Archive | October, 2016

Glossy News Classics (I): Benjamin Cain’s ‘Hardline Atheists Condemn Sleep and Sex as Irrational’

Glossy News Classics (I): Benjamin Cain’s ‘Hardline Atheists Condemn Sleep and Sex as Irrational’

NOTE FROM WALLACE: As one of the very longest running fake news satire outlets of all time, Glossy News has had a lot of classics over the years. Here’s one of the pieces that really stood out.

In my opinion: you’re already doing well if you can put good content in the mouths of your satire personas. But to mimic their style is really quite an advanced skill. Well done Benjamin!

***

Dateline: SPRINGFIELD, MI—Speaking jointly at a press conference after coming to a unanimous decision at this year’s Skepticon, held at Missouri State University, representatives of the New Atheist movement condemned sleep and sex for being irrational.

“Religious faith is clearly unreasonable,” said author Sam Harris, “but so are your unconscious dreams and so is your sex life. If we’re going to survive the coming technological advances, we’ve got to smarten up and cut all ties to our primitive ancestry. We’ve got to become posthuman.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Science & Technologizzy0 Comments

New Occasional Series: Glossy News Classics

New Occasional Series: Glossy News Classics

As one of the very longest running fake news satire outlets of all time, Glossy News has had a lot of classics over the years. From time to time, we will be republishing stories that really stood out.

Clever? Ingenious? Edgy? Buffoonish? Anarchic? Slick, sophisticated, cool? Just good-old-fashioned hilariously convincing?

Or even unconvincing?

By whatever criteria, these are stories that stood out for us, and really shone.

Keep a close eye out for each instalment!

Wallace

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Posted in Entertainment, Internets Tubes0 Comments

Can One Expect NFL Game in the China

Can One Expect NFL Game in the China

It is hard to believe that NFL game will be performed in China. But this is going to happen. It will be for the first time when the U. S. sports league will be played in the China. The game might not get much attention from the people. More importantly, the players will not be that comfortable to play a regular season in the China. As the result, you might not expect much from the NFL betting lines.

Now the teams are preparing for the game. They are focusing more on the work instead of discussing the playing environment. They are planning how they will come back from the China after the game and will prepare themselves for the next trip that might be more challenging. It will be difficult to play a more competitive game after coming back from China. Mark Waller, the vice president of the NFL, told in an interview, their focus is not more on the game in China. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports, Sports Events0 Comments

4K Glossy News Podcast 066 (10-24-16)

4K Glossy News Podcast 066 (10-24-16)

The 4K/UHD podcast is back again with a whole new slew of stuff.

Here are just some of the topics covered in the the October 24th, 2016 edition.

* NO MORE election updates. I wanted to do more, but it’s so painfully obvious trump will lose, what’s the point?

* Video/Movie review… NOTHING because YouTube lets everyone steal my income from my React and Review videos. To hell with them… though Black Mirror season three is pretty awesome. Continue Reading

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Posted in Podcasts, Video News0 Comments

Dan Geddes Video Selection (2/2)

Dan Geddes Video Selection (2/2)

Here’s part two!

American Sniper

American Sniper, Bush vs. Clinton, Scooters in Amsterdam.

Standup – The Five Stages of NSA Surveillance Grief

Facebook, NSA.

Facebook Funeral

American accents, Facebook funerals, and how no one thinks they are going to die.

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Posted in Entertainment, Internets Tubes0 Comments

Dan Geddes Video Selection (1/2)

Dan Geddes Video Selection (1/2)

Dan Geddes is a true stalwart not only of Glossy News, but of humor and satire in general. He has done a lot of stand-up comedy, which you can find on his Youtube channel. I’m sure you’re not gonna die of surprise when I tell you that like every single other humorist in the history of satire, without exception, Dan is rather shy and reserved, and never likes to be the first person in the room to break an uncomfortable silence. Even so, I hope he’ll forgive me for introducing these videos to you!

Taxes and Death (And Taxes)

Taxes and death, and the taxation of the cryogenically preserved, as well as robots.

Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Internets Tubes0 Comments

Dan Geddes Interviews

Dan Geddes Interviews

Tomorrow and the day after, I will present two articles on the stand-up videos of one our resident satire legends, Dan Geddes! But he is also a public joke-a-lectual too, it seems! Here’s Dan speaking humorously, albeit with all due ethical seriousness, on some big topics in the world today!…

Interview (Brian K. White, Glossy News 4k Podcast)

“One of the funniest guys I know sat down for an interview for the Glossy News 4K podcast.” (Brian)

UN Country Club Show 1

Dan Geddes of http://www.thesatirist.com and Dan Purcell discuss Satire in the Global Village, the NSA, Drones, Artificial Intelligence, Robot Burger Flippers, a Princeton Club dinner, and more.

Greg Shapiro’s The United States of Europe – 23 September 2014

Greg Shapiro and Dan Geddes discuss all things European, and how hard is it to be funny in The Netherlands.

Satire in the Global Village

Part of the “Satire in the Global Village panel” at the Institute of General Semantics: October 3, 2015.
Later this year, Dan will be returning to the Institute of General Semantics in New York to speak once more. Aside from the videos, here is a recent interview with a German media outlet.

***

Attribution: photo of Dan Geddes by Andrew Balcombe.

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Entertainment0 Comments

Trump is Right – Proof that the Election is Rigged

Trump is Right – Proof that the Election is Rigged

Donald Trump has alleged the 2016 presidential election has been rigged against him and that the only possible way he can lose will be because of fraud and collusion. As a noted investigative reporter, I felt it was my journalistic duty to check into these shocking allegations and uncover whether his claims could be substantiated. It turns out Donald Trump is correct. The election IS rigged against him. The proof is extensive and conclusive. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Top Stories0 Comments

Theresa May to Rename Conservative Party ‘National-Socialist Party’

Theresa May to Rename Conservative Party ‘National-Socialist Party’

After her recent ‘success’ with the notorious Snooper’s Charter, Theresa ‘Jihadi Tess’ May is now planning to conduct yet another Cameroneque image change for her right-wing party, the Conservatives.

One anonymous source close to the eagle’s mouth tells me: Continue Reading

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Muslims Report Stuff

Muslims Report Stuff

At the second presidential debate, a Muslim member of the Town Hall audience asked Donald Trump what could be done to reduce the intense level of Islamophobia. Trump replied with what many Americans think is an outstanding solution to address these concerns and help Make America Safe Again: “We have to be sure that Muslims come in and report when they see something going on.”

What a brilliant idea. It appears Muslims by the thousands are embracing his advice – by taking to Twitter to report anything they witness in their Muslim community that seems suspicious. There’s even a Twitter hashtag they’ve created: #MuslimsReportStuff (honest!). Below are some tweets typical of what you’ll find there. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Top Stories0 Comments

4K Glossy News Podcast 065 (10-17-16)

4K Glossy News Podcast 065 (10-17-16)

The 4K/UHD podcast is back again with a whole podcast dedicated just to Remlinger Farms. They’re not our sponsors, much as that would be awesome, but we just really like what they do.

Here are just some of the topics covered in the the October 17th, 2016 edition.

* New features around the park. Continue Reading

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Posted in Podcasts, Video News0 Comments

One Act Tumblr Play: Obama Gets Friendzoned

One Act Tumblr Play: Obama Gets Friendzoned

It’s always fun to write a One Act Tumblr Play; that particular social media site is perfect for this kind of writing! Here’s one of mine:

Obama: Hey, I really like that country, but I’m not gonna do the running. Let her come to me first.

Heh heh… I’m just such a smart guy! I am just one DAMN SMART COOKIE! Well, it’s not up to me to chase her. I’m gonna let her see how much she needs me first.

WAITS

WAITS

WAITS

WAITS

[Tittering and snickering in the background]

Obama: … Oh. Shit. Well. What a prissy, stuck-up bitch! Guess she just doesn’t know what she’s missing.

Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, World News0 Comments

Hillary Clinton To Make Direct Appeal To Less-Educated, White, Male Voters

Hillary Clinton To Make Direct Appeal To Less-Educated, White, Male Voters

In the final run-up to the US presidential elections, Hillary Clinton is hoping to ensure victory by winning-over the one demographic group that Donald Trump has yet failed to insult or alienate.

That group consists of white American men without a college degree. Much of the threat posed by Donald Trump comes from this group who represented nearly half of all voters in 2012.

A draft transcript of Clinton’s forthcoming speech has been obtained by this site and is reproduced below:

Today, I want to speak to a very important section of our society. I want to address those whose hard work and self-sacrifice made America the great country it is today.

I’m referring, of course, to you uneducated, white guys.

