Was Jesus a British Citizen?

If one is to believe the latest Gospel being proclaimed from on high by Scottish academic and archaeologist Reverend ‘Gorbals Jack’ McTwattie, Jesus Christ came to Britain to further his education and help out his old pikey Uncle – Joseph of Arimathea – with his pioneering tin canning business.

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The Rev. McTwattie, founder of the Highland Church of the Sacred Haggis, makes the claim in an all- new ‘Porridge Wogs Production’ documentary film entitled ‘See You Jesus!’

The film examines the legend of Jesus’ supposed visit, which certain religious fanatical cults claim survives in the popular hymn ‘Jerusalem’.

This was originally a poem written by William Blake in 1804 and made famous as a hymn when set to music by early rap composer Hubert Parry in 1916 – dedicated to the 21st Skidrow-on-Sea Cannon Fodder Regiment who had just seen their ranks decimated to zero in the World War One trenches of Flanders.

The Reverend McTwattie, a former otter juggler, emphatically believes it is “plausible” Jesus came to England to study under the Druids – who were the bees-knees of comprehensive education mentors two thousand years ago – until the Romans appeared on the scene and proceeded to bugger up everything they laid their hands on with their misconceived ‘Shock and Awe’ strategy.

Rev. McTwattie is convinced – more so after a few glasses of sherry – that Jesus had “plenty of time” to do the journey from Palestine to England, as little was known about his life before the age of 30 – except for the odd carpentry anecdote – and not much after – apart from getting himself crucified for bad-mouthing the Sanhedrin and Mr. Pilate, the Procurator Fiscal of Judea.

McTwattie maintains the first words of the hymn Jerusalem – “And did those feet – in ancient times – walk upon England’s mountains green” – is not so much a question posed by Blake but a Masonic ciphered declaration that Jesus came to ancient Britain and studied at the Druid’s Stonehenge College of Megalithic Masonry before going on to complete his Messiah’s degree course at Avebury – getting firsts in ‘Forgiveness’ and ‘Turning the Other Cheek’ .

“Coming to England wasn’t in fact that hard in the olden days,” Reverend McTwattie informed Fr. Guido Phuckarolli, the Vatican’s travel correspondent. “Jesus would have travelled due west from Palestine by boat, then taken a hard right at Gibraltar and headed north until he hit Cornwall – much the same as sneaky Spanish sardine poachers do today.”

Among the places folklore holds that Jesus visited are Penzance, Falmouth and Bodmin in Cornwall – plus Glastonbury in Scumerset – which has a most peculiar legend concerning the trainee Messiah.

According to this legend St Augustine wrote to the Pope to advise he had discovered a church in Glastonbury built by followers of Jesus in the first century AD.

Conversely St Gildas, a 6th Century Welsh Druid who converted to being a Christian cleric as the salary and pension scheme was better, left oxhide records stating the church was built by Jesus himself before he and Joseph of Arimathea flitted off back to Palestine with a shipload of recyclable tin cans in 28 AD.

The buried ruins of the ancient church were excavated by archaeologists last summer who found clear markings engraved on the main foundation stone revealing – in Aramaic – ‘Jesus was here’ – coupled with ‘So was Kilroy’ – and ‘Shergar – que va?’


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