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Glenn Beck Saves TheBlaze by Not Offering Sarah Palin Job

Glenn Beck Saves TheBlaze by Not Offering Sarah Palin Job

God knows I love her, but we can’t have that kinda crazy around here ~ Glenn Beck

Glenn Beck says that when he heard Sarah Palin was leaving Fox News, he couldn’t have been happier.

“Now she will make something of herself, like I did,” he said proudly, adding “There is, after all, life after Fox.”

When Beck was fired from Fox back in the middle of 2011, many wondered if he’d ever recover from that mighty slap in the face by Roger Ailes. They aren’t wondering any longer, however. The answer is “No, he didn’t recover…yet.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes0 Comments

TPP Set to Shut Down Media Outlets

TPP Set to Shut Down Media Outlets

In a twist that will come as a shock to everyday users of the Internet, the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) could permanently close down the websites of newspapers across the World Wide Web.

“The problem is the very broad language of the intellectual property chapter,” explained Senator Ron Wyden, who finally received a transcript of each round of negotiations thus far last week. “It doesn’t talk about ‘copyright infringement’, but instead speaks of ‘copyright theft’. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Internets Tubes1 Comment

Proof Horoscopes Are Bunk: The Random Horoscope Generator

Proof Horoscopes Are Bunk: The Random Horoscope Generator

I’ve known these things were bogus since I was in about 6th grade, shortly after my librarian taught me about Barnum statements. This page proves it.

From there I learned about math and probability and realized that there’s zero chance all people born in the same 30-odd-day period could possibly have the same fate. It just defies probability, reason, and even the ever-wiggly common sense. But this page proves it. Continue Reading

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Posted in Horoscopes, Internets Tubes1 Comment

Even Grandma Thinks Bingo is Old School

Even Grandma Thinks Bingo is Old School

In the United States, bingo was originally called “beano”. No, it wasn’t a racial epithet, even though many aged Americans may also use it thusly. No, it was a game played at fairs where a dealer would select numbered discs from a cigar box and players would mark their cards with, wait for it, beans.

When they won, they’d holler out, “beano!” and claim their prize. Perhaps a jar of yams or a nice single wool sock, I don’t know what they gave out at fairs back then, but some speculate it was mostly polio. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Internets Tubes0 Comments

Glossy News 2013 Predictions: It’s going to snow a lot… somewhere… eventually

Glossy News 2013 Predictions: It’s going to snow a lot… somewhere… eventually

Every year since Glossy News first started publishing during the Truman Administration, we have made bold predictions about the year ahead – in politics, world affairs, pop culture and advances in cutlery.

Our staff possesses an uncanny ability to peer into the future and predict fascinating events no other prognosticators are able to see. The fact that our predictions historically have had about as much chance of coming true as Lady Gaga has of becoming the next Pope is the only small blemish tarnishing our otherwise stellar reputation. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Opinon/Editorial1 Comment

Top GlossyNews.com Articles of 2012

Top GlossyNews.com Articles of 2012

For the first time in our 10+ years of publishing, we’re getting in on the end-of-year “top lists” game with a list of our top 10, well, 30 actually, stories of 2012.

These are broken into three lists. Top Stories of 2012, Top Stories from our Archives, and Top sub-site pages.

Everything is linked, so feel free to click on as many as you like. All links open in new windows. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes2 Comments

Multimillionaire McAfee Mucks Up Murder Mystery In Middle America

Multimillionaire McAfee Mucks Up Murder Mystery In Middle America

McAfee, is one of the world’s most used internet security websites. It is used to protect the computer user from computer viruses and other threats that can attack his machine while he is online.

Also now famous is the web creator himself, John McAfee. The multimillionaire, now a few million lighter than he was in his heyday, has been living the life of Reilly down in Belize, South America. Or rather, more like the life of Hefner. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Strange People4 Comments

Interview w/ Dean Chambers from UnSkewedPolls.com – Part II

Interview w/ Dean Chambers from UnSkewedPolls.com – Part II

We recently ran an interview with conservative poll smoker Dean Chambers from UnSkewedPolls.com. It quickly became our top article and my offer to post a second part from questions that were not asked was highly requested.

