Category: Science & Technologizzy
It’ll Take More Than A Lousy Thunderstorm to Stop Man Making Stupid Decision to Go Walking During A Thunderstorm
INDIANAPOLIS – Not content to just sit at home, local man Brian Caskey insists it’ll take more than this lousy-ass thunderstorm to prevent him from making the stupid and highly irresponsible decision to go walking during a thunderstorm. Heading out…
Portland: Fluoride is the Least of Your Worries
In Portland, Oregon today, many citizens are worried about fluoride and its potential effects such that they have voted against its inclusion in their water supply four times in the last six decades. However, what Portlanders seem to be unaware…
WebMD-diagnosed Man Definitely Has AIDS, or Possibly Just Eczema
DES MOINES, IOWA — It was reported earlier today that local farmer Henry Myopic “definitely [has] AIDS… or maybe eczema.” The 73-year-old Myopic, who regularly checks the WebMD website in an effort to pinpoint his assorted ailments, was able to…
NASA Locates 3 New Earth-like Planets That Could Theoretically Support Death
CAPE CANAVERAL, FLA — The NASA Program recently announced that their scientists have located three new Earth-like planets, each of which could theoretically support death. According to NASA’s lead researcher Dr. Hans Von Gunn, “Using our Kepler satellite, we were…
Report: 10% of Facebook Users Unaware Others Can See Their Posts
PALO ALTO, CALIF — In a recent Pew Research Center study, a reported 10% of Facebook users are oblivious to the fact that other people can see what they write. The study alleges that of that 10% of naive morons,…
How much do five hipsters weigh? (comic)
It’s a non-sequitur from the word “don’t go,” but apparently it’s been asked, so we’ll address it. How much do five hipsters weigh? Surely this is the pressing question of our time, and one that deserves front-page news attention, even…
“Rainbow” Comes Out as Heterosexual
In what is being hailed as the most highly viewed TV moment of all time, the Rainbow came out of the cosmic closet yesterday and announced on the Ellen Show that she is, in fact, a heterosexual. For much of…
How the Scan-Tron Actually Got Its Name (comic)
We’ve all been there. You had to use a #2 pencil, as if any other option was available at the store, and fill in the bubbles completely. But do you know the origin of the test? Do you know how…
Flood Warnings Issued After God Knocks Back 8 Cans of Miller Lite
INDIANAPOLIS – The national weather service has issued severe flood warnings across most of the Midwest ahead of this weekend, after His Lordship Almighty God went on a Friday night drinking binge. According to heavenly sources, God – hosting a…
Why did the hipster boycott the solar eclipse? (comic)
Kind of a hard thing to boycott, an act of nature such as that. I guess you can bury your head in the sand and just pretend it didn’t happen, but why would you? A question only a hipster could…