Washington, DC (GlossyNews): In its toughest rhetoric yet, the Obama Administration lashed out at Iran’s ongoing nuclear enrichment program. Iran maintains the program is only intended to develop a domestic nuclear fuel source for civilian electrical power generation, an explanation critics dismiss as a thinly veiled excuse to develop nuclear weapons.
The strongly worded statement was delivered on the floor of the United Nations General Assembly in the form of a post-it note left attached to a reading lamp on the desk of the Iranian Delegation over a lunch break late last week.
According to sources who did not wish to be identified due to the sensitive nature of the issue, the White House placed the blame for the continuing escalation of international tensions revolving around Iran’s nuclear program firmly on the Islamic Republic’s shoulders.
“I though we had something together… I GUESS NOT! You know how I feel about you and how special I think our relationship could be, but I guess it won’t happen because for you it’s just going to be a one way street,” begins the letter which diplomatic experts contend is from the White House. However, since the note was signed “You Know Who,” this remains largely conjecture.
“I know you’re upset about how much time I spend with Israel,” continues the communique. “You know as well as I do that that will never work because of the ‘Jewish’ thing, but it’s a tradition I’m stuck with. My voters expect me to be there, so I have to be there no matter how I feel. I JUST WISH THEY WOULD DIE! Then we could be together in the open and everyone would have no choice but accept it.
“Iraq and me are over. It was wonderful, I won’t deny it. But, we are both moving on. Saudi Arabia is only nice to me when I buy them things, Afghanistan is fun but we both know they’re crazy. And, Jordan… Well, they’re so desperate they’ll f**k anyone who pays any attention to them. I need to move on and I thought you were the one. But, if you keep up with this nuclear thing, I won’t get reelected President and how will that look on my resume? If you want me to be with Israel, just say it! But, could you at least talk to me?”
A high ranking United Nations official who reviewed the letter stated bluntly that the communication indicated the United States’ frustration with Iran was reaching a boiling point. “The Obama Administration has made forging new diplomatic ties in the Middle East a top priority since they came to office. However, these efforts have met with little success. It is apparent from the tone of the communication that the White House wants to change the paradigm of international relations in the region and sees Iran’s behavior not just as contradictory to this effort, but directly attributing to an entrenchment of the old staus quo that has only lead to the escalation of tensions in the region for decades.”
“I know you think my nuclear weapons make you feel uncomfortable as a man,” continues the note. “But, they were bought before I was President and they’re just a gift to me. I don’t even look at them. They’re locked away and it is like I don’t even own them. Just say the word, and I’ll get rid of them all! I don’t care if you get your own, just stop talking about it all the time and everything will be better.”
The official pointed to this statement toward the end of the note as a possible olive branch, as well as a possible opening for new avenues to negotiations. “Despite the caustic tone of the letter, my interpretation is cautiously optimistic on this point. I think if you read within the technical nuances of the diplomatic language, the White House is indicating a willingness to engage in direct nuclear negotiations with Iran,” stated the official.
Members of the United Nations Iranian delegation refused comment on the note and its diplomatic implications. “The Islamic Republic is not in the habit or responding to unsigned correspondence,” stated an unnamed Iranian diplomat. “If United States wants to talk to us, they know were we are. Just look at their Honorable Delegation right now… They’re staring at us right now, and every time we look they turn their heads away. We don’t have time for this crap.”