Archive | January, 2017

Republican Party Flip-Flop, Embrace ‘Sodomy’

Republican Party Flip-Flop, Embrace ‘Sodomy’

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Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy.

Ezekiel 16: 49

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Louis Armstrong & the What-About-Bop

Louis Armstrong & the What-About-Bop

My favorite Louis Armstrong song has to be ‘The What-About-Bop!’

What about, oh yeah, what about!
Everybody love dem what about!

The neocons love it, the Islamists love it!
Everyboy lovin’ dem what about!

Hey baby, hey baby what you whataboutin’ ’bout, girl?
Everybody lovin’ dem what about!

GOP God Squad love it,
Democrat Blame Squad love it,
Everybody lovin’ dem what about!

Got any more verses? Got friends and family who are not easily offended? Add them to the comments below, and the editorial staff will publish them!

Alternatively, send your funny stuff to Brian & Wallace @ Glossy News:

glossynews@gmail.com
wallacerunnymede@gmail.com

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Donald Trump Proves Existence of the Multiverse

Donald Trump Proves Existence of the Multiverse

In a groundbreaking pronouncement, the International Forum of Theoretical Physicists today stated that Donald Trump’s election confirmed the existence of the multiverse.

At a press conference held at the National Academy of Sciences, Belinda Suarez, IFTP’s executive director, declared that our plane of existence is only one of an infinite number of universes with distinct histories, thereby putting an end to decades of debate in the scientific community.

When pressed about the connection between Trump and the multiverse, Suarez stated that the U.S. presidential election results struck the scientific community as such an astronomically improbable event that they inspired some of the world’s leading mathematicians and physicists to calculate their likelihood.

Given Trump’s flagrant contempt for women, blacks, Hispanics, the LGBTQ community, Muslims, immigrants, disabled persons, war heroes, and basic human decency, the scientists discovered that the odds of his election were so prodigiously minute that they proved we reside in the only universe in the infinite multiverse where this could have possibly taken place.

Suarez stated that, “When scientists previously theorized about the multiverse, they postulated that anything that could possibly happen actually did, only in an alternate timeline. In other words, there’s a universe where Germany won the Second World War, another where Kim Kardashian is Pope, and a third where people eat nothing but asparagus. In some universes, humans have arms growing out of their foreheads or tank treads instead of feet. Literally every possible scenario exists in a reality separate from our own. It therefore struck us that, somewhere in some other universes, scientists were discussing the preposterous assertion that the United States would elect Donald Trump president. It turns out we were right. And they laughed at us.”

When pressed about who exactly “laughed at us,” Suarez replied with, “We built a machine to communicate with the other universes, and most of them laughed at us. We also received quite a few condolences. Pope Kim the First wrote us a very heartfelt epistle. The asparagus universe’s scientists are working on a device to ship us a bouquet of conciliatory… well… asparagus. We tried to dissuade them, but they insisted.”

Apparently, several universes remarked on our terrible situation, including one where people eat their own feces for breakfast, another where giant praying mantises evolved to become our autocratic masters, and a third where the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse hold sway over a shattered hellscape. They all thanked their respective gods/demons/insect overlords that they did not reside in our reality.

Asked if any universes expressed joy at Trump’s election, Suarez paused and responded “Well, the universe where Donald Trump is Emperor of the Moon thought it was pretty great.”

Suarez concluded her briefing by addressing how the scientific community planned to utilize this amazing discovery. “We’re working on a machine to transport us into literally any other universe. I personally want to get the hell out of here, and I’m sure many of you feel the same.”

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Politics, Science2 Comments

Coalition of a Hundred Countries goes to War for Regime Change in the United States

Coalition of a Hundred Countries goes to War for Regime Change in the United States

Dateline: MOSCOW, Year Three After Trump—Three years into Trump’s presidency, a “new coalition of the willing,” of over a hundred countries led by Russia, China, and Europe declared war on Trump’s “rogue regime,” citing in a public statement: “the lunacy of allowing the American nuclear arsenal to be controlled by a manifestly insane and senile president, a dysfunctional Congress, and a delusional or apathetic American public.”

