NEW YORK, New York (GlossyNews) — Department of Homeland Security officials admitted today at an early morning press conference that Faisal Shahzad, 30, the alleged “Times Square Bomber,” was released on bond at the behest of New York City leaders as part of a plea deal where Shahzad agreed to disclose the name of several individuals who consistently ignore and evade the City’s anti-smoking regulations.
A high ranking Homeland Security official stated, “It is not unusual for plea deals to be made with accused criminals in the hope of gaining information leading to the prosecution of even more dangerous criminals. In cases such as these, the person who actually tries to perpetrate an act of violence is often the weakest link in the chain. So, sometimes law enforcement has to hold its nose and make these deals so we can truly protect the public.”
A defensive spokesman for New York Mayor, Michael Bloomberg’s office, aggressively defended the City’s actions and dismissed critics as “short sighted. “There are a lot of misguided people out there who are going TO protest this move because they are not getting their pound of flesh,” said the official. “But, but let me be clear on this, we did not release this man for nothing. He named names. Not just one but six. And, they were just not small fry misfits looking to blow up a subway, but smokers who constantly and blatantly ignore our City’s regulation on tobacco use.”
New York City police insiders who did not wish to be identified because they were not authorized to speak to the press, confirmed the arrest of six individuals in relation to this case and two others for possession of cell phones which might have been used to take photos of the arresting officers and “steal their souls.”
According to the insider, three of the arrested where part of an “organized tobacco cell,” operating between New York City and New Jersey. Allegedly, one member of the cell would operate as a lookout while the other two assailants would smoke cigarettes in various bathrooms, maintenance closets, and offices equipped with advanced air filtration technology in the lower Manhattan office complex where they worked. Under questioning, it has also been learned that it was common practice for a cell member to purchase cigarettes in New Jersey where he resides and tobacco prices are much lower, smuggle them into the city in his car during his morning commute, and then distribute them to the other cell members for an undisclosed amount of cash. “This must have been happening at least two or three times a week for several months,” confided the insider.
A spokesman for the Mayor’s office refused to confirm or deny information relating to this case or another arrest where a New York City resident allegedly purchased an entire carton of “high grade Marlboros” while visiting his sister in Pennsylvania and then using them as part of a “tobacco orgy” at an up-state New York campground over the July Fourth holiday. “It would be improper for me to comment on these cases since they are still under investigation,” said the spokesman.
The spokesman did confirm that the whereabouts of the alleged “Times Square Bomber” are unknown at this time. “He appears to have dropped out out sight for some reason. He is probably hiding in fear of his life that these tobacco scofflaws are going to assault him with their secondary smoke,” confided the spokesman. “However, I would like to think he is actually down in some secluded basement frantically working to construct some device that will help expose even more smokers to the light of justice.”