GOP Pledges Rich Can Get Richer, Sick Can Die Broke

Wornolde Points, Ohio (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with Norbert B. Snortwhistle. News organizations around the world are analyzing the political, economic and policy implications of the recently released GOP “Pledge to America.” But the story doesn’t end there.

In an exclusive interview from his favorite tanning salon, GOP House leader John Boehner revealed ten additional promises in the Pledge to America that “didn’t make the first cut, but make a lot of sense.”

“We didn’t want to rush out of the gate with our whole pledge at the same time,” a glowing Boehner explained. “We can talk more about these additional points once we get past November.”

Here are the ten previously unrevealed promises from the GOP Pledge to America:

“We pledge to ship your job to India so corporations can make higher profits.”

“We will drill for oil anywhere there isn’t already a hole.”

“We pledge to send everyone with a funny-sounding name back to wherever they came from.”

“We promise you can buy assault rifles in the supermarket.”

“If you are poor, you will get poorer.”

“If you are rich, you will get richer. This we pledge.”

“If you get sick, we promise you will die broke.”

“We pledge to blow up every third world country that disagrees with us.”

“We pledge to repeal everything that benefits anyone but us.”

“If this gimmick gets votes, we pledge to do it again in 2012.”

Author: norbert b. snortwhistle

Norbert Bibbington Snortwhistle is not the author’s real name. A freelance writer living in a California beach town, Mr. Snortwhistle writes about business, politics and other strange affairs. You can read his articles on investing and the economy, posted under the name ‘Low Sweat Investing,’ here.

10 thoughts on “GOP Pledges Rich Can Get Richer, Sick Can Die Broke

  1. Either way, GOP or Dems, the US system is designed to sell you out, especially if you get sick, or old.You need only look at some of the most famous Americans to see that while they at one time had enough money to seemingly live a very comfotable life and retirement, sickness, disability and or old age costs a fortune in the US. The hospitals will do nothing but medicaly test you into the poor house, while insurance companies raise your rates every year. Drug companies and Doctors rake in your money while the media keeps you making appointment after appoinment. If I was an American citezen I would make it my lifes goal to become a Canadian and take all of my money there. I wont get shot, and if i get sick or old I will be taken care of with a combination of my own money and the health system of either of the provinces. They dont test you to death here, they know that old age isnt a mysterious disease that needs to be figured out. It happens and then you die. Here you do it with dignity.

  2. “I think this is really their beliefs, they just don’t dare publicize them.”

    This is the beginning of a complete scandal that will be the end of all scandals.

    Glossy News is caught publishing real, serious GOP thoughts as satire and getting away with it!
    How Dare They?
    This is unforgivable!
    I protest!

  3. Thank you for reading and commenting. Perhaps Boehner will grow into an entire pumpkin patch.

  4. Thanks for your comment. Based on the photo, I think Boehner secretly believes he is a pumpkin, and will publicize it after the election.

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