Archive | January, 2017

Edgy Memes! Peter Gabriel Goes Full Donald Trump!

Edgy Memes! Peter Gabriel Goes Full Donald Trump!

Mainstream hipster-baiting dad rock legend Peter Gabriel has recently let his resentment, bitterness, and sense of working class hero white disenfranchisement get the better of him. Continue Reading

Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Music0 Comments

The Machiavellian Guide To Becoming President

The Machiavellian Guide To Becoming President

The Machiavellian Guide To Becoming President
(as channeled from the nether worlds to his humble servants Donald Trump and rfreed)

Note to the historically impaired – Niccolò Machiavelli was a 15th century historian, writer and politician who emphasized using the Dark Side of the Force when ruling. Rumor has it that President Select Donald Trump keeps a copy of his book ‘The Prince’ at his beside to ponder over when he is finished with his Tweets for the night. Continue Reading

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How Mountain Dew is REALLY Made [VIDEO]

How Mountain Dew is REALLY Made [VIDEO]

Mountain Dew is the Appalachian vitamin drink, but how do they really make it? The answer may very well surprise you, but it’s not that bad. You’ll see, it’s pretty good and pretty much safe.

Playlist of How It’s REALLY Made Videos

Transcript

Mountain Dew beloved for its healing properties, is a popular beverage but how do they really make it? Continue Reading

Posted in Technology, Video News0 Comments

What’s Under a Pony’s Tail?

What’s Under a Pony’s Tail?

© 2017 Tom Skulldaney

I write regulations for the government’s Farm Improvement and Protection Bureau. I know nothing about farms. But I do know you can’t get ahead in a bureaucracy if you know too much about what you’re doing. It grates on your fellow bureaucrats and gets on the boss’s nerves. The rule I go by is: If your regulations do not create at least four more jobs in the department, stop and rewrite them.

On the wall of my office is an inspirational farm themed poster. Every office is required to have one. Mine is a man in a suit and sunglasses holding up a horse’s tail and pointing underneath it. The caption at the top asks, “What’s Under a Pony’s Tail?” The answer at the bottom is, “The Public”. That is so true.

As regulations proliferate, life gets better. How could it not? I never realized how little attention people paid to the things they do. Now as a regulation writer I notice these things and put them right. When asked how I come up with all my regulations, I tell them it’s because I care enough to keep my eyes open.

For instance, this past weekend I was watching an old black and white movie called Ma and Pa Kettle Back on the Farm. In one scene, Ma Kettle walks into the chicken pen and just starts tossing grain around willy nilly. It annoyed me how little thought she put into it. Very haphazard. Her indifference caused some of the grist to go completely through the wire mesh and drop useless on the ground outside. Some was ruined when it landed in the little water troughs ringing the coop. And not a small portion ended up on the backs of the chickens sending them running off in all directions pecking at each other. Her laughter at their antics grated on me. I felt this to be a carelessness that was begging to be addressed.

That led to me to create the regulations for Fowl Nourishment Distribution. I drew detailed illustrations of the correct right-handed and left-handed distribution methods. And explicitly outlawed the downward toss and the semi swirl method. The one Ma Kettle used. Equipment requirements included an irrometer for current soil conditions (both moisture and content), an anemometer for wind speed and direction, and a balloon borne Rawinsonde (to an altitude of not less than 1,500 feet). This was for monitoring real time meteorological data in case conditions changed during the feeding.

The final regulation required a Certificate of Competency along with a completed Current Feeding Conditions form. Both had to be in the feeder’s possession at all times. It also prohibited the feeding of fowl by anyone under the age of 18. Because of my boss’s belief in employee empowerment I was also able to assess the amount of the fine. I decided on $1,000 for the first infraction, $3,000 for the second and the third would mandate the confiscation of all farm animals including pets, livestock and minors under the age of 14.

I impressed my boss when I included details for property seizure and subsequent liquidations via public auctions. As my reward for such thoroughness I was sent to a rural area of the country to gain an expertise in regulation enforcement. I was accompanied by four armed agents and required to carry my “On the spot pad.”

When the public complains about government waste they should be shown this pad. It allows any properly deputized individual to write extemporaneous regulations. If you see something amiss when you are in the market or on a date you can take your pad out and instantly create a binding regulation. The perforated line ¾ the way down the form allows you to add your own fine amount, tear it off and hand it to the offender. Impressive efficiency.

It didn’t take long to spot an infraction. A woman, younger than Ma Kettle but just as reckless, was in the act of thoughtless grain distribution. The five of us approached and I explained to her how she had run afoul of government regulations regarding the feeding of chickens. She was both uncooperative and ungrateful. As I discussed the acceptable forms of payment, no personal checks but we were prepared to accept a credit card, a man hurried out of the farmhouse. When I informed him of our business here he angrily began explaining how a farm really works.

Frightened, one of the enforcement people put his hand on his sidearm and yelled, “Don’t listen!” But, it was too late. I had heard what he said and my job at the Farm Improvement and Protection Bureau was now ruined. Upon our return to the office I confessed to my boss what had happened. He put his arm around my shoulder and said, “Too much knowledge leads to a loss of objectivity. You should know that.” He asked me what I knew about medical procedures. When I told him nothing at all, he brightened and reassigned me to the department that oversees and regulates neurological surgery.

 

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Trump Comes Clean on Golden Showers

“Honest to Gtrumpgoofyod, I thought those bitches peed gold!”

