Alexei Smithski was crushed to death last week when a large, trapezoidal, cast iron weight, labelled ‘10 Tons’ fell on his head. Moscow has strongly asserted that the manner of the death conclusively implicates the British Government.
The Moscow police department, who investigated the incident, concluded that the complex sequence of events that culminated in the fatality began when a candle had been lit. That candle had been situated at one end of a tall, rickety, wooden structure which had mysteriously been erected in Red Square.
The candle had burned through a rope which had caused the release of a large, metal ball from a box at the top of the wooden structure.
The ball had then rolled down a curving track and struck a knob which had released water from an upper reservoir into a lower one. The weight of water in the lower reservoir had caused a lever to tilt and hit the first of a row of domino-like slabs. These slabs had sequentially collapsed onto each other – felling each successive slab in turn.
The final collapse had triggered the release mechanism of a spring loaded knife which had rapidly rotated horizontally and severed the rope from which the fatal weight had been suspended.
The weight had then fallen upon Mr Smithski, who had been standing directly below it.
Theresa May stated in the House of Commons that Britain had had absolutely nothing to do with the incident, and listed 194 alternative countries that might have been responsible.
Russian intelligence has countered by asserting there to be no plausible alternative explanation other than a British government plot. They point to illustrations of similar offensive devices drawn during both World Wars by the English cartoonist and illustrator, William Heath Robinson.
International observers have also noted that the design of the murder apparatus was, indeed, characteristically British – being quite different, for example, from comparable American technology. Such as that used by Wile E. Coyote, in his attempts to stop Road Runner!
Nikolay Defectorvitch, a Russian expert living in the UK, explained that the Russians would have been surprised at this response to their attempted murder of Sergei and Yulia Skripal in Salisbury, England.
‘When planning the attack on the Skripals and the Russian denial,’ Mr Defectorvitch noted, ‘Putin would have taken no account of the British sense of humour. The UK appears to have retaliated, however, with a clearly British form of assassination that is even more bizarre and over-complicated than the administration of a nerve agent. They have then totally denied any involvement – Moscow style.
‘By doing so,’ Mr Defectorvitch concluded, ‘Downing Street has, what you British call, “taken the piss,” in a manner that no foreigner could possibly emulate.’
It is currently unclear how Vladimir Putin will react to being satirised in such a direct and public manner. Some observers speculate that the only response that might satisfy his ego would be an all-out nuclear war.
In preparation for such a scenario, British Government satirists are said to be urgently developing a brilliant, devastating piece of sardonic wit to be the final message broadcast by any member of the human race.