“The situation is just like George W. Bush’s declaration of war on Saddam’s Iraq,” said Putin at a press conference in Moscow, speaking for the Coalition. “Except that unlike Saddam, Trump actually has stockpiles of WMDs. We, too, seek regime change in defense of civilization itself. But this time the regime that must be eliminated by preventative military action is obviously Trump’s in the United States.”

When reminded that Trump never gassed his own people, whereas Saddam gassed the Kurds in 1988, Putin said, “Yes, but remember that time when Trump ordered that all the bridges in the United States be firebombed, because Trump had heard a rumour that a guy named Fred Bridgeman in South Dakota had called him fat? Remember how Trump had targeted bridges solely because that fellow had the word ‘bridge’ in his last name? And remember how Trump had neglected to warn the commuters, so that the bridges were destroyed along with the millions of Americans who were in the process of driving across them?

“Or remember that time when in broad daylight Trump raped a journalist in the middle of a White House press conference and then bizarrely denied that he had done so, calling the video evidence provided by the hundreds of cameras present ‘a big lie cooked up by failing news companies’?

“Or how about that time when Donald Trump ordered a nuclear strike against South Korea, mixing up the South with the North?

“Yeah, there’s only so much insanity and instability a civilized world can stand.”

Putin was pressed about why Russia would join the New Coalition of the Willing when Russia reportedly had personal leverage against Trump. Putin reminded the questioner that he had played his “Trump card, so to speak,” but it had backfired.

“You remember when we leaked the golden showers video, so to speak (again). Trump was caught with Russian prostitutes and we added that footage to the financial kompromat we had on him. When we secretly ordered Trump to help Russia take back our territories in Eastern Europe and he refused, we sent the video to Wikileaks. But after the world saw Trump with the pissing prostitutes, Trump said it wasn’t him but an actor with a bad wig.

“And that was that. The media went on to the next Trump scandal, since there was a new one every five minutes. We never bothered revealing the financial conflicts of interest Trump has with foreign banks, because most Americans wouldn’t understand them or care. For the same reason, the U.S. government doesn’t attempt to prosecute Goldman Sachs or other colossal banks for fraud, because the complexity of the case would put a jury to sleep.”

Putin was asked whether he thinks the Coalition can possibly defeat the American military machine. “Of course we can,” said Putin. “For decades, Americans have fought only fake wars against pipsqueaks like Saddam, terrorists in caves, or Stalinists in Grenada in 1983. Americans love to consume toys for their pleasure, not to make war. They’ll quickly surrender and the world will breathe a sigh of relief to be rid of Trump.”

For his part, a defiant Trump dared the Coalition to invade the United States. “Let them come!” he said at a Rose Garden press conference, holding a machine gun, his nose covered in cocaine. “Then they can say hello to my little friend!” There was tittering in the press pool and Trump said, “No, not my junk—which I can assure you all is yuge. This machine gun I’m holding—this is the little friend I meant. And the rest of the world can say hello to it. When they get here.”

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Sign on Trump’s Lapel Provides Running Tally of his Lies

Sign on Trump’s Lapel Provides Running Tally of his Lies

Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C. Year One After Trump—An anonymous member of President Trump’s staff fastened a digital sign to Trump’s lapel whenever Trump has been set to speak to the media, to stop reporters from having to flail about, guessing whether the president is lying.

“It started because I got annoyed watching the TV news,” said the staffer. “The anchors and pundits kept asking why Trump was saying that the sky is green, that two and two are five, or that his inauguration crowd was the biggest of all time. They just couldn’t figure out what Trump was up to—as if no politician had ever lied before! Or as if no legit psychopath had ever held high office!

“I just got sick of watching these fools on TV dancing around the issue, too timid to reckon with reality, just asking tedious questions like, ‘Why would the President say this when he must know it’s demonstrably false?’ or using euphemisms like Hilary Clinton’s gem, ‘Trump lacks the temperament to be president’—because it’s more polite to speak of ‘temperament’ than about Trump being literally a predator like a shark or the Terminator killing machine, a bona fide psychotic narcissist and, of course, a compulsive liar.”

