WHAT?! Putin Accuses UK Gov Of Satirical, Russian Double Agent Murder In Moscow

The Kremlin has angrily accused the British Government of assassinating an ex-MI6 double agent, resident in Moscow.

Alexei Smithski was crushed to death last week when a large, trapezoidal, cast iron weight, labelled ‘10 Tons’ fell on his head. Moscow has strongly asserted that the manner of the death conclusively implicates the British Government.

The Moscow police department, who investigated the incident, concluded that the complex sequence of events that culminated in the fatality began when a candle had been lit. That candle had been situated at one end of a tall, rickety, wooden structure which had mysteriously been erected in Red Square.

The candle had burned through a rope which had caused the release of a large, metal ball from a box at the top of the wooden structure.

The ball had then rolled down a curving track and struck a knob which had released water from an upper reservoir into a lower one. The weight of water in the lower reservoir had caused a lever to tilt and hit the first of a row of domino-like slabs. These slabs had sequentially collapsed onto each other – felling each successive slab in turn.

The final collapse had triggered the release mechanism of a spring loaded knife which had rapidly rotated horizontally and severed the rope from which the fatal weight had been suspended.

The weight had then fallen upon Mr Smithski, who had been standing directly below it.

Theresa May stated in the House of Commons that Britain had had absolutely nothing to do with the incident, and listed 194 alternative countries that might have been responsible.

Russian intelligence has countered by asserting there to be no plausible alternative explanation other than a British government plot. They point to illustrations of similar offensive devices drawn during both World Wars by the English cartoonist and illustrator, William Heath Robinson.

International observers have also noted that the design of the murder apparatus was, indeed, characteristically British – being quite different, for example, from comparable American technology. Such as that used by Wile E. Coyote, in his attempts to stop Road Runner!

Nikolay Defectorvitch, a Russian expert living in the UK, explained that the Russians would have been surprised at this response to their attempted murder of Sergei and Yulia Skripal in Salisbury, England.

‘When planning the attack on the Skripals and the Russian denial,’ Mr Defectorvitch noted, ‘Putin would have taken no account of the British sense of humour. The UK appears to have retaliated, however, with a clearly British form of assassination that is even more bizarre and over-complicated than the administration of a nerve agent. They have then totally denied any involvement – Moscow style.

‘By doing so,’ Mr Defectorvitch concluded, ‘Downing Street has, what you British call, “taken the piss,” in a manner that no foreigner could possibly emulate.’

It is currently unclear how Vladimir Putin will react to being satirised in such a direct and public manner. Some observers speculate that the only response that might satisfy his ego would be an all-out nuclear war.

In preparation for such a scenario, British Government satirists are said to be urgently developing a brilliant, devastating piece of sardonic wit to be the final message broadcast by any member of the human race.

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Author: Swan Morrison

Swan Morrison is the pen name of Brian Huggett. Brian lives with his wife and a cat named Blackie in Hampshire, England. He has been publishing work on the Internet and in print since 2001. In 2006, he created the Short Humour Site at http://www.short-humour.org.uk for comedy writing of around 500 words. He has published three books of his own Short Humour - each containing one hundred stories, dialogues, poems, letters, spoof news reports, articles and songs. These books are called: A Man of Few Words, A Man of a Few More Words, A Man of Yet a Few More Words. In addition, ten comic songs which were published in A Man of a Few More Words are also available in The Swan Morrison Songbook. Swan published his first novel, Judgement Day, in September 2014 and a novella, Deep Black, in September 2015. He is currently working on the sequel to Judgement Day called Until the End of Time. In addition to his own writing, Swan Morrison has published five other books - each of which contains Short Humour by fifty different contributors to the Short Humour Site. These books are called: People of Few Words, People of Few Words - Volume 2, People of Few Words - Volume 3, People of Few Words - Volume 4, People of Few Words - Volume 5. All profits from the writings of Swan Morrison are currently donated to the UK registered charity supported by the Short Humour Site Site, Friends of Teso (Uganda) - http://www.friends-of-teso-uganda.org.uk/.