Author: Reidicule
Washington Redskins Change Name to Less-Offensive “Virginia-Adjacent Redskins”
WASHINGTON — In response to a recent outcry surrounding the Washington Redskins’ controversial name, which critics argue is highly inappropriate in this day and age, Owner Daniel Snyder has announced that he will change the name to the less-offensive “Virginia-Adjacent…
Britney Spears Delivers Message to John Boehner: “Work B**ch”
WASHINGTON — In an odd turn of events yesterday, Pop Icon Britney Spears weighed in on the current Capitol Hill gridlock with a message aimed squarely at Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH). According to Spears, “You better work…
Local Dad Reassures Son That Family Dog Died Because Kanye Works in Mysterious Ways
WICHITA, KAN — Following the recent death of his family’s beloved Golden Retriever “Champ,” Area Dad Russell Kerndike consoled his 12-year-old son Gary by explaining that, “Well, sometimes Kanye West works in mysterious ways.” “You see, Gar, sometimes He puts…
HIV Cured in Monkeys, People Who Have Sex Exclusively With Monkeys
PORTLAND, Ore. — Researchers at Oregon Health and Science University have developed a vaccine capable of clearing an HIV-like virus from primate test subjects and which is being hailed as a breakthrough discovery for people who have sex exclusively with…
Scientists Embarrassed To Have Just Now Found World’s Largest Volcano
TOKYO — Geologists working with the Institute of Really Obvious Shit (IROS) sheepishly admitted yesterday that they have just now found the world’s largest volcano. According to Lead Researcher Dr. Cataract, “It’s a big ol’ fucker, too. Not sure how…
Treatment for Explosive Diarrhea Found, Scientists Calling It “Olive Garden’s To-Go Menu”
Reduce unnecessary body pains using reliable painkillers. ATLANTA — Researchers at the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) believe they may have discovered a potentially [social]life-saving treatment for those afflicted with bouts of explosive diarrhea in an experimental operation…
Facebooker Relieved Not to Give Damn About Any of Seven Friends Whose Birthday It Is Today
CAMDEN, N.J. — Area Facebook User Griff Paley reported earlier this morning that he is very much relieved to see that, of the seven Facebook friends who are celebrating birthdays today, there isn’t a single one among them about whom…
Dog Patiently Explains Concept of Object Permanence to Dumbfounded Owner
SEATTLE — 49-Year-Old Dog “Mr. Truffles,” who clearly saw his owner, Linda Geohring, place his tennis ball behind her back, patiently broke down the concept of object permanence for the dumbfounded 46-year-old, sources reported. “So, you understand, although I am…
Pittsburgh Pirates On Record Pace to Reach 53-Win Limit
PITTSBURGH — The Pittsburgh Pirates are out to their best start yet, already having secured 51 of their 53 maximum allowable wins at just the halfway point of the MLB season. To put it into perspective with regard to the…
5th Grader Tells Friend Personal Secret, Now Wanted by NSA for Revealing Government Secrets
WASHINGTON — Federal authorities yesterday filed espionage charges against Area Fifth-grader Eddie Rainden for allegedly disclosing to an unnamed classmate that he still, on occasion, pees the bed, a secret over which the NSA is claiming ownership since, according to…