NEW BRIGHTON, Pennsylvania (BNSE) — State and local law enforcement agencies were placed on high alert today as thousands of idiot nephews began massing around the state in the wake of massive layoffs from state agencies and local businesses due to severe budget cutbacks as a result of the slow economy.
“Oh, dear God… Dear God… This is bad… I mean real bad,” said an official spokesman for the Governor’s office before he broke down in tears. “We never thought it would come to this. None of us did. I mean, it was my mother, you know. She puts me on the spot right at Thanksgiving dinner about why I can’t get Willie a job. I just wanted to eat some turkey, dammit, and now Willie’s not penned up for eight hours a day at the DMV and I can’t reach my wife on the cell phone!.”
Early reports indicated the cutbacks of non-essential and non-productive personnel would have no lasting consequences as most of the terminated employees “still showed up at their jobs and sat around doing nothing.” “Nobody really noticed a difference,” said one account executive from a Pittsburgh advertising agency. “It was not until I noticed that someone was actually rinsing out the coffee pot before they made more that I realized Fred was gone.”
The situation took a tragic turn for the worse as payday arrived and the released staff noticed they were not receiving paychecks. “Joe just kind of stood there looking for his envelope,” said a Pennsylvania Game Commission ranger who wished to remain unidentified. “At first Joe just tried grabbing other people’s checks and demanding ‘we try to do something about it.’ I should have left it alone, but I got mad and told him the bank wouldn’t cash the check and he was fired because he never did anything. Joe just looks at me with these dead eyes and goes, ‘We’ll see about that after I write a letter to my uncle.’ I just called him a moron and told him it was his uncle who fired him… Next thing you know, six other guys noticed they didn’t have checks either. I was lucky to make it out alive.”
Pennsylvania State Police confirm reports from Erie, State College, and Scranton of hundreds of idiot nephews “Just kind of walking around and telling people that they’re doing things wrong and then walking away, demanding receipts from grocery stores in triplicate, and causing several traffic accidents by ignoring all traffic lights and claiming they are on official business.”
Police officials urged calm as they attempt to bring the unrest under control. “At this time, we are making significant progress in the western and central parts of the state, but due to the high numbers of patronage jobs in the major cities, we cannot make a prediction a to when order will be restored.” The police spokesman added that intelligence sources fear Philadelphia might be a “total loss.”
Several elected officials denounced the cutbacks and layoffs. “I cannot think of a more short sighted action,” said one Pennsylvania Congressman. “If the goal was to get rid of ineffective, unproductive, employees, why the hell are we not laying off high school administrators? Do they realize I’m probably never going to have sex again because my wife’s idiot brother couldn’t do anything but screw out a clutch of idiot kids and now they’re all unemployed? Like, somehow that’s my fault. You know that guy you always buy your train pass from? You know, the one who’s always wearing the same pair of pants and tie? Well, those are the only pants and tie he owns. We’re lucky he even wears pants! Now, my mistress thinks I can just get her completely unemployable brother another job just like that. You should meat this guy. I’d have better luck getting a Nazi hired to work at the Jewish Defense League picnic.”
State relief agencies concede that even the recently furloughed citizens who came to grips with not having their traditional employment are having difficulty adapting to their new lives. “It’s a real uphill battle for some of these folks,” said an official for the Red Cross. “It is hard to believe that in day and age there would still be so much lingering bias against those with no social skills, nasty tempers, questionable hygiene, and a complete and total lack of even the most basic work ethic. So they steal all the time. So what? That’s their culture and we must learn to embrace and appreciate it, not force them to conform to our foreign standards. I had three of them in the office today, and now we have no pens. I don’t need a pen, what would I use a pen for?”
One displaced state worker who is now working on starting is own lawn care business places the blame for the current unrest squarely on the shoulders of the general public. “Most of these slobs out here are just not used to the high standards of professionalism I am accustomed to in a state agency,” said the new business owner. “I have much more education and experience than any of them, and I really think they resent the fact that, despite my temporary layoff, they should defer to me on any serious matter.
“Just the other day, I attempted to perform lawn care services for a family in Cannonsburg. We agreed on a price of $20 to mow the lawn, and I promptly sat down on the porch, had his wife get me a beer and told that lazy SOB to get his ass in gear and start mowing because I had other clients to attend. He just stood there looking at me like he didn’t speak English! Then, he actually called the police on me after I asked his teenage daughter to sit on my lap. He still hasn’t even paid me. Some people just don’t understand how businesses are supposed to be run.”