To spare viewers from “having their time wasted by these clueless or cowardly news folks” and to “hold the baby journalists’ hands and steer them to the truth about Trump,” the staffer began affixing a battery-powered sign to Trump’s lapel. The staffer would listen to Trump speak in an interview, speech, or press conference, and editorialize by remote control.

For example, when Trump told ABC news that he’ll launch an investigation into massive voter fraud in the U.S., the sign on Trump’s lapel lit up with a message that scrolled across the small screen even as Trump himself was speaking. The message read, “Mother of all whoppers! The psycho Trump fears that a woman, Hillary C., beat him by three million in the popular vote—coincidentally the same number he says are voting illegally.”

And in his speech at CIA headquarters, when Trump accused the media of lying about his inauguration crowd size, the lapel sign read in blaring red letters, “Yuge lie! Psycho Trump can’t lose in a dick-measuring contest with a black man like Obama.”

Asked why he or she prefers to be anonymous, when Trump surely knows who is putting the LED sign on his suit, the staffer said, “Of course Trump doesn’t know! If he did, I’d be dead. Trump carries a laser blaster at all times. And if Trump knew, do you really think he’d leave the sign on and continue to lie like a madman?”

The extent of Trump’s obliviousness has flabbergasted the rest of the world. “How can Trump still not know about the sign?” asked a Democratic Congresswoman. “How can no one on his team be telling him that he’s being clowned over and over again, that everyone on earth now has a running breakdown of his every boast, evasion, distortion, slander, and confabulation, of every act of vain posturing or brazen pandering he clumsily undertakes?”

Clarice Foggarty, fellow at the Brookings Institution, theorized that “No one dares tell Trump about the sign for the same reason no Iraqi told Saddam Hussein he had no weapons of mass destruction.” In an authoritarian regime, she said, “the emperor is always wearing clothes even when he’s stark naked and his genitals are visibly flapping in the breeze. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself headless.”

As to why President Trump evidently can’t himself see the infamous sign, one psychotherapist speculated that Trump “effectively lives in the fiction he constantly spins. Trump can’t see beyond the hyperbole, according to which he’s a billionaire because he’s the greatest businessman ever, and he’s president because he’s a Batman-like hero who can do no wrong. Anything that contradicts that preposterous self-image can’t register in Trump’s conscious mind. If Trump suddenly could see himself the way practically everyone else sees him, his head would melt from the epic cognitive dissonance.”

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Public Union Members Vote to Legalize Bribery

Public Union Members Vote to Legalize Bribery

The current political climate has been difficult for public unions.

And if the future can really be portended, then things do look a tad bleak.

The unreasonable expectation of being held responsible for doing your job has caused morale to plummet.

When you walk the halls of the EPA or the IRS or the BFD you can see grief counselors rubbing stooped shoulders and multi-denominational clergy offering spiritual solace to the fearful. Continue Reading

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Trump Orders Obama’s Presidency be stricken from the Historical Record

Trump Orders Obama’s Presidency be stricken from the Historical Record

Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C. (Crazy Town)–President Trump signed an executive order, commanding that every sign be erased, that Barack Obama had been president.

Trump ordered the military to destroy everything from stamps bearing Obama’s facial likeness, to news recordings of Obama’s speeches, to political cartoons about Obama.

The President added that anyone caught saying that an African-American was ever president of the United States would be sued personally by him.

“Repealing Obamacare is only a stepping stone,” said Trump’s spokesperson, Kellyanne Conway. “Talk about alternative facts! You liberals in the media actually think an African-American was president for eight years. But show me the evidence he was ever in office, once we’ve finished tossing that evidence into the memory hole.”

According to Democratic Senator Lillian Lillyliver, “You see, Republicans erred in attempting to tar Obama by informally naming the Affordable Care Act after him. Now they have to deal with the mess of trying to repeal and replace it, just because that healthcare bill is associated with Obama’s name, since Republicans evidently want no memory to survive that Obama had ever been president.”

Asked why she thinks Republicans are so opposed to that memory, Lillyliver said, “Methinks it’s because Obama’s as black as Trump’s heart.”

