Author: Reidicule
Woman Thinking Ahead 49 Years Names Newborn Son “Murray”
LANSING, MICH — Area Woman Marcy Keller proudly announced this morning the birth of her healthy, 9 lb., 3 oz. baby boy who, in thinking ahead 49 years into his future, she named “Murray.” Keller admits that the move to…
Apple’s iOS 7 to Feature Impressive, Radically Redesigned Glitches
CUPERTINO, CALIF — Apple recently unveiled the new iOS 7 operating system, which CEO Tim Cook is hailing as “the most radical redesign of iOS glitches since the iPhone was invented.” According to Apple’s VP of Software Engineering, Leonard Umbrage,…
McDonald’s Fry Cook Filibusters Angry Manager to Avoid Getting Fired
PITTSBURGH — Local McDonald’s “Fryolator” Operator Terrance Yerkovski, in an effort to avoid losing his job, has been filibustering his manager for the past 72 straight hours. The filibuster, in which the 22-year-old Yerkovski is currently barricaded in the employee…
Wife of Man Who Died Vacuuming Comforted He Died Doing What She Loved
ST. LOUIS — Area Man Daniel Beter passed away on Tuesday from an apparent heart attack while vacuuming the living room carpet in his home. In a statement to the press, his wife, Raquel, said of her husband’s untimely death,…
Supreme Court OKs Police to Collect Suspects’ DNA, Suspects Excited for Free Handjobs
WASHINGTON — In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court voted 5-4 this week to allow police to collect the DNA of person(s) suspected of “serious” crimes, exciting suspects across the country who are eager to receive their free handjobs. Despite…
NRA: “F*ck It, Why Have Laws At All?”
WASHINGTON — In a decisive move, federal lawmakers are expected to push a bill through both houses that would repeal every gun control law that ever existed in the U.S. dating back to the Articles of Confederation. According to sources…
Texas Judge In Quite the Moral Quandary After Unborn Fetus Kills 3
WACO, TEXAS — The Hon. Judge Earl Baker is reportedly “in a pretty big pickle” following the conviction of an unborn fetus who was found guilty of murdering a family of three earlier this year. According to court records from…
WebMD-diagnosed Man Definitely Has AIDS, or Possibly Just Eczema
DES MOINES, IOWA — It was reported earlier today that local farmer Henry Myopic “definitely [has] AIDS… or maybe eczema.” The 73-year-old Myopic, who regularly checks the WebMD website in an effort to pinpoint his assorted ailments, was able to…
NASA Locates 3 New Earth-like Planets That Could Theoretically Support Death
CAPE CANAVERAL, FLA — The NASA Program recently announced that their scientists have located three new Earth-like planets, each of which could theoretically support death. According to NASA’s lead researcher Dr. Hans Von Gunn, “Using our Kepler satellite, we were…
Extreme Sportsman Completes Successful Base-jump, Funeral to be Held Friday
LODI, CALIF – While base-jumping last week in a northern California ravine, Extreme Sportsman Felix Grainger’s parachute reportedly malfunctioned, sending the 28-year-old’s body crashing to the earth at an incredible rate of speed, whereupon he arrived at a gruesome, untimely…