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Intelligence Suggests France May Have a Military

Intelligence Suggests France May Have a Military

Washington DC- Senior pentagon officials have released a statement where they have confirmed the long speculated existence of a French military.

“We were just scanning Africa, you know, because we were bored,” says an off the record source. “And because we were especially bored, we happened to scan over Mali. You would not believe what we found there. A French military.”

Other sources verify the claims made by US Military intelligence.

“There, in fact, seems to be some sort of military capability coming from France,” Explains Sierra Santiago of the American Red Cross.

RIGHT: Silly hats have been a clear distinction of tracking down French military personel.
(CLICK TO ENLARGE)

“We were just responding to a request of the Malian government in regards to prisoners of war. Then it turns out, the French were the ones who captured them. Go figure.”

Although the French Military has been typically regarded as a welcoming committee by many respectable historians and the public alike.

When asked about the possibility of the existence of a French military threat, President Barack Obama responded after a brief moment of laughter. He said, “I have met with the French prime minister, and he reassured me that they did not have a military.”

Jean-Marc Ayrault, Prime Minister of France, responded by reassuring the international community that France does indeed have a capable and powerful military. He then hastily drew a picture of a tank and insisted it was satellite footage.

Secretary of Defense, Leon Panetta reassured a room full of wrestles reporters that, “ It doesn’t matter if they do or do not have a military. I remain fairly confident that it would have very little impact utilized in any capacity.”

Francios Hollande, President and Commander in Chief of the French military pleaded, “Does every one think Al-Quaeda of the Maghreb just left Gao?”

This drew nothing but blank stares from the reporters present at the press conference.

Hollande responded by exclaiming, “It’s the biggest city in Mali!”

When questioned about the ordeal, Vice President Joe Biden commented by saying, “French Military? You mean French manicure, ha. Am I right? Seriously, French military is an oxymoron. Its pretty easy to attack Libya when you got our kick ass drones backing you up.”

At this time, the speculations still remain uncorroborated with high profile arguments going either way. Although there seems to be hard evidence for the existence of a French military, there doesn’t seem to be much effect from it.

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Senator Warns of Impending Attack on Family Values

Senator Warns of Impending Attack on Family Values

A US Senator is drawing the nation’s attention after publicizing a report suggesting an attack on family values is imminent.

Addressing a hastily-organized press conference Friday morning, Senator Tate Williams of Arkansas explained that his staff on the United States Senate Select Committee on Intelligence has intercepted reports of planned military action against family values in America by the Liberal Looney and Gay Alliance of California (the LLGAC). Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, War Zone2 Comments

Video Game Review: Presidential Drone Hit List

Video Game Review: Presidential Drone Hit List

Summary

Presidential Drone Hit List makes you work to find the people you’re supposed to kill, but the job of doing so is relatively easy and without risk.

RIGHT: Presidential Drone Hit List (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Continue Reading

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Obama Promises Drone Strikes are Not “Lip-Synced”

Obama Promises Drone Strikes are Not “Lip-Synced”

WASHINGTON D.C.–Following the controversial lip-syncing performance by singing sensation Beyonce Knowles at the inauguration a couple weeks ago, a pall of skepticism has hung over much of the administration’s policies and decisions, both current and past.

One seldom discussed but extremely crucial aspect of his legacy is at the forefront: the ongoing and widespread campaign against terror in Yemen, Pakistan, and Afghanistan. Continue Reading

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American Revolution Staged to Pass Second Amendment

American Revolution Staged to Pass Second Amendment

Recently discovered communication between key Founding Fathers and the kings of both England and France has brought into question what has always been considered historical fact: specifically, America’s War of Independence from Great Britain.

This new evidence is pointing historians not to a war motivated by ideology and autonomy but to a grandly orchestrated pretext for wider gun usage. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, War Zone7 Comments

Researchers Discover Why Assad Has No Problem Slaughtering His Own People

Researchers Discover Why Assad Has No Problem Slaughtering His Own People

A psychological investigative group has been studying why trained, professional medical people have been able to turn their back on their helping of their fellow man and resort to barbarianism as evidenced especially in Bashar al-Assad, the dictator of Syria who has no problem annihilating his own people.

