Category: Horoscopes
Star Sign Reassignment Continues To Promote Controversy
Astrologers remain divided about the increasing number of people choosing to undergo Star Sign Reassignment. As little as ten years ago it was believed that natal charts were fixed at the time of birth, and that lives would inevitably follow…
Your Horoscope, You’re so Screwed
Aries: Your love of casual nudity and disregard for the warning labels on table saws will bring you a certain amount of fame in the medical community this week. Henceforth, genital reattachment after an industrial accident will be known as…
Stars Align; It’s Not Your Week (horoscopes)
This week, many disturbing things are going to happen and the Stars are giddy like school girls that they get to watch.* RIGHT: The sign of Cancer. My wife was a cancer, which is kind of ironic considering how she…
Your Very Wrong on so Many Levels Horoscopes
Aries: The Stars understand and sympathize with your plan to move to either Amsterdam or Berlin where you feel people with your particular, shall we say interests are better accepted. However, The Stars have to warn you that even the…
Your Horoscope for the Week of March 25th, 2013
The stars can see your future and they want to give you the bad news before someone else gets to. For never-ending horoscopes, check out our Random Horoscope Generator. RIGHT: A graphic of the incorrect version of astral superstition, but…
Proof Horoscopes Are Bunk: The Random Horoscope Generator
I’ve known these things were bogus since I was in about 6th grade, shortly after my librarian taught me about Barnum statements. This page proves it. From there I learned about math and probability and realized that there’s zero chance…
Psychic Doesn’t See Police Coming
Police have issued a statement confirming the arrest of a crystal ball reader in California. Known only as Mystic Mary Star Moon Shine Peters, the crystal ball reader was believed to have been arrested on charges of ‘false prediction’. Mystic…
Horoscopes by Catman, Dude
Welcome once again to the astrological stylings of Catman, Dude—the only seer who is not afraid to ask, “How the hell am I supposed to know?” Mr. Dude is an award-winning prognosticator who is half-cat, half-human, and half-assed. The Dude’s…
Horoscopes by Catman, Dude
Otherwise rational people often underestimate the power that certain gemstones, colors, and musical notes exert on their lives, especially the parts that haven’t occurred yet. Catman, Dude has addressed this problem in the past by plugging people into the associations…
Albacoreascopes
It’s with fanfare most mediocre Glossy News ho-humfully ushers in the newest in its long running series of helpful astrological readings tailored not to the vague and unimaginable reader, but to one so very specific we can’t even imagine whom…