Posted in The Rest0 Comments

Dynasty’s End? The ‘Annus Horribilis’ of Hill & Bill Clinton

Dynasty’s End? The ‘Annus Horribilis’ of Hill & Bill Clinton

One of  the many unfortunate outcomes of 2016 is the denial of influence rendered to one Bill Clinton.

Riding #IMWITHHER were many odd bedfellows.

The Clinton Foundation, and her sister Clinton Global Initiative, had raised untold millions, right up until Election Day, from the Gulf States and military contractors like Lockheed Martin Marrieta.

With the election upset, lawsuits are coming from some strange places. Continue Reading

Posted in Politics, Top Stories0 Comments

Hot Out of the Oven – New Donald Trump Memes!

Donald Trump Memes Continue Reading

Posted in Internets Tubes, World News0 Comments

Hillary Wears Pantsuit to Beaver Shot Showdown

Hillary Wears Pantsuit to Beaver Shot Showdown

Hillary was once again embarrassed by a Trump. But this time it was Melania. The gamey Mrs. Clinton accepted the challenge but was woefully unprepared to compete with the lovely Mrs. Trump who was dressed in a beautiful ensemble of a low cut, blue cashmere sweater over a knee length pleated white skirt.

Melania had been seated first in one of two metal folding chairs placed close to the edge of the stage with the jumbotron focused close up on her shapely legs. The crowd was clearly anticipating some warm up exercises but were quickly disappointed when Melania, keeping her knees tightly closed, affected a perfectly done look of feigned modesty by pressing her fingers against her lips and cooing. Continue Reading

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Glossy News Accused of Balanced, Factually Accurate Reporting

Glossy News Accused of Balanced, Factually Accurate Reporting

The government and media have angrily accused Glossy News of publishing well researched, balanced and factually accurate articles.

‘This is a total disgrace,’ passionately screamed a representative of the National Union of Journalists. ‘Glossy News is respected for its spoof news stories. We expect fake news from its writers. Some of what it’s publishing now is, well, just plain wrong.’ Continue Reading

Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Top Stories0 Comments

How Bologna is REALLY made (the truth!) [VIDEO]

How Bologna is REALLY made (the truth!) [VIDEO]

You love bologna, but you never really thought about what it’s made out of. The answers will surely surprise and shock you, and if they don’t, you may be the strongest person alive.

Playlist of How It’s REALLY Made Videos

Transcript

The Meat
Bologna is one of America’s favorite foods, but how they make it just might make your mouth get all damp and watery. Continue Reading

Posted in Health, Video News0 Comments

Introducing Brian’s ‘How It’s Made’ Funny Dub Series!

Introducing Brian’s ‘How It’s Made’ Funny Dub Series!

Tomorrow, we’re going to see TWO funny new ‘How It’s Made’ videos from Glossy News webmaster Brian K. White.

This is Brian’s Youtube channel:

https://www.youtube.com/user/10kzebra Continue Reading

Posted in Entertainment, Internets Tubes0 Comments

Donald Trump’s Latest Conspiratorial Rant: ‘The Jews Control Israel’ (2/2)

Donald Trump’s Latest Conspiratorial Rant: ‘The Jews Control Israel’ (2/2)

Last time:

TRUMP: The Jews! Incredible. The Jews control Israel. Unbelievable. Believe me, this is yuuuge.

JAKE TAPPER: OK, I’m buying it. But what about some of our more sceptical viewers out there? What’s your message for them?

The story continues:

TRUMP: The Jews control Israel! But you’re not allowed to talk about it! Donald…

Trump…

Is the only

President… Continue Reading

Posted in Politics, World News0 Comments

Donald Trump’s Latest Conspiratorial Rant: ‘The Jews Control Israel’ (1/2)

Donald Trump’s Latest Conspiratorial Rant: ‘The Jews Control Israel’ (1/2)

Rambunctious Orange Lives Matter Civil Activist and Pitiful Nazicon Stooge Donald Trump has recently delivered another hate-ridden tirade. After his edgy pre-election comments on ‘Latino rapists’ and ‘banning Muslims,’ Jake Tapper’s recent interview shows the Donald propagating a bizarre anti-Semitic conspiracy theory.

TAPPER: Mr Trump, do you actually believe the Jews control Israel? Continue Reading

Posted in Politics, World News0 Comments

More Contentious Donald Trump Policies

More Contentious Donald Trump Policies

Here are the latest harebrained policy suggestions from Donald Trump.

Make America Ridiculous Again!

***

1. Criminalize hate speech against corporations. Corporations are people too, and they have feelings!

2. Shut down X Factor. Don’t you think we’ve had enough of this crap by now?!

3. Women who have vaginas should be punished. Continue Reading

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There is Nothing More Natural than Appealing to What is Natural

There is Nothing More Natural than Appealing to What is Natural

Nothing morally consequential follows from ‘the natural.’

There is nothing ‘unnatural’ about mass atrocities, wifebeating, gay-bashing, anti-disabled sentiment, racism, or dying of a heroin overdose. Continue Reading

Posted in Human Interest0 Comments

Mysterious Trot Infestation in Yorkshire

Mysterious Trot Infestation in Yorkshire

Raping in the Name of: Mysterious Trot Infestation in Yorkshire Leaves Potential Sex Offenders Shaking Their Dicks!!!

Not so long ago, I spoke about my not so intimate encounter with the Hyde Park Trots in Leeds, Yorkshire. Continue Reading

Posted in Politics, World News0 Comments

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