Aries: The Stars understand and sympathize with your plan to move to either Amsterdam or Berlin where you feel people with your particular, shall we say interests are better accepted.
However, The Stars have to warn you that even the residents of those two bastions of tolerance are going to look at what you’re into and say, “man, that’s fucked up”.
Taurus: Your entry in the contest celebrating April as National Poetry Writing Month will cause the judges to create a new category of “Most Offensive Dirty Limerick Ever”.
The life time achievement award that you will be offered in recognition of this is going to be conditional on your agreement to never enter a poetry writing contest again. As proud as you may be, your friends and family will not see this as a cause for celebration.
Gemini: While certain non-traditional, for lack of a better word, lifestyles such as same sex marriage have been gaining ground in public acceptance, The Stars wish to warn you that your hopes that your fetish for leg humping bronze statutes of Warren G. Harding will gain similar tolerance are misplaced.
Cancer: Your skills at multitasking and prioritization will be tested to their limits this week when your venomous snake infested house catches fire.
Leo: Sadly, your fame at being the first to discover a species of carnivorous butterflies will be short lived.
Virgo: The pope may have the stomach to kiss the feet of Italian juvenile offenders. However, during repeat performance, you’ll be made famous by the The Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church when he vomits all over you at the site of the fungicide resistant civilization growing between your toes.
Libra: The Stars see a violent and untimely death at the hands of very embarrassed and irate physicists shortly after you, while balancing your checkbook, disprove the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principal and accidently find the location and velocity of an electron in an atom at the same time.
Scorpio: Media commentators and sociologists have long observed that there is a war on reason and excellence in society today. The Stars think you need to run and hide. The forces of excellence are going to start fighting back and they’ve selected you as their first target.
Sagittarius: The Stars see you talking to many well educated people today, mostly doctors and lawyers. This isn’t good for you but it won’t be as bad as what’s going to happen to the first customers of your ill-advised venture to join the space tourism industry.
Capricorn: It’s understandable that you’re upset that George Lucas sold the “Star Wars” franchise to Disney. However, and there’s just really no easy way to tell you this, before you storm the corporate headquarters to prevent a seventh movie from being made, you just need to finally understand that light-sabers aren’t real.
Aquarius: The Stars are not in any way endorsing your planned practical joke on the arachnophobia support group. They do however wish to point out that they believe the explosive charges you’ve placed to collapse the ceiling tiles over the group’s meeting are too powerful and will likely kill all the spiders concealed therein.
Pisces: You may feel like friends and family are ganging up on you. This is probably because your loved ones think your obsession with online strip pachinko tournaments has gone too far and it’s time for an intervention.