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‘No Hoodies’ Policy vs ‘Old Time Religion’

‘No Hoodies’ Policy vs ‘Old Time Religion’

The draconian dipshit management of Monty Mamon’s Shopping Arcade at Skidrow-on-Sea have come under severe criticism due their inflexible ‘No Hoodies’ policy.

The rigid enforcement of the regulation resulted in a detail of psychopathic Albanian immigrant Gestapo wannabes – on hire from the local Renta-Thug security agency – accosting a troupe of nuns belonging to the St. Sappho of the Sacred Dildo Convent who happened to be visiting the arcade as part of their annual Christmas shopping excursion.

Apparently the security detail’s chief Kommandant Kostas Fuctifino grabbed Mother Superior Fellattia van der Gamm by the shoulder as she led her group into the mall – informing her – in gutteral Serbo-Croat – to remove the cowl of her habit.

Unfortunately, with the Mother Superior only speaking English, Latin and a smattering of Bog Irish, a complete misunderstanding took place, and her Oriental martial arts training was brought into play – resulting in the fracture of Mr Fuctifino’s fingers for his assault upon her chaste person – while the accompanying sisters automatically, in defence of their Reverend Mother, laid into the decked security chief boots-first and delivered a good all-round kicking.

Recorded footage from the arcade’s CCTV cameras revealed things quickly went from bad to worse when the full force of the Renta-Thug agency’s Albanian security detail rushed to their boss’s aid and tore into the wimple-capped religious contingent with truncheons and tasers – plus firing several indiscriminate shots from unlicenced handguns.

Eighteen stone Sister Lesbiana, a former Huddersfield pig wrestler who served five years in Somalia as a pirate hostage fee negotiator for the 22nd Special Air Service, told reporters “One of the pikey security guards comes up all tough-guy like an’ sticks a 9mm Glock in me earhole an’ tried ter rip me wimple off – so I stuck the nut on ‘im an’ broke ‘is effin’ nose, then grabbed ‘is pistol an’ knee-capped the twat.”

“Effin’ pillock couldn’t speak any English – the soft twat woz even screamin’ in some foreign twaddle waitin’ fer the paramedics ter arrive.”

The lunchtime free-for-all fisticuffs fiasco eventually ended with the arrival of Det. Supt. Chalky Cheese from the Home Office’s ‘Sort Shit Out’ unit – after a troop of the Met’s ‘Domestic Terrorism’ Squad were disabled by the irate nun’s fighting a violent rear-guard action on the third floor of the shopping arcade – in the ‘Ann Summers’ erotic lingerie and adult toys outlet – following the demise of the Renta-Thug security force.

Det. Supt. Cheese informed Pox News: “These lasses, dressed in their Catholic burkahs – were fantastic – they ripped the guts outa them Muslim pikey guards. We need more of these adrenalin-fired dykes – excuse me – ladies – down at Credenhill Barracks at Hereford ASAP – fer deployment to Bellend Province in Afghanistan and let them sort the Taliban out.”

Following the incident the Monty Mamon’s Arcade website has now clarified its ‘No Hoodies’ policy within the mall – claiming it is to ensure a safe and enjoyable shopping experience for everyone – including nuns.

“However, it was not our intention to provoke upset and we apologise for any stress this may have caused to shoppers.”

“We are reviewing our policy to ensure the safety and well being of all our customers and in future will ensure our cheapo immigrant security force can speak English and not attempt to start World War Three with visiting religious groups.”

Speaking off the record the Monty Mamon’s Arcade manager Hymie Weaselberg told a reporter from the ‘Total Losers Gazette’ “Look, the idea of the ‘No Hoodies’ policy is to keep yobs an’ yobettes an’ chav’s from comin’ ‘ere on shopliftin’ missions an’ clearin’ out our effin’ shelves like a 7/11 Stop n Rob cos we can’t get a clear shot of wot they looks like wiv der CCTV cameras cos of their effin’ hoodies.”

“Mind you, these effin’ nuns are a bunch of violent thievin’ gits as well – like me Mum used ter say – “Never trust the Papists scum as far as yer can throw ‘em.”

“Yer should see ‘ow much stock’s missin’ from inventory at the Ann Summers store upstairs after they barricaded themselves in there.”


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Rusty’s Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously.

These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind.

Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego’s and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington’s Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica – or via


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