Other famous historical medical giants who have turned into butchers are Radovan Karadzic, the former psychiatrist who lead Serbians to commit atrocities on captured Bosnians and Croatians. Continue Reading

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NRA Suggestion to Weed Out Crazies Met w/ Unexpected Results

NRA Suggestion to Weed Out Crazies Met w/ Unexpected Results

The US government has decided to do what the NRA says and instead of not letting people buy a lot of guns and bullets that the would try to find the crazy people and just stop them from getting them.

As anyone knows, guns and bullets are just innocent formed pieces of metal that, of their own accord, would never want to hurt an ant. No. It is when bad people or crazy people get a hold of them and do bad things. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, War Zone2 Comments

China Becomes Puppet State of Malta

China Becomes Puppet State of Malta

News sources from the Far East are reporting that a successful coup has brought the People’s Republic of China under Maltese control as a puppet state.

Sleeper agents from the island nation are believed to have been activated last evening in Beijing and proceeded to capture major instruments of government, including the Communist Party Central Committee and Central Military Commission. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News1 Comment

Luxembourg Annexes Germany

Luxembourg Annexes Germany

The European community is in shock following Luxembourg’s decision to deploy troops and annex the Federal Republic of Germany.

According to preliminary reports, Luxembourger troops entered the province of North Rhine-Westphalia early Thursday morning and proceeded through Lower Saxony towards Berlin.

By late Saturday the capitol had surrendered, allowing the invading troops to push south and take Bavaria. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News3 Comments

Heartwarming Story Emerges out of Massacre in Sudan

Heartwarming Story Emerges out of Massacre in Sudan

While unearthing a mass grave in the South of Sudan, a country where religious division fuels an ethnic cleansing that provides a bloody front for a resource war, a Red Cross forensics worker found a puppy, alive among the remains of the murdered Sudanese Villagers.

It was during final stages of corpse inventory, assigning a gender and age to each body for statistical analysis needed for fund raising campaigns, when excavator Lois Cambridge heard a whimper. After the bodies were cleared away, the puppy was found, emaciated, wounded and clinging to life in the knee-deep sludge of decaying human viscera. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News1 Comment

NPR Coverage of Petraeus Affair Interrupted by Annoying, Irrelevant Report on Syria Slaughter

NPR Coverage of Petraeus Affair Interrupted by Annoying, Irrelevant Report on Syria Slaughter

WASHINGTON D.C. – National Public Radio came under attack from various sections of the mainstream media Tuesday, after its scheduled coverage of the ongoing General David Petreaus affair was bizarrely interrupted by an in-depth report on the most recent and non-news-worthy slaughter in Syria.

Insisting that NPR “ignored its duty to prioritize information that was very much in the public interest”, a spokesperson for CNN said that “it was extremely irresponsible (of NPR) to give violence in Damascus such overwhelming attention at the expense of letting the American people know how one of our most decorated generals cheated on his wife of 38 years.” Continue Reading

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Patraeus Regrets Affair, Mainly “Getting Found Out”

Patraeus Regrets Affair, Mainly “Getting Found Out”

Former CIA director David Patraeus has confided that he deeply regrets much about his affair with biographer Paula Broadwell, but chief among his regrets is that the affair was discovered and made public.

“He regrets that affair on so many levels”, a close associate of his revealed, “but what he regrets the most is the fact that he got found out. For him that’s the part of it that really sucks.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, War Zone1 Comment

9/12 Not Remembered

9/12 Not Remembered

WASHINGTON – Almost eleven years on from the events of the day immediately following the 9/11 terrorist attacks, millions of Americans will spend tomorrow utterly failing to remember 9/12 – a day which involved hourly repeats of the same, non-developing news story across all the major news networks.

The day, which was followed by the equally unremarkable 9/13, 9/14 and 9/15, is expected to see the nation’s 300 million residents go about their business as if nothing had ever happened. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone0 Comments

First Ever Taliban Fighter vs. F-16 Combat Footage Released

First Ever Taliban Fighter vs. F-16 Combat Footage Released

Kabul, Afghanistan (SatireWorld.com)

An Air Force F-16 scrambled from allied forces Bagram Air Base today as American AWAC radar planes picked up a strange ‘bogey’ heading over the Kush mountain range from the Pakistan border areas.

