Archive | War Zone

An Open Letter to Al Queda and its Branch Affiliates

An Open Letter to Al Queda and its Branch Affiliates

Good day, guys. How is it going? Blow up anything fun today? Shoot your quota of infidels yet? OK, sorry you’re having a bad day.

Just a few questions I wanted to ask you guys. (I am assuming you are all guys. I doubt you’ve opened a female branch.)

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

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Posted in Religionism, War Zone2 Comments

Kim Jong Un Can Fix North Korea, And Here’s How

Kim Jong Un Can Fix North Korea, And Here’s How

Since the death of his father, Kim Jong Il, Kim the third has struggled to establish what kind of leader he is. If he’s smart, or even just sagely selfish, he’ll open the country and become the richest man on the planet.

The black market is growing there and it threatens to overtake the legitimate, state-controlled markets. The difference is that there are no taxes collected from the ever-growing black market, regardless of how many bribes are collected daily to look the other way. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

Architects Debate Positive Uses of Nerve Gas

Architects Debate Positive Uses of Nerve Gas

Today in Geneva the International Architects Association (the I. A. ASS) met to discuss their position on the use of nerve gas in warfare. Two factions have argued repeatedly about the issue, but never adopting a formal stance to lobby the United Nations for action.

Spokesman for I. A. ASS, Thomas Buildungsroman, said, “It is obvious we need to come to a consensus to move forward.” The heart of issue is the preservation of architectural sites. Nerve gas kills all the residents and leaves all the buildings intact. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, War Zone0 Comments

America’s Toughest Sheriff to Serve Border Duty in Syria

America’s Toughest Sheriff to Serve Border Duty in Syria

As violence continues to escalate in the Middle East, millions of refugees have been sent packing to neighboring countries. Many with no other choice but to illegally cross borders.

Not one to take illegal border crossings lightly, self-billed “America’s Toughest Sheriff” Joe Arpaio looks to extend his grip of power to borders in the Middle East beginning with Syria. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, War Zone1 Comment

Syria & the Ever-Changing Face of American Patriotism & International Responsibility

Syria & the Ever-Changing Face of American Patriotism & International Responsibility

The American psyche sometimes goes through amazing changes.

12 years ago we couldn’t wait to get our hands on that ultimate harbinger of evil Saddam Hussein and his dire WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION (GASP!!!!!!!) and to send his bad self to an early destiny with Hell (the Muslim one, not the Christian).

Now, faced with a man just as repugnant who REALLY DOES HAVE WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION and HAS actually used them, we just can’t be bothered and think we should not get involved. Continue Reading

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Synchronized Suicide Attacks were Actually a ‘Botched Flash Mob’

Synchronized Suicide Attacks were Actually a ‘Botched Flash Mob’

BAGHDAD – The Pentagon has learned that an April 18 synchronized suicide attack on a marketplace in central Baghdad was the result of a botched flash mob, thought to have been organized by a group of prankster insurgents.

According to intelligence reports, the attack, which killed 44 people and injured 16 more, was originally devised as a seemingly spontaneous and large-scale rendition of U2’s Sweetest Thing. However, pyrotechnic equipment – specifically designed for the flash mob’s intended crescendo – was “accidentally wired with explosives.” Continue Reading

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Declassified Letters Reveal Bin Laden A Truly Beautiful, Gifted Writer

Declassified Letters Reveal Bin Laden A Truly Beautiful, Gifted Writer

WASHINGTON D.C. – A collection of declassified letters written by the late al Qaeda leader, Osama bin Laden, has revealed that the mastermind behind the September 11 attacks was a surprisingly beautiful and disciplined writer.

According to researchers at the US Military Academy, bin Laden, who was killed in a U.S. operation in Pakistan last May, displayed surprisingly intricate transitional development and advanced grammatical understanding throughout the 175-page cache seized by military forces during the raid on the Abbottabad compound. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

Gun Companies Realize More Profit Made Being Patriotic to Taliban than US

Gun Companies Realize More Profit Made Being Patriotic to Taliban than US

A major financial shift has occurred within the gun manufacturing section of the United States Corporate industry. A huge surge has come about in the number of guns and ammunition being clandestinely sold to the Mid East terror organization Al Queda. Continue Reading

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Israel Forces Palestinians In The Occupied Territories To Wear Yellow Star Of David

Israel Forces Palestinians In The Occupied Territories To Wear Yellow Star Of David

Israel, in its constant repression and controlling of the Palestinians living in the areas of the West Bank and Gaza that they keep a tight control over, have started forcing Palestinians to wear a yellow cloth Star Of David on their clothing so that they are easier to identify in public.

Critics have stated that this action is reminiscent of the Nazi’s forcing the Jews in Germany during World War II to also wear a star of David to identify themselves, to which Israeli authorities have replied “Nah, we just do it to humiliate them and to make them a better target for ridicule and abuse. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

Edward Snowden’s Girlfriend Lindsay Mills Just An “Average” Poll Dancer

Edward Snowden’s Girlfriend Lindsay Mills Just An “Average” Poll Dancer

Many supporters of government whistleblower Edward Snowden claim that his girlfriend Lindsay Mills is just an “average” pole dancer with no special attributes.

“I’ve seen Lindsay dance and she ain’t nothing special”, said New York bartender Sal Jennings, 37. “She can’t do handstands. She doesn’t hug the pole in a real sexy way. Really nothing special”.

“I can see why he dumped her”, said 24 year old librarian Stacy Bertalucci. “I’m a librarian and I’m sexier than that!” Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, War Zone0 Comments

Drunken Obama Declares Prima Nocte

Drunken Obama Declares Prima Nocte

WASHINGTON — In a surprise move late last night, President Obama declared “Prima Nocte,” invoking the controversial 16th century feudal statute that allowed noblemen to “call dibs” on any newlywed bride during her first night of marriage.

According to the decree, local politicians – such as mayors and councilmen – reserve the right to procreate with other men’s new brides “freely and without consequence,” provided those young ladies are within their political constituency. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone1 Comment

Obama responds to Benghazi controversy as 15 killed in blast

Obama responds to Benghazi controversy as 15 killed in blast

President Obama defended today his administration’s response to the Benghazi terror attack as a car bomb explosion killed several people near a Benghazi hospital.

“Nobody understood exactly what was taking place during the course of those first few days” Obama said of last year’s attack on the U.S. Embassy in Benghazi as the blast today left at least nine dead, including two children.

His remarks were in response to recent hearings conducted by the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, which began investigating the attack in October of 2012, around the time four bombings killed 15 in Pakistan, 8 in Beirut, 24 in southern Yemen, and 19 in Afghanistan’s northern Balkh Province. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, War Zone1 Comment

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