How Bridges Are Really Made


Bridges span everything from troubled waters to Terabithia, and are a major important, but how they really made?

First, political leaders identify a place where bridges done need to be made.
They do this by looking where folks go and how much water or revines there do is.
From there, they identify the shortest point from A to B where they should bridge.
Sadly, due to environmental issues raised be the super rich donors living in this prime real estate, this path can’t be chosen.
Fortunately, wealthy titans of industry and campaign donors locate nearby locations where property values are blacker.
The poors protest this new location, as it will make them homeless, and several layers of government bureaucrats pretend to listen.
Meanwhile, the landed class buy up all this property at bargain basement rates, often through eminent domain,
so it can be sold back to the transit authority for ten times the price just a few years later.
Friends and family of those politicians are hired to review, consider and discuss route alternatives before dismissing them all out of hand.

The design phase begins with incompetition open to the public and all firms large and small.
They looks at various styles, types and possibilities, before selecting with the firm owned by the appropriation committee chairman’s son-in-law.
Enviornmental impact studies are conducted by a number of companies which have dirt on committee members, or employ their mistresses
With that hurdle passed, the project gets the club of baby seal approval

Since bridges ain’tn’t free, you have to find barrels of Johnny Cash, so it go to the voters.
Politicians start with an insanely high number, like $4 billion dollars.
Voters reject this, so they drop it to $2 billion with half of it going to buses, trains, parks and housing relocations programs
This just the grease in the voting cogs, as none of this will ever materialize.
By controlling the media, this is perceived as a good value, though it has no relation to reality.

The project is sent out for bidding, with all eligible companies able to participate.
It’s important to add peculiar requirements to exclue any company that isn’t owned by donors or close personal friends.
You might stipulate that the “builder must have experience with a project in the Savage County Valley” knowing full well that only one company does.
This is not just technically legal, but quite common, and even encouraged by the United States Chamber of Commerce.
Once all the bids are collected, the contract is assigned to the company originally intended to reap the benefits in the first place.

With rebar, concrete and reinforced steel, the bridge construction begins in vain,
all the while dedicating 20-30% of the budget to advertising how many jobs it creates and how good it is for the economy,
as well as lavish site visits for the legislators involved.
These include, but are not limited to; sold out show tickets, yacht vacations,
comfort women and trips hunting pheasant, elk, and man; the most dangerous game of all.
Union manipulation ensures votes keep coming in, despite near-constant use of non-Union labor.
Local law enforce ment are brought in to infiltrate the unions to quash any long-term trouble makers.
After 6-12 months the project reaches the Point of No Return,
so they go back and ask lawmakers to double the budget back to the original $4 billion.
Reluctantly, they agree, but we ain’t quite bridge yet.
Upon 90% completion, Native American burial grounds buried by contractors just a few years earlier are discovered,
allowing the budget to double one last time to $8 billion for the $1 billion bridge.

After just 15-20 years, the new bridge opens and all is right with the world.
The lawmakers have all long-since left office for greener pastures lobbying their colleagues for these same sorts of projects,
all scandals forgiven and forgotten,
and even though the contractor is found liable in court for the billions in cost overruns, they no longer exist,
leaving only private sector growth and profits and a new bridge for all the citizens to freely enjoy.
A temporary toll is added the month before opening to pay for the bridge, though it will remain for all eternity

And that is how a bridge do come to be.


Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.