Archive | War Zone

Budget Cuts Threaten U.S. Readiness for Unlikely War

Budget Cuts Threaten U.S. Readiness for Unlikely War

Pentagon worried about ability to defend nation against improbable attack by indeterminate enemy.

WASHINGTON – Facing potential budget cuts of $1 trillion over ten years as a result of the U.S. Congress’s failure to agree on a deficit reduction plan, the Pentagon is voicing its concerns about the dangers such a reduction in defense spending poses to national security in an era of growing improbable military threats. Continue Reading

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Nuclear Armed N. Korea ‘Posing Grave Threat to U.S. Hopes of Justifying War with Iran’

Nuclear Armed N. Korea ‘Posing Grave Threat to U.S. Hopes of Justifying War with Iran’

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA – As President Obama carried out a diplomatic mission to South Korea Saturday, members of congress issued an ultimatum to North Korea over its prospective weapons program, and warned the international community that a nuclear armed North Korea could pose a grave threat to America’s longstanding hopes of justifying a war with Iran. Continue Reading

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Kim Jong-Un Loses Stubby Arms Race

Kim Jong-Un Loses Stubby Arms Race

North Korea’s new supreme leader, Kim Jong-Un, has come under fire from his generals for possessing what some would call, “stubby, chubby child-sized arms,” a claim vehemently denied by state media.

“His arms are not stubby!” said state reporter Steel Cementman. “We just haven’t found the proper metric to measure his perfectly diminutive arms.” Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News3 Comments

Syrian President’s Approval Rating Plummets to Record Low 112%

Syrian President’s Approval Rating Plummets to Record Low 112%

DAMASCUS – As bloodshed continues to spread across Damascus and outlying regions of Syria, the country’s embattled President Bashar al-Assad has seen his approval rating plummet to a record low of 112% – with thousands more protesters taking to the streets to demonstrate against his regime. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News2 Comments

Job Opening: Got What it Takes to be al Qaeda’s New Number 2?

Job Opening: Got What it Takes to be al Qaeda’s New Number 2?

Recently, Al Qaeda’s #2 in command was killed in a drone strike. This makes him the fourth Al Qaeda #2 to be taken out in the past 18 months. In the interest of casting a wider net for possible replacement candidates, the terrorist organization posted a Help Wanted ad on Craig’s List this week. Check it out here. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, War Zone2 Comments

Military to Balance Budget via Naming Rights

Military to Balance Budget via Naming Rights

Because of severe military budget reductions, the MetLife Defense Department has begun selling naming rights to major military weapons systems and installations. The AT&T Pentagon, contacted by a senior military correspondent yesterday, said they expect to make millions from corporations eager to have their trademarks on U.S. weapons of mass destruction. Continue Reading

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Gaddafi Diary Excerpts Released

Gaddafi Diary Excerpts Released

Libya’s Revolutionary Council announced today the discovery of Colonel Muammar Gaddafi’s personal journals. According to sources, the writings span nearly the entire life of the enigmatic autocrat. The story of how the writings saw daylight is said to be nearly as convoluted as their author. It’s rumored details of the discovery have already been optioned by George Lucas as a possible Indiana Jones script. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News3 Comments

Palestine Claims Israel Has Gone Too Far

Palestine Claims Israel Has Gone Too Far

The public posturing of Israel and Palestine continued to escalate as pressure mounts for the long-time rivals to return to the negotiating table. Earlier last month in an address to a joint session of Congress, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu laid out his plan for peace, surprisingly agreeing to return to the pre-1967 borders, to halt all settlement building, and to pay reparations to the refugees and their descendants. Continue Reading

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Obama Drones On About Using US Military Power in Libya

Obama Drones On About Using US Military Power in Libya

With France and England approving the use of attack helicopters, President Barack Obama rejected the idea but continued his commitment of using Predator Drone unmanned aircraft against forces loyal to Moammar Gadhafi. Obama continues to cite his decision to use US military power against Gadhafi as a turning point in his Presidency. Continue Reading

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Opinions & Analysis: A Few Reasons Gaddafi Deserves Respect

Opinions & Analysis: A Few Reasons Gaddafi Deserves Respect

Colonel Moammar Kadhaffy is on his way out. There is no denying it (unless you’re him).

