Cannibals say ‘Sorry’ for Eating Vicar

A man whose English great-great-great grandfather was murdered then marinated in a hickory sauce for two days before being barbequed and eaten by South Pacific cannibals has taken part in a unique reconciliation ritual on their home island.

In the 1830’s the Reverend Jonah Salmonella and his assistant Jeremiah E. Coli were the most famous brimstone and Hellfire Bible-bashing missionaries of the age – and too, joint founders of the Jesus Crust Church of Latter Day Bakers.

Now, 170 years after their murder the descendants of those ‘Australopicthecus’ knuckle-draggers responsible for the ‘Evangelist Entrée’ invited the Rev. Salmonella’s family to Creophago Atoll, part of the South Seas’ infamous Anthropophagite Islands.

Wilf Salmonella, an unemployed tortoise polisher from Smegmadale-on-Sea, was among those who undertook this mission of reconciliation requested by the islanders who believe their home to be cursed due their ancestor’s bizarre culinary proclivities.

The 65-year-old direct descendant of the missionary joined two dozen members of the congregation of the Jesus Crust Church to travel to the backward tropical desert island where the indigenous population have never heard of fatty acids, bad cholesterol, fractional reserve banking nor Al Gore and his global warming scam.

The reconciliation event, marking the 170th anniversary of the death of the Rev. Salmonella and his fellow missionary Mr. E. Coli, has been long awaited.

The 300 kilo President of the Anthropophagite Islands, Chief Porky Glutton-a-Gugu , informed a media crew from the Carnivore’s Gazette it was a very important event for the entire archipelago as a whole, where Christianity apparently caught on immediately after the missionaries had been eaten.

Chief Glutton-a-Gugu related that the peasants of Creophago Atoll were convinced the island chain has been under some kind of malevolent bane because of killing and eating the missionaries in 1839 – as ever since their ‘creophagic orgy’ those who partook of the ungodly feast – and their descendents to this very day – had been smitten with galloping gastric flatulence and chronic diarrhoea – what their local shaman had labelled ‘the Curse of the Screaming Shits’.

The local cleric, Reverend Wally Chuckabutty, told Fux News “Since we all converted to Christianity after eating so many of those missionary blokes it is very important that we have a reconciliation like this cos their ‘Good News for Black Blokes’ Bible clearly states that Jesus doesn’t like you eating other people.”

“The Creophago Atoll blokes have had a psychological guilt complex about the fact there may be some kind of curse on the island because of their killing of the missionaries here in 1839 – just because they were both fatties and looked very appetising. Now they have been taught the byword is ‘love thy neighbour’ and not ‘eat thy neighbour’.”

“So we told Wilf – It leaves a very bad taste in our mouths to know our ancestors were responsible for having your great-great-great grandfather for lunch – literally.”

“Reconciliation is very much part of our culture. Saying sorry is only a portion of it but all atonement ceremonies require something from each side, there’s always that element of exchange – the Reverend Salmonella’s great-great-great grandson Wilf shall forgive us all on his murdered ancestor’s behalf and we shall provide him with a ritual exchange of fetish.

To achieve this end Wilf Salmonella – for his part to make the reconciliation process work – has agreed to take on responsibility for a voluptuous seventeen-year-old erotic beauty who was ceremonially handed over to him in exchange for the loss of his missionary forefather, undertaking the vow to ceremoniously ‘eat her’ at least once a day as part of the ritual of healing when they arrived home in England.

Smorgasbord Cove, where the missionaries were killed, has now been renamed Indigestion Bay as a mark of respect and atonement.

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via

1 thought on “Cannibals say ‘Sorry’ for Eating Vicar

  1. Love those Italians –Salmonella and Coli. Priests extraordinaire.

    But even better is the Google ad accompanying your article…

    “Become an Ordained Pastor–Answer God’s call to service.
    A student who qualifies for the full Pell Grant award will receive as a grant $3548 a year. If the student is in the regular degree program and takes one class in each of the seven sessions, the tuition and technology cost for the year will be $6195. After applying the grant, the out-of-pocket costs are only $2647 for the year. Taking one class a session will require six years to complete the degree, so the total cost for the degree (43 classes) is less than $15000 plus books.”

    Less than $15 grand. Doesn’t God have to pay part of this?

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