PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania (GlossyNews) — Agents from the Federal Bureau of Investigations, Department of Homeland Security, and SWAT teams from around the are descended on a local unemployment office after a random security sweep uncovered “terrorist paraphernalia” on several adults filing unemployment claims.
A high ranking FBI official confirmed dozens of arrests were made of persons possessing “components necessary for the construction of IED’s (Improvised Explosive Devices,)” sophisticated terrorist related coded communications, and “other weapons of sabotage” banned under the Patriot Act.
Several pieces of this confiscated evidence placed on display at an early morning press conference included a “terrorist related metallic disc from some place called ‘Canada,” cleverly concealed to look like an American quarter.” “You see, if you just look at it, it looks like regular all American, red blooded, God fearing money,” said an FBI expert on terrorist communications and symbolism. “Only a trained expert can identify the fake by discerning that on a genuine American quarter, Sacajawea is not wearing a crown. I bet Castro’s not laughing now that he knows we’re onto his scam to flood our country with counterfeit currency.”
Other evidence included several balls of pocket lint confiscated from “walking human bombs,” who were plotting to combine their pocket lint into “one giant ball of lint, douse it with gasoline, and burn down several city blocks.” “Is is a disturbingly new level of sophistication in terrorist activities,” stated the FBI expert. “Our investigators were only tipped off to the dangerous nature of little tufts of explosives by the fact the adults carrying these items had nothing else in their pockets other than this lint. Now, what are the chances of somebody at an unemployment office having nothing in their pockets other than identification and pocket lint? The odds are astronomical. Look at me, I have a couple twenties on my pockets right now. My wife pulls them out of the wash all the time. A couple of these bastards tried lying their way out of justice by claiming they were broke because they were unemployed. A likely story. Just what are they doing with their paychecks then? I’ll tell you what, they’re sending all their money to their terrorist overlords so they can buy a nuclear weapon is what they’re doing.” The official refused to confirm or deny that several of these balls of lint were concealed in suspects’ navels.
Additional arrests were made of “terrorist sympathizers” for possession of blue ink pens when signs clearly stated “black ink only,” several packs of gum, “many with liquid centers,” in areas marked “No Food or Drink Allowed,” and a man disclosing the classified details of a professional football game without “the expressed, written, consent of the NFL and its owners.”
Officials credit an alert employee at the unemployment office who notified authorities of this potential terrorist activity after a woman attempted to present a voter registration card as proof of identity. “Fortunately, this brave man recognized the threat, jumped over the counter and wrestled the assailant to the ground until police could arrive,” said the official. Voter registration cards have been linked by intelligence experts to a plot to overthrow the United States government sometime in early November and have been found in the possession of numerous members of the nefarious “Tea Party Movement.”