations. The AT&T Pentagon, contacted by a senior military correspondent yesterday, said they expect to make millions from corporations eager to have their trademarks on U.S. weapons of mass destruction. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, War Zone0 Comments

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