An Air Force F-16C interceptor was directed to the source of the mysterious radar signature. Continue Reading

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History’s Largest Manhunt Over, Waldo Dead

History’s Largest Manhunt Over, Waldo Dead

Aden- The largest manhunt in the war on terror finally comes to a close. Waldo, a.k.a. Wally, Veli, or Al’ Shabaz Mussa Shadif was an American citizen who notably sympathized with Al Quaeda insurgency groups and became an intellectual leader in the movement.

The manhunt started after the U.S. withdrew support of the Mujahideen in Afghanistan, a “slight to the struggle of the Islamic people” by the “imperialists of Washington,” quoted from videos recorded by Waldo while in hiding.

Waldo then took a leadership role in the anti-American activities conducted in the region. Intelligence reports state that Waldo would “hide random objects in various public spaces, most often found by children.” While agencies “would have to redirect focus to find all of these hidden objects before attention could be given on Waldo himself.” These reports also explain how Waldo would taunt law enforcement by “listing how many of these varied objects were hidden in a particular location.”

Although no evidence could be connected with Waldo and specific acts of terrorism, “we know he had a certain level of involvement and an administrative role,” says Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff U.S Army General Martin E. Dempsey.

The search ended when notable Special Forces group, Navy Seal Team 6, carried out a daring night time raid and assassinated the terrorist. Also killed in the raid were Waldo’s wife Wenda, second in command Odlaw, and loyal companion Woof. This raid was conducted soon after the use of predator drones to bomb and kill Wizard Whitebeard at a remote training facility in Pakistan.

According to unnamed sources, the ability to ascertain Waldo’s precise whereabouts were coordinated with Facebook. Facebook was able to help the Central Intelligence Agency with their facial recognition technology, a crucial element to find the seemingly ordinary looking terrorist.

Director of the CIA David Patreas stated that “Wizard Whitebeard was one thing, he fit the profile. Waldo was another case.” He went on to say “Let’s not lose sight of the real victory here, we are keeping Americans safe. The collaborative work of the CIA, Military, and private industry should be applauded.”

The orders to follow through with the assassination came from the president’s office. Barack Obama consented to the infiltration once intelligence reports came back from the precise whereabouts of the known terrorist.

Obama announced that, “justice has finally been served. No longer will American children have to sleep at night wondering where this mad man is. No longer will they have to question if the government can keep them safe from these hidden menaces. We can reassure them that even if a terrorist is hiding on a movie set, a crowded beach, a coven of vampires, or even in what would seem like and endless sea of Waldos, we will find them and kill them.”

A recent member of Seal Team 6, whose identity must be kept a secret, has received much scrutiny for lambasting remarks against President Obama.

He said in an interview, “Obama didn’t kill Waldo, we did. He’s taking credit for the hard work conducted by our servicemen. Our ability to discern whether the target was in fact Waldo or a strategically placed barber’s pole was on our backs.”

Although this would seem like a major victory in the War on Terror, Whitehouse, Pentagon, and CIA officials argue that there are still threats to freedom that still exist in the world. With the death of Waldo and his compatriots, the highest priority to international security agencies is Carmen SanDiego. With her whereabouts still unknown, her ability to elude law enforcement is unprecedented.

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Posted in Crime, War Zone2 Comments

Flex Seal Product Allows Poland to Realize Dream of Screen-Door Submarine

Flex Seal Product Allows Poland to Realize Dream of Screen-Door Submarine

Gdynia – A simple household product has the potential to destabilize the balance of naval power in the Baltic Sea. Two Cold War era Polish submarines, both of which had sunk immediately after their initial launch, were recently raised from the depths of the harbor at the northern Polish port of Gdynia.

While in dry dock, the screen doors of both boats, which Polish officials suspect were the cause of each sinking, were thoroughly sprayed and sealed with Flex Seal, a liquid rubber sealant guaranteed to “coat, seal, and stop leaks fast.” Continue Reading

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