Stars Align; It’s Not Your Week (horoscopes)

This week, many disturbing things are going to happen and the Stars are giddy like school girls that they get to watch.*

RIGHT: The sign of Cancer. My wife was a cancer, which is kind of ironic considering how she died; the crabs.

Aries: No matter what you tell yourself, The Stars want you to know that saying, “Yeah but it was a girl panda,” isn’t going to make this any less weird.

Taurus: The Stars see you talking to many angry people this week. Of course they have a point as it would have been more polite to ask prior to harvesting their kidneys.

Gemini: It’s true that things with a one in a million chance of occurring are happening all the time and all around you. The Stars have to admit though that it’s a bit of a puzzler why the bad ones always seem to happen to you.

Cancer: With hurricane season coming The Stars think this is a good time to gather essential emergency supplies in case there is a major storm. To avoid what happened last year though; The Stars also want to remind you that Puerto Rican street queens are not emergency essential supplies.

Leo: Hey, Orson Scott Card, The Stars finally read Ender’s Game. Dude, There’s a major scene in the book with boys wrestling in a shower, naked. Seriously, that’s pretty creepy. The Stars want you to know that after reading that, your ranting about gay marriage comes off more like self-loathing than righteous indignation. Just saying.

Virgo: Hey there mister! That’s Lindsy Lohan’s back you’re snorting a line of blow off of. Show some respect and get a hotel room instead of doing it next to the dumpster behind Spagos.

Libra: After you’re bombarded with cosmic rays you’ll discover you suddenly have the ability to read the minds of animals. You’ll just as quickly discover, after finding out what your cat really think of you that some things are better left unknown.

Scorpio: When the ragged few survivors piece together the history of the war that destroyed civilization and brought humanity to the brink of extinction, they’ll discover that it was your imprudent use of the cc line that started it all.

Sagittarius: You’ll find out how both strong and agile human statue street performers can be after a very poorly-considered game of increasingly provocative attempts to get them to move goes terribly wrong.

Capricorn: The Stars recognize that it’s important sometimes to think of yourself first. However, after you’re safely in the lifeboat, letting the other survivors drown is really going to be kind of a dick move.

Aquarius: Run! Hide! After months of brooding over his election loss Mitt Romney has finally snapped and he’s hunting down everyone who made a magic underwear joke on their Face Book page. He’s coming for you!

Pisces: Your all thrust no vector amorous nature will soon lead you to engage in the most disgusting Arbor Day observance in history.

* Editor’s note: We do not mean to imply that our experience tells us school girls ‘like to watch’, but that, if you, you see, oh never mind. It’s not like that!

Author: CraigW

After being told that limiting my humor to only FaceBook friends was depriving the world of joy and happiness I tried to write for the "Onion". They said no. I came here.