“President Trump seems to be taking a page from the pharaohs,” said Egyptologist Manuel Mysterioso. “If a pharaoh wanted to destroy his predecessor’s legacy, he obliterated every trace of it, by chiseling the former pharaoh’s face from relief sculptures, for example. And so future generations would forget that that detested pharaoh had ever lived. The belief was that our spirit resides in some physical form so that if you destroy the form, the spirit–and thus the intangible memory–dissipates.”

“It’s a case of ‘Hear no evil, see no evil,’” said one political analyst. “You know: out of sight, out of mind. If you don’t have to be reminded that something awful happened, you can pretend it never did. Why it matters whether a neoliberal president like Obama has light or dark skin is anyone’s guess. That’s a matter for a psychotherapist. I mean, Obama bent over backward a thousand times to accommodate the insanity from the far right. And the Republicans deliberately stonewalled him from the get-go to prevent the public from forming the conviction that a civil, democratic government can function as an alternative social arrangement to a capitalistic marketplace.”

“I’ve already forgotten who was president before me,” said Trump. “You say it was a ‘man of colour.’ Does that mean he was just someone other than an invisible man, someone who wasn’t colourless?” After the euphemism “person of colour” was explained to Trump, the president said, “Oh, so he was black, you say, an African American. I see no evidence there was any such person who used to sleep in my bed.

“In fact, the very notion that there are people with non-white skin seems farfetched to me. I’ve never seen these dark-skinned people you speak of. Is this like the myth that there are hordes of non-millionaires and non-billionaires polluting the earth? Where are all these losers supposed to be hiding? My Cabinet’s composed mostly of millionaires and billionaires, because there’s no one else in my world. And how can I step outside my world and still be me?”

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The Weather Moaning Tradition

The Weather Moaning Tradition

The new spate of chilly and foggy ongoing weather conditions has left the crossed-armed and annoyed Britons shaking their heads in disgust. No place has been spared, ranging from Cumbria through West Scotland, the South West, Wales, and even as far as other neighbouring locations. But at the same time, the prospect of getting the chance to moan once again about the dull weather that has been ongoing for a few weeks has equally filled all of them with a collective pleasure.

John Youknowho, an inhabitant of the rainy Peak District revealed to us: ‘Did you have the opportunity to look at the weather conditions where we are? We have never seen anything like this ever before. The authorities are not helping nor the council. It’s just great. I feel like a pig in a pigsty. The last few days, I really could not stop myself from complaining about the weather from the time that I stepped out of bed to find myself knee deep in water, not that you from the south actually care, to the time I ordered my last drink at the pub as we pumped the water out. I’ve spent my whole day in this dull and raining weather and I’m loving every bit of it.’

Mr John’s moaning was joined by another fellow moaner in Wales who revealed about their happiness of getting the opportunity to shout at the council officials who were in the incapacity of providing any help as it was the weekend. A group of pensioners were verbally wishing that one of their group would get lost in the fog and get hit by something. They could then freely blame someone and moan about not being able to attend the funeral.

Until you find another prospect of happily complaining about the weather or any other situation to keep the tradition going, you can try exciting weather themed online slots at Magical Vegas such as such as Cloud Quest, Natural Powers, Noah’s Ark, and Tornado Farm Escape. Here you won’t have the opportunity to complain with its large variety of games such as online slots, roulette, table and card games, and online casino games to keep you entertained through your mobile device in any weather conditions, anywhere and anytime.  What’s even better is that you get no deposit free spins!

Back in London, thousands of commuters got the opportunity to rejoice and moan about the derailment of a South-eastern freight train, even though it was not the fault of the weather. This led to the services being delayed and another ideal occasion for the Londoners to express their discontentment of commuting in such harsh weather conditions. They were getting squashed in the train stations and battling to get out of this chaos while hoping to get home safe, if ever they manage to go back home. While waiting to have some info about the next train that could get them to their destinations, many jumped on this situation to google how to claim their fares back or are happily taking a day off from work hoping that the weather gets worst.

 

 

 

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Making Law like Sausages

Making Law like Sausages

October 8th’s release of the “Billy Bush Tapes” couldn’t stop a Republican avalanche exactly one month later. The Republicans maintained their decided advantage in both the US House and Senate.

