9/12 Not Remembered

WASHINGTON – Almost eleven years on from the events of the day immediately following the 9/11 terrorist attacks, millions of Americans will spend tomorrow utterly failing to remember 9/12 – a day which involved hourly repeats of the same, non-developing news story across all the major news networks.

The day, which was followed by the equally unremarkable 9/13, 9/14 and 9/15, is expected to see the nation’s 300 million residents go about their business as if nothing had ever happened. Read more 9/12 Not Remembered

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First Ever Taliban Fighter vs. F-16 Combat Footage Released

Kabul, Afghanistan (SatireWorld.com)

An Air Force F-16 scrambled from allied forces Bagram Air Base today as American AWAC radar planes picked up a strange ‘bogey’ heading over the Kush mountain range from the Pakistan border areas.

An Air Force F-16C interceptor was directed to the source of the mysterious radar signature. Read more First Ever Taliban Fighter vs. F-16 Combat Footage Released

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History’s Largest Manhunt Over, Waldo Dead

Aden- The largest manhunt in the war on terror finally comes to a close. Waldo, a.k.a. Wally, Veli, or Al’ Shabaz Mussa Shadif was an American citizen who notably sympathized with Al Quaeda insurgency groups and became an intellectual leader in the movement.

The manhunt started after the U.S. withdrew support of the Mujahideen in Afghanistan, a “slight to the struggle of the Islamic people” by the “imperialists of Washington,” quoted from videos recorded by Waldo while in hiding.

Waldo then took a leadership role in the anti-American activities conducted in the region. Intelligence reports state that Waldo would “hide random objects in various public spaces, most often found by children.” While agencies “would have to redirect focus to find all of these hidden objects before attention could be given on Waldo himself.” These reports also explain how Waldo would taunt law enforcement by “listing how many of these varied objects were hidden in a particular location.”

Although no evidence could be connected with Waldo and specific acts of terrorism, “we know he had a certain level of involvement and an administrative role,” says Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff U.S Army General Martin E. Dempsey.

The search ended when notable Special Forces group, Navy Seal Team 6, carried out a daring night time raid and assassinated the terrorist. Also killed in the raid were Waldo’s wife Wenda, second in command Odlaw, and loyal companion Woof. This raid was conducted soon after the use of predator drones to bomb and kill Wizard Whitebeard at a remote training facility in Pakistan.

According to unnamed sources, the ability to ascertain Waldo’s precise whereabouts were coordinated with Facebook. Facebook was able to help the Central Intelligence Agency with their facial recognition technology, a crucial element to find the seemingly ordinary looking terrorist.

Director of the CIA David Patreas stated that “Wizard Whitebeard was one thing, he fit the profile. Waldo was another case.” He went on to say “Let’s not lose sight of the real victory here, we are keeping Americans safe. The collaborative work of the CIA, Military, and private industry should be applauded.”

The orders to follow through with the assassination came from the president’s office. Barack Obama consented to the infiltration once intelligence reports came back from the precise whereabouts of the known terrorist.

Obama announced that, “justice has finally been served. No longer will American children have to sleep at night wondering where this mad man is. No longer will they have to question if the government can keep them safe from these hidden menaces. We can reassure them that even if a terrorist is hiding on a movie set, a crowded beach, a coven of vampires, or even in what would seem like and endless sea of Waldos, we will find them and kill them.”

A recent member of Seal Team 6, whose identity must be kept a secret, has received much scrutiny for lambasting remarks against President Obama.

He said in an interview, “Obama didn’t kill Waldo, we did. He’s taking credit for the hard work conducted by our servicemen. Our ability to discern whether the target was in fact Waldo or a strategically placed barber’s pole was on our backs.”

Although this would seem like a major victory in the War on Terror, Whitehouse, Pentagon, and CIA officials argue that there are still threats to freedom that still exist in the world. With the death of Waldo and his compatriots, the highest priority to international security agencies is Carmen SanDiego. With her whereabouts still unknown, her ability to elude law enforcement is unprecedented.

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Flex Seal Product Allows Poland to Realize Dream of Screen-Door Submarine

Gdynia – A simple household product has the potential to destabilize the balance of naval power in the Baltic Sea. Two Cold War era Polish submarines, both of which had sunk immediately after their initial launch, were recently raised from the depths of the harbor at the northern Polish port of Gdynia.

While in dry dock, the screen doors of both boats, which Polish officials suspect were the cause of each sinking, were thoroughly sprayed and sealed with Flex Seal, a liquid rubber sealant guaranteed to “coat, seal, and stop leaks fast.” Read more Flex Seal Product Allows Poland to Realize Dream of Screen-Door Submarine

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Obama Charged With NDAA Violation

Hillary Clinton has declined interviews, saying “We will seek our attorneys,” over breaking news that US assistance to Syrian rebels in order to oust the Assad government, could violate the NDAA (National Defense Authorization Act).

Admittedly, the Obama administration is caught between upholding the NDAA, on the one hand, and charging itself on the other, in which case it can be arrested without habeus corpus and held without charge, indefinitely. Read more Obama Charged With NDAA Violation

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Budget Cuts Threaten U.S. Readiness for Unlikely War

Pentagon worried about ability to defend nation against improbable attack by indeterminate enemy.

