Aliens from the Planet Nibiru and also the Pliedes, Lyra and Draco star systems have been visiting Earth for Millenniums what horologists term ‘a very long time’ – according to Bulgarian scientist Prof. Gregor von Numpty – and what is more “They speak Bulgarian and adore eating Karvama – as they claim it tastes just like human flesh.”
Professor von Numpty, who recently returned to his studies following a lengthy absence due undergoing a rehab’ course for his chronic rhubarb addiction, told reporters from the tabloid gutter press he had been in contact with extraterrestrial life for years and was currently at work deciphering a complex set of symbols sent to him via fax from a giant Draco Reptilian alien subterranean base at Dulce in New Mexico.
A swift sly peek at the symbols prompted one sober journalist from the Abduction Gazette to remark “Fer fuck’s sake – that’s the assembly sheet from an IKEA flatpack wardrobe kit!”
“Are yer tellin’ me that aliens from an advanced civilization that have travelled through hyper-space ter get here in their UFO can’t put an effin’ IKEA wardrobe together?”
However, Dr Lugnuts Fillitup, deputy director of the Space Research Institute of the Bulgarian Academy of Sciences, which has established its new headquarters and observatory above Kostas’ Fish n Chip Shop on Sofia’s Donald Duckoff Strasse, confirmed the authenticity Prof. von Numpty’s research.
Dr Fillitup informed the media “Our centre’s diagnostic software terchnicians are, as I speak, busy analysing 150 crop circles from around the world, which we believe could well solve the riddle of the basic ‘building block’ questions of Life itself – the five ‘W’s and the one ‘H’ – and no, the answer is not Wal-Mart.”
“Aliens are currently all around us, and watching our antics the entire time. You cannot see them unless they wish it as they are fourth-dimensional and vibrate at a higher rate than we do”
“We speak to them at night if they come to Kostas’ shop for a kebab supper. We have posed thirty questions for them to answer – then we shall see how smart they really are – if they can pick the winning numbers for next week’s Euro-Millions Lotto and prophesy who will take first place in the Strictly Come Dancing competition and X-Factor finals.”
“They are not hostile towards us, rather, they want to help us but we have not evolved enough in order to achieve perfect clarity of communication with them.”
“It is, to use a metaphor, a bit like trying to get sense out of bureaucrats at your local government office. You write them a letter but never get a clear answer back. It is forever the riddle we have to solve for every snippet of information.”