But before his body is discovered at the bottom of a bombed-out bunker, or cowering in the corner of a desert spider hole, it is worth remembering some of the dictator’s more inspirational qualities – some of the good things that may not be noted when writing this his soon-to-be-released obituary. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, War Zone0 Comments

CableGate Leak: Gaddafi’s Pen Pal is Obama

CableGate Leak: Gaddafi’s Pen Pal is Obama

The latest round of CableGate documents to filter out from the sexually embattled whistle blower site Wikileaks has Arab leaders in disbelief. According to the published cables, there is a direct connection between the Libyan Leader Muammar* Gadhafi and the United States president Barack Hussein Obama. Continue Reading

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Terrorized by Multiple Wives? You Might be a bin Laden

Terrorized by Multiple Wives? You Might be a bin Laden

Terrorizing innocent, decent people isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. You get stuck sleeping with cretins who stink like deep-fried weasel, constantly eat curry-laced leftovers, and notice, too late, some jerk used all the toilet paper — no wonder Osama bin Laden always resembled a raving lunatic.

But what really sucked him down the pit of despair was shacking up with three wives. Continue Reading

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Pentagon Study Finds Atheist in Foxhole

Pentagon Study Finds Atheist in Foxhole

Deputy Secretary of Defense Scott Turlock spoke from the Pentagon this week to announce news that portends even more paradigm challenges for the United States military forces.

“Well we don’t know how he got there either. Our plate’s pretty full right now just trying to make the new gay policy happen. We’ve asked Congress for money to buy bigger plates, but that’s stuck in conference right now, so we messed up. I know it’s an honored tradition in the military since World War Two, there are no ‘atheists in foxholes’ but turns out there is one.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, War Zone3 Comments

Usama bin Laden, a Touching Eulogy

Usama bin Laden, a Touching Eulogy

VARIOUSLY AROUND D.C. — GlossyNews.com Trump is really pissed — he felt that only 8 years of ‘Mission Accomplished’ was not long enough to have any impact. He said, “America needs a real someone to hate.

I thought I had 2012 sealed in a jar with the Birth Certificate issue but that was blown away when he made it public last week. Much to my displeasure, I had to take all the credit for that reveal. But we lost our one best universal hate. All we, as a country, had left to hate was bin Laden — now a dead bin Laden. What’s to hate there?” Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

Gaddafi Ceasefire Gesture: “My Guerillas Have Put Down Their Arms”

Gaddafi Ceasefire Gesture: “My Guerillas Have Put Down Their Arms”

Tripoli Zoo, Tuesday: In a secret satellite conference last Tuesday, Libyan dictator Muhammar Gaddafi reportedly told NATO he had disarmed all of his Guerrillas and he “no longer wanted bloodlessness.”

“No word of a lie. What I say is true. I have taken away my gorillas arms and I want similarly unarmed peacekeepers to enter the Libyan capital of Tripoli as soon as humanly possible,” said Gaddafi, whose stronghold has until now remained impenetrable. Continue Reading

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Russian Spy Ring Busted-Up in Nudist Camp

Russian Spy Ring Busted-Up in Nudist Camp

Venice, Fla – GlossyNews.com – Where the Sun Don’t Shine Nudist Camp in Venice, Fla was the scene of a recent major FBI raid as agents, posing as nudist camp members, sprang a trap on a dozen alleged Russian spies au naturel.

“This is the first major FBI operation in history in which agents went undercover in the altogether to investigate naked suspects,” says agent Julie Nubilstorm. Continue Reading

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