I want you all to put down those cans of beer, burgers and bottles of mayonnaise and listen to me for five minutes before you next go out to buy meth or shoot someone.

The future of America is in your hands, and I believe that you all need to take that responsibility very seriously.

I want you to think for a minute about the demographic – that’s a big word that means the group in society – to which you belong. You are uneducated white males. The clue’s in the name.

It might not be your fault that you’re not so smart. Maybe inbreeding or other factors mean you didn’t start out very bright. It’s the way things have turned out, however, and it would be as crazy to deny that as it would be to deny you are fellow Americans.

I’m not saying you’re not wonderful, hardworking guys. Our great country would collapse tomorrow if it wasn’t for all the unskilled, menial jobs you do. I want you to imagine, however, that you needed brain surgery. Would you ask a buddy to do it or would you try to find an educated doctor? If you were taking a plane, would you want an educated pilot to fly it or would you be happy for Homer Simpson to give it a go?

I’m willing to bet that, after you’d thought as hard as you could about it, at least half of you would want your brain surgeon or pilot to be educated, even if your buddy would do the job for a pack of beers.

I want those of you who would choose an educated brain surgeon or pilot to now ask yourselves why you would make that choice.

Would it be because an educated brain surgeon or pilot would know what they were doing? Maybe you think you’d have a better chance of surviving the operation or the flight.

Voting for a president is like doing brain surgery or flying that plane. There are a lot of complicated things to think about when you’re a president, and working out who could do the job best is really hard.

I’m appealing to all you uneducated white guys not to vote on November 8.

If a loved one needed that brain surgery, you’d owe it to them to get the very best surgeon. Each of you really know, deep in your hearts, that you wouldn’t be clever enough to be certain of picking the right person.

It’s just the same with this great land we all love. You owe it to your kids, your family, this wonderful country and the world, to not even try thinking about picking a president.

I say again to you all: “don’t vote”. Leave big choices to those with better brains.

America needs you to just stay in bed, watch TV and have another beer on November 8.

You know it’s the right thing to do.

You know, deep down, that it’s what God wants you to do.

Thank you.

God bless America.

God bless America.

Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Top Stories0 Comments

The Pre-Christmas Online Promotion Season is Coming: 5 Things Good to Know

The Pre-Christmas Online Promotion Season is Coming: 5 Things Good to Know

As we all know too well, each year has four seasons: the “Post-Christmas Fasting” season, the “Pre-Vacation Saving Season”, the “Vacation-Spending” season, and the “Pre-Christmas Online Promotion” season – which is on our doorstep. Although we still have an incredible number of days left until Christmas, we can already feel it coming. The nights are getting longer (except Down Under, where they are getting shorter), and the nights are becoming colder (except Down Under, where… all of it is the exact opposite). It’s time to prepare for the fourth season of the year, to board up the windows, reinforce the grates on the chimney, everything in the attempt to prevent the cat burglar in a red suit commonly known as Santa Claus to empty your bank accounts before the end of the year. Continue Reading

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Posted in Society0 Comments

Breaking News: Woman Claims Trump Didn’t Grope Her

Breaking News: Woman Claims Trump Didn’t Grope Her

A woman from Broken Springs, Michigan has come forward to insist that Donald Trump has not groped her, despite many opportunities to do so. Allison McGregor, a 47-year-old housekeeper who used to work at Trump’s Mar-o Lago hotel/resort in Florida, told Fox News today that the real estate broker used to visit the hotel at least once a week and on exactly zero occasions did he sexually assault her. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Politics, Strange People, Top Stories0 Comments

Conspiracy Theorists are Foolish: the ‘Hume’s Leap’ Fallacy

Conspiracy Theorists are Foolish: the ‘Hume’s Leap’ Fallacy

 

Some years ago, someone spoke with me about 9/11 conspiracy theories, and said that he ‘wouldn’t put it past them,’ or words to that effect.

This sentence from the person who spoke with me years ago, arguably shines a light on the problem with conspiracy theory nonsense, e.g. the myths of 9/11 Truthers, or of Holocaust denialists, or of those who fantasise about so-called ‘Cultural Marxism,’ ‘New World Order,’ ‘Neoliberalism,’ ‘Shapeshifting Lizards,’ ‘the Rockefellers,’ ‘the Zionist Lobby,’ ‘Eurabia,’ and so on. Continue Reading

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