Donald Trump snuck out an electoral college win and put #Pussygate in his rear view mirror.

In January of 2009, Democrats had a similar configuration. They seized the opportunity to pass a 2,700 page healthcare bill that was on a website for viewing a scant 72 hours prior to the vote. Speaker Nancy Pelosi famously said “we have to pass (the bill)…(so we) can find out what’s in it.” Continue Reading

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How Bridges Are Really Made

How Bridges Are Really Made

Bridges

Bridges span everything from troubled waters to Terabithia, and are a major important, but how they really made?

WHERE DO BRIDGE?
First, political leaders identify a place where bridges done need to be made.
They do this by looking where folks go and how much water or revines there do is.
From there, they identify the shortest point from A to B where they should bridge. Continue Reading

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Warning: You may already be exposed to T.R.U.M.P. Disorder

Warning: You may already be exposed to T.R.U.M.P. Disorder

Over the past 18 months a previously unknown but highly dangerous psychiatric disorder has spread across the entire United States. It is now considered by medical experts to be our nation’s most nefarious mental health problem. This malady’s scientific name is Tolerance of Racist, Unbalanced, Misogynistic Predators Disorder. But it’s more commonly known by its acronym, T.R.U.M.P.

People exposed to T.R.U.M.P. lose the ability to maintain clear, rational thinking and are unable to tell fake news from real. Scientists have discovered that T.R.U.M.P. tends to target less educated and lower income individuals. Blue collar workers concentrated in white, rural communities seem to be particularly vulnerable to this disorder. Continue Reading

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Fifteen Signs Your Husband is Thinking of Voting Republican

Fifteen Signs Your Husband is Thinking of Voting Republican

l) “The Art of the Deal” is the first item on his Amazon wish list.

2) He’s changed his password to “BigHands.”

3) The bumper sticker on his car says WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR HONOR STUDENT? I LOVE THE UNEDUCATED. Continue Reading

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Exhausted SLAPP States beg Litigants: Stop Frivolous Anti-2016 Lawsuits Flood

Exhausted SLAPP States beg Litigants: Stop Frivolous Anti-2016 Lawsuits Flood

Yesterday, we found out the butthurt DNC wanted to sue 2016 (!)

As with other recent dodgy dealings with the Democratic and Republican establishments, this astonishing act of presumption has set an alarming precedent.

And now, it seems everyone else wants to get in on the game.

A whole TWENTY-EIGHT beleaguered State legislatures are PLEADING with disgruntled anti-2016 hatemongers and bigots to delay any lawsuits they are filing… Continue Reading

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Butthurt DNC Idiots Decide to Sue 2016

Butthurt DNC Idiots Decide to Sue 2016

After watching John Oliver’s ‘Fuck you 2016’ Skit, DNC ‘Ideas Man’ John Podesta decided it wasn’t good enough to just sit and unconstructively rant about 2016. Politics is not about mere sentiment, but about practical reality. Why don’t we sue 2016? Continue Reading

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Epic Album Dream Team: Charles Manson Joins Kanye Turbo Grafx 16 Family

Epic Album Dream Team: Charles Manson Joins Kanye Turbo Grafx 16 Family

Kanye West has once again surprised his fans and critics alike by announcing plans to collaborate with the infamous serial killer Charles Manson on an upcoming album.

Turbo Grafx 16 promises to be the most edgy and non-conformist albums yet from one of the most creative and innovative stars of rap.

Yet sadly, contrary to persistent rumours in recent times, Kanye West is not collaborating with fellow artistic geniuses Vanilla Ice and Justin Bieber.

So, it really is just Kanye ‘n’ Charles this time! Or as Kanye himself calls him: Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Music3 Comments

Hot Off the Press: Donald Trump Sex Scandal (& First Executive Order)

Hot Off the Press: Donald Trump Sex Scandal (& First Executive Order)

Immediately following his inauguration, President Donald J. Trump issued his first executive order; demanding records from AT&T, Comcast and other Internet Service Providers for anyone who has ever googled naked pictures of Melania Trump. Continue Reading

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