WASHINGTON – Facing potential budget cuts of $1 trillion over ten years as a result of the U.S. Congress’s failure to agree on a deficit reduction plan, the Pentagon is voicing its concerns about the dangers such a reduction in defense spending poses to national security in an era of growing improbable military threats. Read more Budget Cuts Threaten U.S. Readiness for Unlikely War

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Nuclear Armed N. Korea ‘Posing Grave Threat to U.S. Hopes of Justifying War with Iran’

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA – As President Obama carried out a diplomatic mission to South Korea Saturday, members of congress issued an ultimatum to North Korea over its prospective weapons program, and warned the international community that a nuclear armed North Korea could pose a grave threat to America’s longstanding hopes of justifying a war with Iran. Read more Nuclear Armed N. Korea ‘Posing Grave Threat to U.S. Hopes of Justifying War with Iran’

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Kim Jong-Un Loses Stubby Arms Race

North Korea’s new supreme leader, Kim Jong-Un, has come under fire from his generals for possessing what some would call, “stubby, chubby child-sized arms,” a claim vehemently denied by state media.

“His arms are not stubby!” said state reporter Steel Cementman. “We just haven’t found the proper metric to measure his perfectly diminutive arms.” Read more Kim Jong-Un Loses Stubby Arms Race

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Syrian President’s Approval Rating Plummets to Record Low 112%

DAMASCUS – As bloodshed continues to spread across Damascus and outlying regions of Syria, the country’s embattled President Bashar al-Assad has seen his approval rating plummet to a record low of 112% – with thousands more protesters taking to the streets to demonstrate against his regime. Read more Syrian President’s Approval Rating Plummets to Record Low 112%

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Job Opening: Got What it Takes to be al Qaeda’s New Number 2?

Recently, Al Qaeda’s #2 in command was killed in a drone strike. This makes him the fourth Al Qaeda #2 to be taken out in the past 18 months. In the interest of casting a wider net for possible replacement candidates, the terrorist organization posted a Help Wanted ad on Craig’s List this week. Check it out here. Read more Job Opening: Got What it Takes to be al Qaeda’s New Number 2?

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Military to Balance Budget via Naming Rights

Because of severe military budget reductions, the MetLife Defense Department has begun selling naming rights to major military weapons systems and installations. The AT&T Pentagon, contacted by a senior military correspondent yesterday, said they expect to make millions from corporations eager to have their trademarks on U.S. weapons of mass destruction. Read more Military to Balance Budget via Naming Rights

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Gaddafi Diary Excerpts Released

Libya’s Revolutionary Council announced today the discovery of Colonel Muammar Gaddafi’s personal journals. According to sources, the writings span nearly the entire life of the enigmatic autocrat. The story of how the writings saw daylight is said to be nearly as convoluted as their author. It’s rumored details of the discovery have already been optioned by George Lucas as a possible Indiana Jones script. Read more Gaddafi Diary Excerpts Released

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Palestine Claims Israel Has Gone Too Far

The public posturing of Israel and Palestine continued to escalate as pressure mounts for the long-time rivals to return to the negotiating table. Earlier last month in an address to a joint session of Congress, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu laid out his plan for peace, surprisingly agreeing to return to the pre-1967 borders, to halt all settlement building, and to pay reparations to the refugees and their descendants. Read more Palestine Claims Israel Has Gone Too Far

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Obama Drones On About Using US Military Power in Libya

With France and England approving the use of attack helicopters, President Barack Obama rejected the idea but continued his commitment of using Predator Drone unmanned aircraft against forces loyal to Moammar Gadhafi. Obama continues to cite his decision to use US military power against Gadhafi as a turning point in his Presidency. Read more Obama Drones On About Using US Military Power in Libya

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Opinions & Analysis: A Few Reasons Gaddafi Deserves Respect

Colonel Moammar Kadhaffy is on his way out. There is no denying it (unless you’re him).

But before his body is discovered at the bottom of a bombed-out bunker, or cowering in the corner of a desert spider hole, it is worth remembering some of the dictator’s more inspirational qualities – some of the good things that may not be noted when writing this his soon-to-be-released obituary. Read more Opinions & Analysis: A Few Reasons Gaddafi Deserves Respect

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Terrorized by Multiple Wives? You Might be a bin Laden

Terrorizing innocent, decent people isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. You get stuck sleeping with cretins who stink like deep-fried weasel, constantly eat curry-laced leftovers, and notice, too late, some jerk used all the toilet paper — no wonder Osama bin Laden always resembled a raving lunatic.

But what really sucked him down the pit of despair was shacking up with three wives. Read more Terrorized by Multiple Wives? You Might be a bin Laden

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Pentagon Study Finds Atheist in Foxhole

Deputy Secretary of Defense Scott Turlock spoke from the Pentagon this week to announce news that portends even more paradigm challenges for the United States military forces.

“Well we don’t know how he got there either. Our plate’s pretty full right now just trying to make the new gay policy happen. We’ve asked Congress for money to buy bigger plates, but that’s stuck in conference right now, so we messed up. I know it’s an honored tradition in the military since World War Two, there are no ‘atheists in foxholes’ but turns out there is one.” Read more Pentagon Study Finds Atheist in Foxhole

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