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Your Horoscope, You’re so Screwed

Your Horoscope, You’re so Screwed

Aries: Your love of casual nudity and disregard for the warning labels on table saws will bring you a certain amount of fame in the medical community this week. Henceforth, genital reattachment after an industrial accident will be known as an “insert your name here” procedure.

Taurus: The Stars realize your ego might be taking a hit. However, they think you should just accept the free electrolysis being offered by several beach resorts as a condition of your visit this summer.

Gemini: The Stars aren’t judging your need to be occasionally berated by gypsies. However, keeping one prisoner in your basement for that express purpose just isn’t cool.

Cancer: Look, The Stars aren’t saying you don’t have a right to express yourself. However, Kim Jong Un started this whole escalation of rhetoric thing after he read on your blog that you call him “lunch box”. Come on, people can be sensitive about their weight. The Stars bet that if you say you’re sorry Kim will return the missiles to storage.

Leo: Would you stop telling everyone what’s going to happen next on “Downton Abby” already? We get it; the Aristocracy all but disappeared in the face of industrialization and the rise of the middle class. You’re missing the point of historical fiction.

Virgo: While the “Saw a Volunteer from the Audience in Half” trick is an old standard for magicians, you’ll wish you’d read the reviews from this guy’s last show right before you start wishing even more urgently that Bactine came in larger bottles.

Libra: Stop worrying. It’s not that everything is going to be all right, it’s just that the flesh eating bacteria has progressed so far that there’s nothing anyone can do about it.
Scorpio: You always wanted to be an internet sensation. However, the viral video of you wetting yourself while the Somali pirates make their ransom demands won’t be exactly what you had in mind.

Sagittarius: You’re going to be wishing the stories you’ve heard about what goes on in Ethiopian prisons are greatly exaggerated. The Stars really have to tell you, there’s no reason to optimistic on this point.

Capricorn: The Stars would like to say that you shouldn’t take it personally when all the other doomsday-prepers stop attempting to survive the coming apocalypse after learning that you’re preparing too. Of course, there’s really no way to not take it personally when whole groups of people prefer extinction to having to share the Earth with you.

Aquarius: With Jupiter in your relationship house it’s normally a good time to reconnect with extended family. However, since you were raised by wolves and the pack is still mad about your attempt to take over as the alpha male The Stars don’t recommend it. Uncle Snuffles still wants to tear your throat out.

Pisces: It’s a good day to stand up to a bully. Your little sister will still shove your head in a toilet and stuff you in a locker but you’ll have finally stood up to her and you’ll get a small piece of your dignity back, briefly.


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After being told that limiting my humor to only FaceBook friends was depriving the world of joy and happiness I tried to write for the "Onion". They said no. I came here.


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