Theresa May to Rename Conservative Party ‘National-Socialist Party’

After her recent ‘success’ with the notorious Snooper’s Charter, Theresa ‘Jihadi Tess’ May is now planning to conduct yet another Cameroneque image change for her right-wing party, the Conservatives.

One anonymous source close to the eagle’s mouth tells me: Read more Theresa May to Rename Conservative Party ‘National-Socialist Party’

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Muslims Report Stuff

At the second presidential debate, a Muslim member of the Town Hall audience asked Donald Trump what could be done to reduce the intense level of Islamophobia. Trump replied with what many Americans think is an outstanding solution to address these concerns and help Make America Safe Again: “We have to be sure that Muslims come in and report when they see something going on.”

What a brilliant idea. It appears Muslims by the thousands are embracing his advice – by taking to Twitter to report anything they witness in their Muslim community that seems suspicious. There’s even a Twitter hashtag they’ve created: #MuslimsReportStuff (honest!). Below are some tweets typical of what you’ll find there. Read more Muslims Report Stuff

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One Act Tumblr Play: Obama Gets Friendzoned

It’s always fun to write a One Act Tumblr Play; that particular social media site is perfect for this kind of writing! Here’s one of mine:

Obama: Hey, I really like that country, but I’m not gonna do the running. Let her come to me first.

Heh heh… I’m just such a smart guy! I am just one DAMN SMART COOKIE! Well, it’s not up to me to chase her. I’m gonna let her see how much she needs me first.

WAITS

WAITS

WAITS

WAITS

[Tittering and snickering in the background]

Obama: … Oh. Shit. Well. What a prissy, stuck-up bitch! Guess she just doesn’t know what she’s missing.

Read more One Act Tumblr Play: Obama Gets Friendzoned

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Hillary Clinton To Make Direct Appeal To Less-Educated, White, Male Voters

In the final run-up to the US presidential elections, Hillary Clinton is hoping to ensure victory by winning-over the one demographic group that Donald Trump has yet failed to insult or alienate.

That group consists of white American men without a college degree. Much of the threat posed by Donald Trump comes from this group who represented nearly half of all voters in 2012.

A draft transcript of Clinton’s forthcoming speech has been obtained by this site and is reproduced below:

Today, I want to speak to a very important section of our society. I want to address those whose hard work and self-sacrifice made America the great country it is today.

I’m referring, of course, to you uneducated, white guys.

I want you all to put down those cans of beer, burgers and bottles of mayonnaise and listen to me for five minutes before you next go out to buy meth or shoot someone.

The future of America is in your hands, and I believe that you all need to take that responsibility very seriously.

I want you to think for a minute about the demographic – that’s a big word that means the group in society – to which you belong. You are uneducated white males. The clue’s in the name.

It might not be your fault that you’re not so smart. Maybe inbreeding or other factors mean you didn’t start out very bright. It’s the way things have turned out, however, and it would be as crazy to deny that as it would be to deny you are fellow Americans.

I’m not saying you’re not wonderful, hardworking guys. Our great country would collapse tomorrow if it wasn’t for all the unskilled, menial jobs you do. I want you to imagine, however, that you needed brain surgery. Would you ask a buddy to do it or would you try to find an educated doctor? If you were taking a plane, would you want an educated pilot to fly it or would you be happy for Homer Simpson to give it a go?

I’m willing to bet that, after you’d thought as hard as you could about it, at least half of you would want your brain surgeon or pilot to be educated, even if your buddy would do the job for a pack of beers.

I want those of you who would choose an educated brain surgeon or pilot to now ask yourselves why you would make that choice.

Would it be because an educated brain surgeon or pilot would know what they were doing? Maybe you think you’d have a better chance of surviving the operation or the flight.

Voting for a president is like doing brain surgery or flying that plane. There are a lot of complicated things to think about when you’re a president, and working out who could do the job best is really hard.

I’m appealing to all you uneducated white guys not to vote on November 8.

If a loved one needed that brain surgery, you’d owe it to them to get the very best surgeon. Each of you really know, deep in your hearts, that you wouldn’t be clever enough to be certain of picking the right person.

It’s just the same with this great land we all love. You owe it to your kids, your family, this wonderful country and the world, to not even try thinking about picking a president.

I say again to you all: “don’t vote”. Leave big choices to those with better brains.

America needs you to just stay in bed, watch TV and have another beer on November 8.

You know it’s the right thing to do.

You know, deep down, that it’s what God wants you to do.

Thank you.

God bless America.

God bless America.

Read more Hillary Clinton To Make Direct Appeal To Less-Educated, White, Male Voters

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Breaking News: Woman Claims Trump Didn’t Grope Her

A woman from Broken Springs, Michigan has come forward to insist that Donald Trump has not groped her, despite many opportunities to do so. Allison McGregor, a 47-year-old housekeeper who used to work at Trump’s Mar-o Lago hotel/resort in Florida, told Fox News today that the real estate broker used to visit the hotel at least once a week and on exactly zero occasions did he sexually assault her. Read more Breaking News: Woman Claims Trump Didn’t Grope Her

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