So rather than dig through and post questions that weren’t considered good enough for the first run I asked Mr. Chambers if he’d be willing to conduct a second interview, and to my delight, he accepted the offer. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Politics0 Comments

CIA Internal Advisory: Secure Communications Guidelines

CIA Internal Advisory: Secure Communications Guidelines

Dear colleagues,

In light of recent developments, we would like to advise all agency personnel about the use of certain communications channels and processes which may not be sufficiently secure. Please pay attention to the new guidelines below.

1. Don’t use a shared Gmail account’s drafts folder to exchange messages with colleagues, confidential informants, or extramarital partners. Even your teenagers are not that stupid. Instead, if you want to ensure that no one else will see your message, post it on Google Plus+. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes1 Comment

GlossyNews.com Proves Its Might ala Petitions

GlossyNews.com Proves Its Might ala Petitions

After our amazing success with the 62-articles we ran on election day, we were emboldened to go a bit futher. We authored a pair of White House petitions, and both of them went live to the White House site.

One was serious, one was flippant, and both of them got enough signatures thanks to our readers and sphere of influence that they went live on the White House petition website. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Internets Tubes1 Comment

Election Day 2012, Wall-to-Wall Coverage… Seriously

Election Day 2012, Wall-to-Wall Coverage… Seriously

GlossyNews.com – Welcome to GlossyNews’ election day coverage. We’re running about three stories per hour, though more during the peak of the evening, so keep it here and we’ll feed you, baby bird.

ALL ELECTION DAY 2012 HEADLINES

You want the news from around the country, and you better bet your sweet ass, we’ve got the news for you. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Politics10 Comments

GlossyNews Staff Shocked By Layoff Notices

GlossyNews Staff Shocked By Layoff Notices

In a surprising development this morning layoff notices were delivered to the 45 employees of the company who work in the print division. This was an unexpected move coming so close on the heels of the recent tenth anniversary.

Locked in a heated battle for overall supremacy of the satire market with long time rival The Onion, GlossyNews has consistently shown class and humor while it’s competitor has only occasionally shown either. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes2 Comments

Holy Lord, We’re the 2nd Longest Running Satire Site!

Holy Lord, We’re the 2nd Longest Running Satire Site!

“Holy tap-dancing Christ,” said editor Brian K. White on Monday, when he realized that GlossyNews.com is in fact the second longest running satire site on the internet.

“There were so many greats that came before us, and sure it was just by a narrow margin, but they did beat us,” said White. “And I know a lot of the other ones fell [offline], but I didn’t realize it was down to just us and The Onion.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes7 Comments

Apple/Reddit Lawsuit: Biden Too Good for Kitty PrAwN$?

Apple/Reddit Lawsuit: Biden Too Good for Kitty PrAwN$?

Apple today filed suit against the popular user community site Reddit over the use of a picture of Joe Biden during the vice-presidential debate.

Apple believes that they were first to claim use of the image as the logo for their Facetime application.

Reddit on the other hand, believes they were first to claim it for use as the avatar for their thread of, how shall we put this delicately, “pictures of teenage girls”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes3 Comments

Iranian News Agency Goof: Thought Onion Spoof About Rednecks Liking Ahmajinadad was Real

Iranian News Agency Goof: Thought Onion Spoof About Rednecks Liking Ahmajinadad was Real

Note to readers, this article is an experiment in new software equipment that makes the material visible to the public reading audience as it is typed and being viewed by an editor.

It reflects an effort by the journalistic community to get the latest news and writings out to the reading community with as little delay and interference as possible. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Internets Tubes4 Comments

The Rumble: Stewart vs. O’Reilly… Stewart Won

The Rumble: Stewart vs. O’Reilly… Stewart Won

This wasn’t the most anticipated pay-per-view event of the year, but it was big enough to crash the livestream servers.

Sure it was only $5 a pop, but half the money went to charity, and at the end of the night, only one winner would emerge; Jon Stewart.

I’m writing this not to stay on the cutting edge of satire, but as a public service. I paid my $4.95 to watch it on-demand, and for these 90-minutes of equal partisan banter, it was well worth it. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Television1 Comment

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